Screaming Secrets

Done...

2010-07-19T16:59:00.002-04:00

So... its been years. If you wanted to follow me down another rabbit hole... I'm digging again. Find me at Training The Bitch. See ya there... or not.

Moving...

2007-05-27T20:26:00.000-04:00

This blog has been flagged. i'm moving before these twats delete me. Catch me over here on my own domain, where i WILL NOT have to move again. Screaming Secrets.

Little Girl Part Two

2007-04-30T18:37:00.000-04:00

Downstairs i related the results of the inspection to Benny. He sighed and stood up, taking his belt off. We were trudging across the room to the back basement room when the screaming started down the basement steps. i wondered at both her lung capacity and her ability to keep at what was so obviously a hopeless cause.
Benny paused. He asked me how old the kid was. i said i guessed about ten. He shook his head, hunched his shoulders and drug me a few steps towards the back basement room before i could catch up and start walking at his faster pace.
Usually Benny was fairly gentle with me. Not that day. That day he left criss crossing bruises and welts and drew cries of genuine pain from me. i think he was trying to drown out the sounds of the little girl in the next room. He failed though. Her noises dwarfed mine and made them the pitiful mewlings of a kitten.

Little Girl Part One

2007-04-27T18:27:00.000-04:00

i was in Edward's office being inspected when we heard the commotion. A little girl was screaming for her Mama. John stepped back with his measuring tape and cocked his head at Edward. Edward took his feet off his desk and nodded to John.
"Well, Raven, it looks like we are going to be interrupted. We both know what the result of this evaluation is going to be anyway. You've still got those monstrous tits and that ass! I know you are trying. You are loosing weight. So I won't be too harsh with you. I'll let Benny deal with your failure. As for your skills," he paused and shut his eyes as the screaming reached an ear splitting pitch. Then he gave his head a small shake as though shaking off a fly and continued. "you always test well. I'd be willing to just pass you except that I enjoy using you much too much for that. Tell Benny I said fifty strokes and then to come up here. When I'm ready for you he'll come and get you."
i thanked him both for his time and his leniency and opened his heavy office door. The noise was much louder on this side of the door. i walked down the hall towards the basement stairs and in the kitchen i saw the little girl being held by a short man in a stained and dirty clothes. His hair was greasy and he looked like he hadn't bathed in a long time.
The little girl was small and blonde. Her hair was matted on one side. That side of her face was dirty. Her clothes were disheveled and looked to be put on wrong. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she called for her mother over and over again.
John saw me staring and snapped, "Get your fat ass down those stairs before I double whatever Edward gave you."
i went.

Willfully Disobedient

2007-04-25T14:33:00.000-04:00

i knew i'd be in terrible trouble but the need was too great. i listened to Kayla's screams and hid behind the rec room sofa and lacerated my legs. Every scream was another jagged cut. my hands shook with fear. John said the next time he'd take all my skin off. That was okay though. That would just be more cuts in a way.
i curled up in a ball and awaited discovery. i knew the rage would be awful to behold. The cutting was the one thing i was willfully disobedient about. i had been for as long as i could remember. Maybe they would just kill me this time.

Out with New, In with the Old

2007-04-23T13:07:00.000-04:00

So i never post here anymore. Why? Because i hate the new format. i hate trying to tell a single story. i can't do it. So i'm going back to what's more comfortable to me. Telling what's on my mind. This is what's on my mind today:

i could barely breathe the pain in my back was so bad. A punch to the kidneys was debilitating. i hated this client. He never would get around to fucking until he had beaten me to a pulp. Edward's rules on beating his girls were simple: don't damage the merchandise. That left a lot of room for a lot of pain.
i lay flat on my stomach trying to breathe through the agony when the kicks started. i could only whimper and hang on. He'd get tired soon doing something so strenuous. i held on. i endured. And, finally he was ready to fuck. And, for once that pain was minor compared to my other hurts. No matter how brutal he tried to be (he was worn out from his assault) it was all i could do to react.

There were clients who made sex seem easy.

John's Grin

2007-03-29T14:28:00.000-04:00

John howled with laughter. "You fucked up now, kid. You're in trouble. You didn't come home with the money. Should I string you up like Kayla?"
i stared at Benny with distrustful eyes. i didn't understand. i had asked the same way the other girls had. Why was he doing this to me? Would John really hit me with that car antenna now?
Benny turned to Kayla and said, "Kayla, what did Raven do wrong?"
Kayla sighed and gave me an apology with her eyes. "Everything."
i winced. Tears were stinging my eyes and i had to blink to keep them from falling.
"Why?"
"Because you don't really ask for the money like that."
"Show her the right way."
But, John stopped her. "Oh, no, pretty boy. This may be your little pet. You may have gotten that. But, she still failed. I think she's got something coming to her."
"Oh she does. But, who knows how many times she'll fuck up before she gets it right. I'll just save it all up do her one good turn in the back room. You can watch."
John grinned.
It was a grin i would come to know only too well. Every time i saw it, it would make me sick.

He told me no

2007-03-12T14:40:00.000-04:00

It was Sunday afternoon. i had lost many hours. i didn't care, it meant i was closer to Monday and the promise of being picked up for school... what i was hanging on to.
i passed the next hour or so being coached on getting the money without being offensive. Since i would be going to negotiated clients this would mostly be a non issue since they would have paid in advance. But some clients insisted on getting their product first and so i had to be able to get Edward's money.
i watched Candy do it, then Kayla, Pearl, and finally April. Benny had easily given each of them ten bucks when they asked for it. When i asked he told me no.

Interesting Little Girl

2007-02-21T14:01:00.000-05:00

When i came back to myself i was sitting by the pool table holding a beer. A miller pony. The kind i had drunk as a child with my grandfather. i felt the bile rise in my throat and choked it down. This would be a bad time to puke.
i sit the beer carefully on the table behind me and asked in a shakey voice if i could use the ladies room.
Jack eyed me strangely but nodded and indicated the one in the back basement room, through the heavy metal door that had concealed Kayla being beaten the day before. i entered cautiously but it was okay, the room was unoccupied today. Still modest i felt uncomfortable peeing so exposed in the corner of the room but i did. Then i washed my hands and for good measure splashed cold water on my face.
i returned to the main rec room and settled back into my chair at the pool table. John approached me from behind. He rubbed my shoulders and i felt like screaming.
"You are a very interesting little girl, you know that? Can you pull that trick anytime?"
"What trick?"
"Changing."
"Changing?"
"Never you mind, darlin'. Old John will learn how to work it. Old John will learn just how to take care of you. And, you will make us lots of money."
i wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but i was scared. Scared of him... and scared of the answer.

Enough

2007-02-09T14:22:00.000-05:00

By now i was just done. i had been sold, used, beaten, humiliated, terrified and threatened more than i could stand. i was just done. i clung to Benny and looked for reassurance. i think he tried to provide it, but it was not a situation that could be reassured much.
When Benny carried me down the basement steps and handed me to John it was more than i could bear. i found the hole in the wall and escaped. Enough was enough.

Train

2007-02-02T17:34:00.000-05:00

After that i performed my very first train. Five runners lined up in the hall to take their turns after Edward. The first was Ricky. He was easy with me. Next came Jimmy and he gave me my first ever hit of acid. i thought it was a dud and spent the whole time he rode me waiting for something exciting to happen. It didn't. Then came Bob, he was rough. i ripped and bled and cried. Around the time Randy flipped me onto my knees the acid kicked in. i watched in fascination as the stitching ran in circles on my bedspread and barely noticed him even though my nose almost touched the bed several times. i don't remember who came last.
i would learn to handle drugs, but in the early days they knocked me on my ass. i don't know how much time passed before Benny came and found me. He lead me down the hall to the bathroom and bathed me like a child. He even washed my long hair and conditioned it, combing it out for me. Finally i was dressed in a nightie and led from the bathroom.

Good Girl

2007-01-26T22:43:00.000-05:00

Once i had lost all control of myself and was sobbing with abandon, he seemed satisfied. He jerked me off the little bench in front of my vanity by the hair and drug me to my sweet pink little bed. He used me brutally, punching and slapping me as he did so. His only instruction was, "Please me, bitch, please me," repeated over and over.
When he was finished i lay panting, bleeding and aching on the bed. When he reached for me at first i cringed and he made shushing noises. "You're mine little girl. Mine to pet, mine to kick, mine to love, mine to do anything with I please. Come here like a good little girl. Come on. Come to Edward, come on and tell me that you love me."
i slid across the bed to him and he enfolded me in his arms, stroking my hair with one hand. "Tell me," he whispered.
"I love you," i whispered back.
He squeezed me tight and and said i was a good girl, and though some part of me hated myself for it, i swelled with pride at his words.

My Breath

2007-01-09T17:27:00.000-05:00

I saw him in the mirror first. He stood across the room looking at the back of my head and my long hair. I worried for a moment that he might make me cut it. My father would flip out, he loved my long hair. But, then Edward stepped forward and stroked my locks.
"You have lovely hair, its your best feature."
Suddenly his hand was on my throat cutting off all my air.
"Don't struggle, you're mine."
I fought the urge to fight for air, trying so desperately to be still as my lungs screamed for air. Darkness closed in on me. My hands clenched to fists and he slapped me. I forced my hands to relax and sat limp as the blackness washed over me. Just before I lost consciousness he let my neck go and I choked and sputtered. Again and again he drove me to the edge of nothing. Forcing me to be passive and accepting of his torture.
My life was his to do with as he pleased.

Makeover

2006-12-14T11:57:00.000-05:00

i calmed down and Kayla left me in the room alone. She had places to go and people to see. She was always busy. i wondered over to the vanity i had been assigned and sat down. i stared at the girl in the mirror.
It wasn't pretty. my face was red and puffy from crying. i had bruises and marks that were clearly visible in the skimpy nightie. But, the most drastic change was in my eyes. They were glassy with tears and seemed hooded with exhaustion and fear.
i was still studying my eyes in the mirror when Edward himself walked into the room.

i'm okay

2006-12-07T22:43:00.000-05:00

i'm alive and well, i'm just swamped with work. i'll pick back up asap. Writing for this blog takes a lot out of me and when i'm really busy, i just can't handle it. i'll try to post something early next week.

A Working Girl's Friends

2006-11-21T14:26:00.000-05:00

As soon as the door closed she hurried across the room and took me with her, dragging me by the hand.
“Never cry here. Never. Bite your lip and be still. You’ll get used to things, you really will. Shshsh, be quiet.”
I got another tenuous hold on myself and sat on the foot of my bed picking at the tassels on the bedspread.
“I’m sorry. I just… can’t seem to keep myself in check.”
“The first few days are the hardest. It gets easier (in this Kayla proved to be wrong) if you just learn the rules and follow them as close as you can. And, for god’s sake stay on John’s good side. Its painful when you’re not.”
She turned and pulled up her nightie. Marring the creamy flesh were angry red welts, a few crusted black with blood. I had to look away.
She turned back to me and whispered, “Don’t let him hate you too. Be quiet, be good.”
I nodded. And, from that time started learning to choke back my own sobs and swallow my pain and fear. Silence and masks were the only friends a working girl had.

New Room

2006-11-12T12:19:00.000-05:00

The girl told me again that her name was Kayla. She asked me not to believe the nasty things John might tell me about her.
“He hates me. I don’t know why he hates me, but he does. Ask anyone.”
I assured her that I didn’t think anything bad of her. It seemed important to her. I couldn’t imagine what the slight girl with the pretty sunbeam hair could have done to make the towering giant hate her, but it actually put her in my good books. I was fearful of crossing John but Kayla had such a way about her that I felt rebellious. Maybe that’s part of why he hated her.
We got to the room I would share with her, and she opened the door. The room had two twin beds with sweet pink canopies on them. It looked like something out of a teen magazine. There were vanities on either side of beds. Kayla’s was decorated and looked sweet. Cutouts of movie stars, scraps of paper with doodles on them, and pictures of her with other girls were tucked into the sides of the mirror.
There was a small chest of drawers, one that come up to about my waist, between the beds and on that sat an enormous bowl of Andes Mints. At that sight, my stomach gave a lurch and reminded just how long it had been since I had eaten.
Once again, I started to cry.
“Shhh!” Kayla whispered and hurried to shut the door.

Learning The Ropes

2006-11-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

The tears had indeed made John worse. The second time, was, unbelievably, even worse than the first. Afterwards I lay in a tear stained heap on the cold cement floor of the back basement room. Benny stuck his head in the door and exclaimed at the dime sized drops of blood on the floor. He came across the room at a trot, his eyes big with concern. After a quick scan of my face, he scanned my body.
“Where?”
I moaned with humiliation but didn’t answer him. I was too embarrassed. He checked for himself and stood up with a grim face. His voice was clipped when he told me to go across to the back of the room and take a shower.
I eyed him fearfully and hurried to obey. The back shower was kind of scary. It wobbled and had no support. The floor was stained . But, the water was hot and there was good shampoo and conditioner in there. I was more or less happily scrubbing away when the door across the room opened. The girl Benny had been beating the night before walked across the room towards me.
I felt shy being naked in front of her, but I made no ridiculous movements to cover up. Instead I asked if she needed me. She said that she was there to show me my room. Since I figured that beat the hell out of staying in the basement, I hurried up and rinsed my hair. She handed me a couple of towels and I wrapped up my hair and dried off as quickly as I could, finally wiggling back into the nightie half wet.
When I followed her out of the back basement room, only Ricky and a couple of girls were in the main rec room.

Botched Introduction

2006-11-04T19:12:00.000-05:00

I went down the steps in the nightie Edward had given me the night before. It felt strange to walk around a house full of men in such a state of undress. I had done what I could with hairbrush and plain water to remedy my appearance, but I still looked well bedded. I was ashamed, already.
Benny smiled at my reluctance to leave the safety of his room after I returned from the bathroom. He asked if I was afraid or shy. I whispered that I was both.
“Just pretend that you are fully dressed. In your mind envision yourself in whatever makes you feel most confident. Don’t think about it. You’ll get used to it. I promise.”
So I found myself at the foot of the stairs in the basement of the night before. There was no one in the first room. Benny strode across the floor wearing only tattered jeans and drug me behind him, pulling me with no effort whatsoever.
John was shooting pool with a man I hadn’t yet been introduced to. That’s when I really began to accept my fate. It was a new day. This wasn’t a nightmare. And, I knew damn well, that I’d do anything these three men wanted. I didn’t want to see that sickening smile on John’s face. I didn’t want to be taught a lesson. I was simply fucked.
In more ways than one. The newcomer turned immediately and handed the poolstick to Benny. He wiped nervously at his mouth. “How much?” was all he croaked. It hit me like a sledgehammer and the tears welled in my eyes. I bit down hard on my lip though and held them back. I was not supposed to cry in front of John. I ran through my mental list of rules. Keep your mouth shut, obey, loose weight, don’t fail. I added don’t cry in front of John.
Benny was shaking his head. I didn’t understand what it meant but I took it as a plea to be good. So I’d be good. I leaned over the card table for the man and although it was extremely painful as dry and unprepared as I was, I got through it. I did cry though, I couldn’t help it. I found being a whore most disagreeable. The very idea of it made me hot with shame.
Afterwards, they introduced me to Ricky. One of the runners, and not really a client. I felt foolish and regretted my tears even more.

Rise and Shine

2006-11-03T22:48:00.000-05:00

The next morning brought a knock at the door and John’s head popped in the door.
“Bring the kid downstairs, Benny. Let’s name her and fuck her some more. She cries pretty.”
I felt the man next to me stiffen and the intimacy we had found the night before was shattered. I didn’t really know him, and I had come upon him beating a girl in the same position as myself. I thought I’d do well to remember that.
He tucked my hair behind my ear and sighed. “You really shouldn’t let John see you cry if you can help it. It only makes him worse. Do you want something to take the edge off? I have valium or xanex or weed up here. Take your pick.”
I recognized the valium as the little pills John had given me the night before and I selected those. Benny decided to roll a joint as well. He tipped me a little wink as he sat at his desk shredding and arranging leaves.
“Don’t worry, honey, its not all bad. I’ll make your life as pleasant as I can if you just be sweet to me. Do you want to be sweet to me?”
Sensing an opportunity, I rolled out of bed and crawled to him on all fours. I let my hair tickle his thighs as he was rolling.

Some time later the door burst in and John griped, “Dammit, you’ve had her all night. You have to share! When you are done this time I’m taking my turn. I’ll take it in your damn bed if you don’t give her over.” Benny laughed.
“Shut the door, you asshole, my bare ass is shining for the world to see.”
“You shy, pretty boy?”
“Fuck. Off.”
“Okay, okay… but I’m taking your joint. You’d better hurry up if you want any of it.”

Benny in the Beginning

2006-10-31T17:02:00.000-05:00

So, i'm not closing up shop.

Just changing a bit.

On my first night in Edward's house, Edward had his turn with me. Next came John. He was huge and rough and as terrifying and every bit as awful as I had feared he would be. But, after that I went to Benny. He refused to have me handed over to the runners, and instead took me to the bathroom that was just down the hall from his room.
I was sobbing with pain and humiliation (I hadn't yet learned to never let John see me cry) and when he offered me a hot bath it seemed like paradise in the midst of hell. I slid into the steamy water and let my aches and pains subside. I'd be sore for a few days to come, but wasn't truly injured.
His big hands came into the water and washed me tenderly. Next I knew he was washing my long hair with a gentle touch. Finally, he pulled the stopper and wrapped me in a towel. I followed him down the hall to his room and he shut the door.
He rolled us a joint and offered me a line of coke which I declined. I was scared of hard drugs then. More scared of that than this man who was being so gentle. After he snorted and we smoked things were much calmer and less intense. He got me a brush and I brushed out my wet curls before they could become hopeless snarls.
Finally he asked if I was ready to go to bed and I said that I was. I steeled myself to be brutalized again. But, Benny's hands were clever and he was patient. Before long I wanted him and I rocked my hips up to rub against him. We came together hard and fast and although i didn't get anywhere near my peak, it wasn't so horrible and it wasn't terrifying.
When he was done he told me I was good and that I'd be okay. That I had to get a grip on crying in front of John and the other men but that it was okay to cry in front of him. He told me he wouldn't hurt me. I used my hand to bring him to orgasm again and then we slept, curled together, his strong shoulders holding off the other men who would have brutalized me, and my trust making him feel better about himself than he had since Loni had died.

The End?

2006-10-26T13:06:00.000-04:00

i don't know what to do with myself now. This blog has been the most therapeutic tool of my life and now i have effectively ended it. What's left to tell? Repetitive stories of abuse. i can tell you again and again how i was used and hurt and about the other girls i saw used and hurt. But, honestly, i don't see the point. Isn't that just flogging a dead horse? If you read what is here, you get the point. i still have flashbacks and nightmares, but i feel silly putting them here. Like an amputee complaining about splinters.
What happened happened. It really sucked. But, i'm trying hard to pick up the pieces of my life. i take the handful of pills everyday. i see the shrink. i'm going to be writing about all my little craziness on my Live Journal. Some of it will be locked. Mostly the stuff that deals with my Dissociative Identity Disorder because people don't understand it and they get all squicked out. But, dealing with that is a huge part of my life. i spend a hell of a lot of energy pretending to be normal.
i don't know yet what i'm going to do with this page. i know for sure i'll never take it down. Well, unless someone makes me take it down. This is my story. This is what happened to the little girl that i was. She deserves for someone to hear her screams. Now people can and do. But, as for new posts... i don't know. i don't know what to say. Do you really want me to flog the dead horse? i can always lock it away on my LJ and no one need hear about that time with the bat, or the other things that i've held back.
i just don't know. The story seems complete.

Wriggling Free

2006-10-19T17:14:00.000-04:00

The next day, i broke up with Jackson. i figured if i was going to be free, i had to really be free. Getting rid of Edward was the tough part, getting rid of Jackson should have been easy.
It wasn't.
He beat me up and raped me right there at school. People walked around us like it was nothing. When he was done, i repeated what i had said, that i was done with him, and that nothing could make me stay. i pulled my skirt back over my ass, and limped away from him. Fuck him, he couldn't make me go back.
This happened at least a dozen more times. With flowers, chocolate, and poems in between. i took the beatings, i withstood the rapes, i threw the gifts away. i was determined not to bend. Finally i bit him on the dick so bad i got a mouth full of blood. After that he was a bit more cautious.
i'd like to say it all ended when something or the other happened. But it never really ended. Gradually he gave up beating and raping me. But he called and harassed me right up until my mother died. i guess that's when it stopped. Over ten years from when it started, it stopped with my mother's death.
i saw Jackson a couple of years back. It scared me to death. He scares me to death still. But, he is finally out of my life. Except in my nightmares.

Goodbye Boots

2006-10-18T18:51:00.000-04:00

i stood on the porch shivering in the cool night air, shocked by what had just happened. i couldn't believe i was alive. i couldn't comprehend that i was free. Just to test this, i unzipped the hated boots one by one. i peeled them away from my thighs and pulled them off my feet. i left them sitting on Edward's porch. Symbols of a girl he'd created and i'd just destroyed.
Suddenly the weight of what i'd just done came crashing down on me and i sagged under it. i leaned against Edward's door and wished that i could go in. Go back to the life i knew and understood. But, i knew certain death lay behind that door.
And so i pulled myself together as best i could, and i ran. i ran barefoot through the streets away from that house. The next time i'd see it, it would be deserted.

Just Go

2006-10-16T19:31:00.000-04:00

With aching slowness i slid the gun down over his heart.
"I'm in with Raven." He called. "Come back in about an hour." i nodded at him as the footsteps retreated down the hall.
"Good. Now. Do you plan on letting me go, or do i kill you and they kill me?" He eyed me steadily.
"You aren't scared of me anymore are you?"
"Nope."
"Are you scared of John?"
"Nope."
"Are you afraid we'll kill Benny?"
"Nope."
And, i pulled it off without the hesitation that i felt. His shoulders sagged. i slid the silencer into his mouth.
"Do you remember that first night? Do you remember bringing me here when i was so scared?" i used the gun to fuck his mouth lightly, letting my hatred and pain bubble over and spew all over him. "Do you remember that little girl? You killed her! You fucking killed her. Now let me go goddammit. Let me go!" He gagged on the silencer.
i got a grip on myself and backed away from him. i took aim on the man now on his knees crying. The man who had destroyed my life. i had decided to kill him. When his broken voice reached my ears.
"Just go. You're free. Just leave. No one will follow you. Just go."

Freedom

2006-10-14T13:13:00.000-04:00

Outside the door i braced to shoot whoever opened the door. i knew it would likely be someone that i had no reason to kill and that it would bother me. i also knew if i didn't kill them they would simply kill me and there would be no chance of killing Edward. And, i badly wanted to take him with me. i thought there was a good chance that if i even managed to wound Edward that at least some of the girls might go free. And, then my life would have some purpose. And, oh fuck that. i just wanted to hurt him. i couldn't bring myself to hate John because he had worn the chains i wore as a kid. But, Edward i hated with a passion. i wanted him dead. i would settle for injured. i knew i'd probably die before he got a scrape, but, i couldn't resist. i've always been dramatic.
i knocked. And to my utter amazement Edward opened the door himself with a curt, "What the fuck?" He was alone. i could smell the sex and quickly realized he had been training the new girl only a short time before. That was probably why Marty hadn't fought me about my lie. i brushed the considerations away as soon as i ascertained she wasn't in the room and jammed the gun against the base of his throat, clicking the safety off with one smooth motion.
"Who is coming and when are they coming?"
He reached for the gun. i pulled the hammer back. "Go ahead," his fingers froze. He stared at me in horror, "mother fucker. After i'm done blowing out your brains, i'm going to go down the hall and fuck {his daughter} with this gun. i'm going to walk out of here with her, and you know they'll let me go if i have the gun to her head. Do you think she's a virgin? She won't be for long, cause i'm gonna take her to Sugar's with me. And, she can go to that fucking warehouse! She can fucking go to that hell on earth. Everything you've done to me, i've already done to her. i've already done it, you son of a bitch!" i realized my voice was rising and i kicked the door closed.
He stared at me like he had never seen such a creature as me. i suppose he hadn't. i'm sure no girl of his had ever threatened his daughter. i knew i was dead, but i didn't care one whit. It was worth it to see the genuine fear in his eyes.
"Raven, please. What do you want? What do you want, for fuck's sake?"
i considered telling him i wanted the last two years of my life back. That i wanted my son back. That i wanted April and Ebony and all the other girls back. Impossible things. i considered telling him that because i really wanted to kill him and i was pretty far gone in not caring about my life. But, some part of me wanted to survive and so i said, "Freedom. i want you to let me walk out of here. i want to be Suzy High School."
Just then there was a knock at the door.

Goodbyes

2006-10-12T19:32:00.000-04:00

Benny kept two massive hand guns loaded and in good working order in his room. i had never laid a finger on them but i had watched him operate them many times. He target shot and took me along. i knew what the recoil would be and that my skinny ass had best hang on for dear life. i knew how to screw the silencer down on them. i chose a day when Benny had fixed, for i desperately didn't want to kill him, but there was no guarantee if he rushed to the scene. Best to keep things as quiet as possible. i gazed down at his sleeping face and wondered what hell he'd pay after they'd killed me. After all, he let me get my hands on his gun. i wavered but then looked at his damned works. He loved that poison better than me. Fuck him.
i brushed a kiss on his cheek and stole from the room. It was quiet, about 5 am. All the girls were in and John was down for the night. Marty raised an eyebrow at me when i appeared, fully dressed and in a jacket (to conceal the gun tucked in the back of my skirt)but didn't argue when i said Edward had wanted me up early for an appointment. That i was to meet him in his office. He was high, they were always high.
i crept up the backstairs. To my surprise the light was actually on in Edward's office. i turned that way and mentally whispered goodbye to Iris and Jenny and Franklin. my sisters. The mama and daddy who had no idea where i was.

A Day To Die

2006-10-11T23:14:00.000-04:00

After a month straight of listening to how Benny couldn't leave his drugs and a progressively worse stream of clients from John i was at a breaking point. my fear of death was gone. If things got too hairy and i had to bail, i had a place to go. my rage was at an ultimate peak.
i decided to die on a Sunny day in October.

Loose Cannon

2006-10-10T15:04:00.000-04:00

i was angry and sullen. The lesson John had set out to teach me had backfired. He wanted me to learn that i was powerless and worthless. i had learned i wasn't afraid to die. That there were things worse than death. i was no longer much afraid of John. Or pain. Or being degraded. There wasn't much i was afraid of.
John picked up on this right away of course, and was infuriated even farther. He expected me to come back and lick his boots. He expected me broken. Instead i had snapped. i was a loose cannon and ordinarily i would have been put down. But, Mr. Cattlet paid them so much money.

Rubbed Wrong

2006-10-09T23:14:00.000-04:00

Edward had me to the doc, and i had to have a back tooth pulled due to malnutrition but otherwise there were no lasting physical effects from my time spent "away." That's how they referred to it. As though i had been on a goddamn trip to the fucking Bahamas or something. Edward got a new girl while i was away. John broke Lindy's arm while i was away. April died while i was away.
In other words the cocksucking bastards went on being cocksucking bastards while i was dying by inches elsewhere without thought that i was dying by inches elsewhere. And, somehow, even though i had known this would be the case... it rubbed my fur the wrong way. Scrubbed it good and hard in the wrong direction.

Where i'm At, Where i'm Headed

2006-10-03T18:11:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking a lot lately about how i always seemed to bring out the worst in people. What was it in me that made people howl at the moon? my Granddaddy, JH, Jackson, clients. These people were worse with me than the rest of the world. What was it about me?
It bugs the hell out of me. i'm looking for a story to tell. Something that doesn't make me feel too nutty but that has a purpose in telling. i just... seem to be saying a lot of nothing lately. Have i run out of things to say? Maybe its time to force out that last night. Or maybe beyond that, the last couple of times Jackson raped me. He was determined, but i wasn't having it.
i've tried to write about the basement every way i know how. i just don't think its going to happen. There was once a little girl who was dragged into a basement, tied up by the neck and then tortured. Bottles stuck in her, animals killed, cuts, beatings, chemicals to make her sick and take away her breath and scar her lungs, poisoned food. She lived but she went insane. Maybe she lived because she went insane. It sucks a nut, but its how it played out. Maybe some day i'll be able to tell more. For now, i know i can't. i've tried. It doesn't work. A wise lady i know said some things aren't meant to be written. At this point, this is one of those things.
So i'll finish Edward's as much as i can.

3 am

2006-09-28T14:31:00.000-04:00

"I love you."
"i don't do that."
"I'm paying you. You do what i want."
"i don't say that. Didn't John tell you?"
"Yeah, but I want you to say it."
"No."
my arm was wrenched up painfully behind my back.
"Say it."
"No."
Harder.
"No."
Harder.
"Say it."
"No."
Harder.
"Say it."
"No."
It broke.

Flashback i had last night at 3 am.

8 Secrets

2006-09-26T20:05:00.000-04:00

i got this from Lili who got it from Watcher. These are two of my most favorite ladies, so of course i thought i'd give it a try. Memes ususally end up on Always His... but somehow this one seemed more appropriate here.

1) Things that remind me of my grandfather turn me on to the extreme and then leave me feeling disgusted and ashamed.

2) i have had orgasms at really embarrassing and inappropriate times in my life, i think due to stress and that i super-kegal when i'm upset. For example, when being questioned by the police, during labor, and being checked into the mental hospital for the first time.

3) i kegal pretty much constantly. Its a nervous habit.

4) i first cut at age four. It was after the first time i ever got in trouble at preschool. i felt like my whole world had crashed down on me. i had to find a way to stand it. The cutting helped. i wish i had found something else.

5) i used to fuck JH for cigarettes.

6) i have to wax my eyebrows often or i grow a unibrow. *sigh*

7) i continued to talk to Tommy for a long time after "the incident." J and i almost didn't get back together because of him. i knew it was wrong, but something broken inside me craved it.

8) my secrets are embarrassing. i spent a long time considering not publishing this list.

Registering Facts

2006-09-22T21:42:00.000-04:00

Down the steps at a leisurely stroll, he eventually enters the little girl's line of vision. Her head snaps up as she sees the bottle clutched in his hand. Red and gold foil announce that its Old Milwaukee. The cap of bunched metal sits snugly fastened to the top, creating a sharp edge.
The little girl's eyes flick to the cooler filled with ice and beer hours earlier and back to the beer in his hand with no signs of being cold or even cool. The glass is dry, dusty even.
The little girl registers all of this and the little girl begins to scream.

Gone Backwards

2006-09-18T20:20:00.000-04:00

We go back...

There is a little girl down in the earth. She screams into the night but stony silence meets her cries. Worn out, she falls into an uneasy slumber, constantly interrupted by her bonds and the vermin that crawls on her. Roaches are whisked away with panicky hands and inquisitive rodents kicked with bare feet.
Full dark now, all is silent but for the scurry of small animals and the whisper of bugs. At the top of the stairs the hinges scream their alarm as door is wrenched open.

i needed distance for this. The whole week will be written at a distance. If i get too close, it bites me.

Blocked

2006-09-13T13:55:00.000-04:00

i am having severe writer's block. First it cut down to a trickle as you can see by my last few posts. Then it just stopped coming. Nothing. i can't seem to tell you how it was. How i loved Benny and i waited on him to change his mind. How angry John still was and how bad the clients got. i want to, but i can't get it to come.
i'm working on it.

"Couldn't"

2006-09-08T19:31:00.000-04:00

We got back to town and i went home to my parents house and slept in my own bed. i hugged my nieces and nephews and watched my mother and father with greedy eyes. i drank more than ever and started defying Jackson on a regular basis, no longer caring how badly he beat me.
Then i went back to Edward's and worked. It was just as bad as before, the clients horrible, the rules stringent, the pressure unbearable. And, so again i asked Benny to take me away. And, this time, he flat out told me he "couldn't." He couldn't leave his drug connections. He chose his drugs over me.

Escape One

2006-09-07T19:07:00.000-04:00

When Benny and Edward arrived to buy me back i was ecstatic to see Benny and dejected to see Edward. i had gained a good amount of weight and he eyed me critically. But there was no denying that my hair and skin looked 500 times better and so he paid Sugar's fee for "repairs."
Crying i kissed Sugar goodbye. He whispered that if i ever needed a home i had one. Mandi kissed me goodbye as well and told me i was a good girl.
And, so i left behind forever the man who may have locked me forever into the life.

Well Behaved

2006-09-05T23:39:00.000-04:00

During the three weeks of negotiations it took before i saw anyone of my normal house again, i gained weight, got stronger, and serviced easy clients. I spent every night that wasn't spent with an over night client in Sugar's bed and i figured out how some pimps get their girls to start work and to stay. He made me feel special and cared about. Even though i always knew logically that it was bullshit, i still felt it.
I learned that Sugar bought all of his girls from the warehouse. Girls that felt lucky to be with him, girls that worshiped him would work better. I did. I tried as hard for Sugar as i did for John and it wasn't fear that motivated me. It was gratitude, respect, something.
Sugar didn't discipline the girls in his house. His head girl did, or she appointed one of the other girls to do it. But, discipline wasn't needed that often. I saw one girl get whipped and another punched in the face while i was there, and that was it. I myself never so much as received a harsh word. The head girl explained to me on the first day that if Sugar had to “dirty his hands with me” that i would be immediately sold back to the warehouse.
No wonder his girls were so well behaved.

Sugar

2006-09-04T20:00:00.000-04:00

i awoke at the feet of a big black man. He was dressed very much like you picture a pimp off of TV to dress. A purple suit and a white satin shirt. He seemed somehow familiar.
“Girl, what are you doing here, falling out naked in the streets? Somebody gonna eat you for a snack.”
To my horror i heard myself laughing at him. i couldn't help it. i figured i'd come about as close to a snack as i could get.
He looked me over close. Nodded to himself and sighed.
“You done slipped away from that warehouse aint you?”
And, now i was scared. He'd take me back. They'd just move me to sixth. i was terrified and i crawled to his feet and began to beg the man for my life. i didn't touch him, i knew that was a mistake, i just got close enough to kick, showing trust, and begged in the most broken craven humiliating way possible.
And he softened. And, he saved me. He offered me a place in his stable. i nearly accepted, i would have fit there. He wanted to fatten me up and use my breasts and hips as advantages. In house work. Sugar looked at me and saw potential. But, in the end when he said if Edward would buy me back from him, he'd let me go... i decided to do it. i wanted to see my family again. i wanted to
go back to my double life. And, i think some part of me had already decided to run. i wouldn't have run from Sugar.

It Took All Day...

2006-09-02T09:48:00.000-04:00

But, i finally found an article that admitted to the existance of snuff films. You can find it here http://www.tranquileye.com/historyofporn/snuff.html . What bugs me is the assumption that this can't happen in North America. Why is it that every horror has to happen overseas? i get so fed up.

Here is the truth. There is a whole host of little girls and boys right here in this country who have no value to the people controling them. There is a price tag on their little bodies and for the right amount of money they can be taken off and whatever in the world desired done with them. And no one cares.

Its not somewhere else. Its not someone else's problem. Its right here. And, our lawmakers are blind.

And someone to take her place.

2006-09-01T21:12:00.000-04:00

i wanted to post this yesterday but blogger was bitchy. So i'm rolling back the clock because there is something else i want to post today.

Butchered, hung, burned alive. Jerked loose her bonds during the break and ran away, leaving the two remaining girls to die like dogs.

And someone to take her place.

Once i was freed of the building and running proper, the chains at my ankles scraping the sidewalk, (Oh, thank god! There's two, not one. Sometimes that phrase will get stuck in my head and i can't get it out.) i began to worry about being in the city in the middle of the night, naked, shackled, weak. But that night, miraculously no one bothered me. In fact, after about 12 blocks i could run no farther. Panic was a desperate motivator, but it had carried me as far as it could.
And to my terror i was in the ally right off the stroll i would have been working if i had been sold into this city. Of course they would look for me here. Would the movie be over? Would they simply shoot me in the head? That would be fine, but not... Oh God!
A man was approached me. And, i fainted dead away, too big of a coward to face it at all.

Lucky Number Four

2006-08-31T16:32:00.000-04:00

When the fuck scene was over, or perhaps it was supposed to be a rape scene because only the tiny girl who had asked me what was going on had tried to preform and was beaten for her trouble, the lights went out again. We were told to line up according to our numbers. We shuffled tiredly into place. Girl 3 passed out and was drug into place, simply left laying between me and girl two. I began wondering about the carpet on the walls. All of these girls (with the exception of the tiny girl, i checked her number, girl 6) were as far gone as i was, some farther. I couldn't scream, i thought. Why did they need a sound proof room?
The big man, Maxie, came back around. He hooked a long board in the floor. The board had manacles attached to it. Two other men attached our ankles to the manacles. And, this is when the mistake was made that would save my life. They didn't notice that the wood at my portion of the board had been splintered by the last person chained there. The girl or boy that came before me had still been strong. They had nearly freed themselves. And, there is power in panic. Even for the weak.
“We'll do the first three, take a break, then do the next three.”
Lucky number four.

And, Suddenly, i Was Scared

2006-08-30T16:31:00.000-04:00

There were five other girls there. Five other girls to star in this movie. I'll never forget their faces. A big man with a scar that ran from his jaw down into his shirt (and all the way down to his navel i'd later find out) came around with a hat. We drew numbers out of it. My trembling hand held the number four written in a bold steady hand. A hand that hadn't been terrified or starving. A hand i hated intensely just looking at the number.
This movie was weird i decided when they rolled the camera without telling us anything. The big man came around, consulted each girl's scrap of paper and lightly carved the number into our naked hip. Just a scratch really. Just enough so that we couldn't remove or alter them. Not one of the girls in attendance made any sort of fuss. Some watched the carving, some watched the cameras, i stared at the floor. I guess we were all beyond caring. When the last number was on the last hip the lights died and cameras stopped.
Nothing happened. For a long time. Finally the redhead seemed so exhausted she sat down. A blond wondered to the far wall and leaned against it. The tiny girl next to me asked me if i knew what the hell was going on. I shook my head and walked away from her, we hadn't been told to talk. Walking made my head spin, i felt like i was going to pass out. My outstretched hand found the wall the same time the lights snapped on and the cameras were rolling again. The big man grabbed me, i was on the floor. He was on me, he was in me. I didn't care. I didn't even care enough to preform. Fuck them. I lay under him stiff and defiant. I expected a slap or someone to yell cut or something. Instead he fucked with abandon and laughed in my face.
“It doesn't matter sweetheart. In a few hours nothing will matter to you anymore. Maxie will make it so you don't care about a thing.”
And, suddenly, i was scared.

Oh Great, A Movie...

2006-08-29T16:29:00.000-04:00

“Movie. Oh great,” i thought. I hated movies. I hated the thought that of winding up in JH's porn collection and Vanessa seeing me. It was always in the back of my mind. But this time it was barely a concern. I had given up any hope of ever seeing Vanessa again. I didn't know what lay ahead of me, but i knew it wasn't home.
To my surprise i wasn't lead from the warehouse. Two men supported me as i stumbled behind my buyer, weaving through cots to the back of the place. We went through a big set of doors into what must once have been the offices.
Oddly enough the floor was covered in plastic and the walls covered in carpet. I knew what these arrangements meant and i shuddered. Messy and loud. I'd been bought for a movie that was going to be messy and loud. Fuck. Why hadn't i tried harder?

Specialty

2006-08-28T16:22:00.000-04:00

On the third day after i stopped eating i was laying listless on my cot watching the people around me, moving in and out of consciousness with fluidity. Nothing seemed real anymore and i couldn't really move. It felt like unbearable weights had been attached to my body if i tried to move it. So i lay still, rousing myself only very occasionally for a drink of water. Three men approached me.
“She stopped eating three days ago. She's already so far gone another day or two should finish her.”
One of them stroked my hair back from my face.
“She was a looker at one time. Still not bad. Pretty enough for the movie. And, she has tits. None of the rest of them have tits. Randell will like her.”
And so i was finally bought. Not for anything special. Only for my wish to die. I was bought by men who specialized in death.

Thoughts

2006-08-27T16:19:00.000-04:00

We have nearly arrived at the reason i decided to run. The thing that pushed me over the edge. To me it seems my most horrifying secret. To you it will probably just be one more thing in a long string of things. i don’t know how much of it i can tell. How much of it i dare to tell and how much of it you can stand to read.
The images are burned forever into my brain and the sounds will never leave my head. But, i long to pour them out here. On the other hand… it was such a horribly messy awful thing. There is no way i have the skill or finesse to shadow it at all. To take any of the edge off of the horror. And, i’m afraid to tread in these waters.
We have arrived at the point of my tolerance. Even bearing witness to this brings me shame and sullies my soul. Do i really want to put such a thing here? Do i want to drag this dark beast of mine shrieking into the light and leave it staked out for the world to see?
i do not know. i don’t know if i have the courage to face it. i don’t know if i have the ruthlessness to show it to you. This week may be obscure. It may end abruptly. It may start on a whole new path suddenly.
If i can face this, i may be ready to enter my Granddaddy’s basement. Even if i don’t publish it. But, perhaps the nameless deserve to be remembered too.
i just don’t know. At this point, i don’t know anything. Only that i’m afraid.

Ground Down

2006-08-25T08:20:00.000-04:00

Within a day or two i realized what the warehouse was, just that, a warehouse. Every girl and boy in the place was for sale. We spent most of our time chained to the eyebolts in the floor by our small cots. There was supposed to be no talking, but whispering was rampant and it sounded all the time like a church just before services started. Hushed but loud.
We were given sparse meals at least once a day, sometimes twice if it had been particularly sparse. Every day i was lead out and allowed to shower, my chains loosely pulled through another bolt on the wall. Shaved and showered i was returned to my cot to try to lure in a buyer.
People milled through our cots, going from this bright haired girl to that dark haired boy. i was in no condition to be in such a place. My hair, once my crowning glory, hung limp and lifeless with malnutrition. i was starved in appearance and pitiful looking. Not the least bit sexy.
At first i tried. i knew if i could just get someone to test me, they'd buy me. And, i tried hard. But, no one came near. My show drew in one fascinated teenage boy but his father told him i looked like i was dying, i probably had a disease. i cursed John. i tried harder. And, then i gave up.
i lay on my cot and stared at the people. The sea of people. i wished for Daddy's Little Helpers. Wished to watch John die. Wished i would die. And, so i stopped eating.

Enter The Warehouse

2006-08-24T10:19:00.000-04:00

Benny was saved from answering by the arrival of my temporary owner. The man was short, enormously fat, and had some sort of bad skin rash. He was nasty looking and i involuntarily flinched away from him. His men saw Benny out and he made me strip. The rest of the girls in the holding room were huddled into the corners looking relieved that it was my turn and not theirs.
Once my clothes were off there was the normal bending over and inspection of my intimate places, rough impersonal fingers poking and prodding. I bore this well, it being something i was used to. Finally i was redressed in head to toe black and soft black cuffs strapped to my wrists. I smiled at them. If this house needed cuffs to get their girls to go where they wanted them to, maybe the handlers had a light touch. But i would never see the inside of a house. From that holding room i was taken straight to a huge warehouse. It was absolutely crawling with young boys and girls. Girls both very young and almost old. The cuffs at my wrists were removed long enough to take off my clothes and then i never took them off again until the very end of my stay. By then my wrists were torn and bruised by the constant wear and tear and those cuffs but that mattered little. Where i was going achy wrists were the least of my worries.

Will You?

2006-08-23T08:35:00.000-04:00

The man who bought me didn't take possession of me right away. i was put in a holding room to wait with other girls. Benny came to see me there. He shouldn't have been allowed in, i was sold, technically not part of Edward's stock any longer and he had no rights to me. But, since i was only sold for a month and not permanently, the man watching us decided only my services were sold and let him in.
“I bet that sucked. I've never been to an auction before, Edward has never gotten a girl here, and I've never come with John to sell one. I didn't know it'd be like that or I'd have...” he trailed off. We both knew there was nothing he could have done. i'd sold for an astronomical amount, i'd be lucky if this didn't become a regular part of my life.
I tried to smile at him. “They said i was too skinny. I bet John loved that!”
He laughed in a shaky way, i could tell he was close to panic. “Want a candy bar? I have one in my coat.”
i smiled at him and shook my head. i laid my hand in his lap and whispered that what i really wanted was in his pants. He sobbed a little and pulled me into his arms crushing me.
“When i get back will you take me away Benny? i can't do this anymore. i'll work for you. Just take me away from here.”

Auctioned

2006-08-22T10:42:00.000-04:00

i stood on the block actually stroking the memory of the previous month's encounter with Granddaddy. That had been worse than this. That was the only thing in the world that i could imagine being worse than this, but it had been worse.
Where i stood was literally a block of wood. Just a wooden platform raised about four feet off the ground, sort of a sawed off podium. I stood in upright inspection position as the auctioneer told the crowd that i was a special entry, for sale only for a month. He gave them my name, my age, my height, my pitiful weight. Then he told them all of my selling points: talented mouth, good earner, obedient, little fuss or crying, ability to turn into a child (my mind spun a bit at that), extremely tight with good muscle control and he droned on. I felt like i would melt into a puddle and go through the podium and slide across the floor. But, i didn't know what humiliation was yet.
Next he told them what was wrong with me. He began with how skinny i was, pointing out my ribs and hip bones. Then he went on to how i'd obviously been mistreated. He pointed out scar after scar, even smacking my legs apart and pointing at my mutilated clit. No one ever noticed that! I was so humiliated. I could have died. I knew i was going to burst into flames. Then the bidding started.
Benny bid on me for as long as he could. John frowned at him but Edward smiled. If Benny won me back Edward could at least charge him rental for house space for me. But eventually, Benny couldn't keep up anymore.

Benny Powerless

2006-08-21T10:53:00.000-04:00

For clarity, this happened after this post.

John was sitting on the edge of the pool table and Lindy was attending his lower member. He motioned me over.
“We are taking you to auction.”
“What?”
“We are taking you to auction. What are you, fucking deaf?”
I tried to form the question without using any forbidden words like but or why. I could only stand there looking at him like an idiot and opening and closing my mouth. Finally before i could commit a real sin, Benny grabbed my arm and drug me away to the back room slamming the heavy metal door behind us. Automatically i walked to the center of the room and held my arms up for the chains there.
He gave me a scathing look and shooed me to the back of the room and the stash he kept back there. I watched him roll the joint after lacing it with something that i didn't care about. At that moment i would have let him fix me.
“Its only for a month Raven. John wanted to sell you outright but i argued for you and you are a damn fine earner. Probably the best we've ever had. Edward loves John, but he loves money more. You stay. It'll probably be just like the other times. You'll go to DC or Baltimore or New York a while. This time will just be longer.” He fired the joint and passed it to me. I took a deep drag and exhaled slowly, letting the smoke clog my lungs and cloud my brain. I passed it back with a trembling hand.
“That's not all. You have to go visit your Granddaddy. Jackson will take you.”
i shook my head in stubborn negation. Sold i could handle. Killed i could handle. Forced to see Granddaddy? That i could not handle.
“Can't you do something?”
He looked at me sadly. He shook his head. He held his hair back and showed me his maimed ear.
“Raven, does it look like I can do anything?”

Working On It

2006-08-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

i can't seem to dig deep lately. Everything is surface. A dream, a snatch of memory, a brief fleeting glance. i don't know why. Everything hurts worse lately. Probably just because i'm edgy lately. i'm sure i'll settle. But in the meantime i can't seem to write. And, i'm missing the outlet. i feel like a pressure cooker that isn't having its steam let off. i'll work on it.

Shrieking Into The Abyss

2006-08-18T15:11:00.000-04:00

i tried to scream loud enough to make my Granny hear me one time. i screamed and screamed. The chain at my throat would tighten and tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. Exertion left me exhausted and panting and still my shrieks went unanswered. Then i couldn't reach my water. i lay in misery until he pulled the door open hours later and said he had heard me. His hearing was always good.

Then i really screamed.

Winning and Losing

2006-08-16T17:59:00.000-04:00

my hair was across my face and i couldn't see anything. i felt the familiar stabbing between my legs and its accompanying thrusting and grunting and moaning. i made the required noises, squeezed the right muscles, rocked my hips. i turned my head to the side and stared into the souless eyes of the girl next to me. She was doing the same thing i was doing. i could tell. Neither of the men above of us noticed. Our handlers would have been satisfied with our performance, but i saw right through her. i saw her see through me.
Her eyes narrowed and she tried to out perform me. The race was on.

But, in the end, who would really win?

Her Name

2006-08-14T23:13:00.000-04:00

i lay awake at night sometimes thinking of Kayla. i wonder what happened to her. Is she out of the game, just past her 30th birthday, chasing kids and living with her demons? Did Ricky sell her and the child? What became of her.
i'll never know.
i like to think of her living a life of PTA and puppies. The sweet little dream she whispered in a cramped room we waited to die in. Somehow my imagination won't conjure it. i only see more of the same. She probably sees the same for me if she looks.

What bothers me most... i never even knew her real name. my sister, lover, best friend, confidant, protector and confessor. i suppose her name doesn't matter.

The Amazing Gingerbread Girl: Vanessa

2006-08-10T21:44:00.000-04:00

Vanessa has run her whole life. Run from everything. She's been married three times, had a dozen more serious relationships on the side and in between. She's run from reality to drugs and from drugs to church from God to men she thought were bad. She periodically packs up all of her shit and just runs away. Usually to here.
She doesn't know what she's running from or running to only that she must run and so she does. She does incredibly impulsive things and hurts herself and everyone around her without meaning to a lot. Then she curls into a ball and cries like a broken child, because she would never purposefully hurt a fly, much less those she loves. Only the run in her makes her do so.

Only lately Vanessa has tried to stop and face it. If it doesn't do for her, her run may be over. Sometimes i think it will do for her. She doesn't know how to be still. A butterfly will fly until its wings are in tatters. So will Vanessa i fear.

Other Paths: Marcie

2006-08-09T17:36:00.000-04:00

So... i've been thinking of how my life has turned out and how it could have turned out. The big 3-0 approaches and i think i am happier than i had any right to expect to be. i have a man who loves me to bits, a home that is mine and is safe even if it is a bit of a dump. No one can take it from us we own it. We don't have much, but what we do have we got on our own and we don't owe anybody a damn thing. i haven't had to lay on my back for anyone in a damn long time and the man i'm with would never ask me to. To quote a man i admire, "Life is sweet." (Go read Buffalo.)
But, i feel like i've been fortunate. What happens when you go down another path in your adult life? What happens when you feel like you don't deserve love and you run straight into the arms of a man who will profess it as he treats you like shit. You end up like my sister, Marcie. Marcie with the scars of her husband's fists and boots. Marcie who has lived the past four months without electricity because her husband's beer and drugs come before the bills. Marcie breaks my heart because she honestly thinks she deserves this treatment. Granddaddy broke something fine and proud and noble in Marcie, you can see it in pictures of her. Drugs took the rest. And, the man who came before her husband. He pimped her out for drugs. He wasn't a real pimp, a real player, but he still had Marcie down on her knees for profit. Its not a sunny feeling.
So Marcie is on a path that to me looks a lot like hell. Tomorrow we'll look at Vanessa.

What Do You Think?

2006-08-08T21:19:00.000-04:00

i've been reading and rereading the posts i wrote about the girls whose names i knew that died. i can't decide if i'm remembering them well by leaving their posts up or doing them a disservice by leaving up something way too graphic. i just don't know. Their deaths are raw for me. Harsh and raw and bitter and i tell them exactly as i remember them not pulling back an inch. When i wrote them i thought i would not pull back on their deaths as i usually do because... it was their death. They deserved for you to know.
But, now i think maybe i've told too much. i've smeared their last painful moments out like messy finger paints. i don't know. i'm questioning myself. And, yet, i can't bring myself to pull them. i can't take their names away. Messy they may be, but they are remembered.
So i ask you, my readers. What do you think? They are mostly here. Should i pull them and let them rest forgotten? Or should i leave them, their memorial messy but at least done with love and the best of intentions if not perfect execution?

Who i am

2006-08-07T18:46:00.000-04:00

i've been thinking about how people who read this page see me. And, what they see is a victim. But, that's not all there is to me. There is so much more. There is a woman who laughs at herself when she fucks up, a woman who goes out to the grocery store in her pjs from time to time. A woman who gets down on her luck and goes back to what she knows and does phone sex or sells sex toys til she pulls her family out of the hole. A woman who knows she learned to give the best damn blowjob any man has ever had and takes pride in it. In short a woman who was able to take some good things away from that time in my life. A woman who learned to survive and make the best of her life.

A woman who is funny and friendly if you'll just hit that email me button.

J calls me angel and i like that name but i am by no means a saint. i did some dirty greasy shit during my time, you can't survive and not. i betrayed Benny, i hurt other girls feelings horribly, i was violent, i fucked up time and again. i projected my shit onto other people and i was just... mean sometimes. i did the best i could, but you know what, it wasn't always good enough.

So anyway, there is a little about who i am. Please feel free to email me. Thanks to those who do. i really appreciate it, you get me thinking in new directions a lot and that's a really cool thing.

Vacationing From Shit

2006-08-02T18:48:00.000-04:00

i just needed a vacation from this shit. Sometimes it gets to be too much. i had to step away from it for a while. This thing with JH has brought up a lot of shit for me. i just needed to chill for a while. i'll be back next week.

Sorry Didn't Help

2006-07-25T23:07:00.000-04:00

There came a day when i saw JH feel bad about what he was doing to me. Or at least feel bad for me. He had left me in a cum soaked puddle on my mother's bathroom floor and a few minutes later Jackson arrived. He, of course, went nuts at finding me in such a state and beat me senseless before using me in a horribly brutal fashion. This second ride of the day was more than i could take and i escaped through a hole i found in the carpet.
Hours later when i returned the story was that i had fallen down the steps. Jackson told this story without a blink and i nodded with sincerity. It was JH whose eyes kept lingering on me and who couldn't sit still. That night it was JH who whispered his apology as he left.
Jackson, JH, it didn't matter to me. They were my hell. Sorry didn't help.

A Job Well Done

2006-07-24T23:03:00.000-04:00

JH never beat on me. Not once. He was never physically violent. He may have slapped me a twice in my life for being extremely resistant. Mostly it was words. He ripped me to shreds with words that left me willing to do anything to make him stop saying them. "You little cunt, why'd you like your own Granddaddy doing those things and not want a real man to touch you?" or "You need to learn how to be good so you can make a man love you some day. Your own Daddy hates you." And i would cave.
i'm not sure i can say he ever really raped me. i always said no, but in the end i always said yes. i always did the best i could. JH trained me. By the time i hit Edward's house most of my training was completed. JH had done it. And, had done a good job.

Karma is a Mother Fucker...

2006-07-22T21:46:00.000-04:00

and i love it! JH has been accused (falsely i believe) of molesting a four year old girl. She is out of his age group. Most pedophiles have an age range they prefer and stick to it. JH's is about 10-13. i don't care if its false, i'm pretty sure he is fucked and is going to jail.
i think back to the times i had to get down on my knees after Jackson had beaten me and left me somewhere and i had no one to call but JH. my pussy was dirty if Jackson had used it, but he would pump his cum in my mouth. Or the many nights i begged him to just let me go to bed but first i'd have to fuck him. Riding him and learning to use my muscles properly. The sick fuck. i hate him. i hope he rots.
Karma is a mother fucker you bastard. Fry. Fry fucker.

Not Long

2006-07-21T09:14:00.000-04:00

i was still on the floor trying to pretend not to hear when John arrived to pick me up. i heard his voice below me and knew he was down the stairs and for once i longed for him. His hell was better than this hell and i wanted him to come and take me away. So intent was i on the pitch and timber of John's voice that i was caught totally off guard when i was grabbed by the hair and dragged back onto the bed to lick the woman. This time i could feel soft hair on my neck and warm breathe in my face.
The woman had an intense orgasm very quickly. She ended with her legs clamped tight on my head and when they fell away my blindfold was askew. i looked down in horror at a little girl of about eight, her arms bound behind her back. It was easy to see she didn't belong to these two, for she was Hispanic and they were not.
i wanted so badly to save her, to help her get away. But, my own captor was at the door. The man opened the door to let John in and i held the little girl's hand.
"Raven, now don't give me problems." John threatened from the doorway.
i held on tighter.
"I told you, most talented mouth in the stable, but also no hardness in her at all. Now there will be a big teary scene, and I'll have to beat her. I told you not to let her see the little bitch."
The man looked daggers at the woman.
The woman picked up a bath brush that was laying on an ottoman with other nasties beside the bed. The girl started to cry. i took her into my arms automatically.
The woman pointed at me.
"Go now and I won't use it on her. Stay on that bed another minute, and you can watch her scream."
i left. That night i got Benny to beat me, but he wouldn't do enough to make me satisfied. i even asked John. He laughed and told me he'd not do it just to watch me eat myself up. And, i did. Until there was something more immediate to eat at me. So it really wasn't long.

Wait There

2006-07-19T08:23:00.000-04:00

After i swallowed a woman's voice said something like, "She won't be able to do it like that, you're dreaming, that girl is a trained whore."
Then i heard a loud smack and the woman fell silent. i held the edge of the bed with one hand, it felt like it was spinning. Out of the blue i was shoved to the floor where i landed with a bone jarring thud and thunked my head against some piece of wooden furniture.
"Wait there, bitch."
And, then i heard the man coaxing someone to come try. That this wouldn't hurt. That it hadn't hurt the pretty girl. Come on.
Finally the whimpers turned briefly to screams and then to gagging and choking.

On And On

2006-07-18T21:31:00.000-04:00

A gruff voice told me not to peek and rough hands tied something over my eyes. Flickering light came into play behind the blindfold. Then i was commanded to show a mysterious her how to give a blowjob. my head was spinning. i couldn't think. Until hard cock was placed against my mouth i was lost. And, then, finally, i knew what to do.
i sucked him off and the whimpering went on. On and on and on.

Disoriented

2006-07-17T21:09:00.000-04:00

This is something that still bothers me a lot. i dream about it all the time. i know i'll never stop.

i woke up with a start and i had no idea where i was. It was absolutely forbidden to truly sleep on dates, and yet i had. Actually, i had passed out. i was totally disoriented and i felt around in a panic. Where was i? Who was i entertaining? What role was i playing? What the fuck was going on?
It was pitch black. In the darkness i heard labored breathing and whimpering. Whimpering? Who the fuck was whimpering? Working with someone? Damn, i couldn't think straight at all. What in the name of FUCK had John given me?

Ebony's Echoes

2006-07-15T18:45:00.000-04:00

Once again i have tried to tell you about Ebony. Once again i have failed. Why is it that i can tell you of April, her eyes wide and her blonde hair coated with gore (i flinched, i squirmed, but i told) but of Ebony's beautiful brown eyes i can't speak?
i don't know. They both haunt me. my actions led to both of their ultimate demise. i loved them both and they deserved better. The world i lived in chewed them up and spit them out. i played my part.

So many times, i played my part.

Backfire

2006-07-12T15:06:00.000-04:00

On the third day after Melinda's arrival Jackson caught Ebony and i making out "off the clock." Jackson really was racist and slurs for her and cunt for me echoed up and down the house. Technically Ebony was Jackson's property. Jackson wanted to cut her throat on the spot. Melinda went white with rage and righteous indignation. (Of course his screams had brought her down the steps on the double.) Edward bought her on the spot for the insulting amount of 500 bucks. Ebony laid her head on my shoulder and cried.
Suspiciously they didn't do anything to Ebony at that time. They took her into the back room and made her watch what John did to me. i was as stoic as i could be, trying to spare her, but John was having none of that, in the end i shrieked and begged. But, of course i got no mercy.
Our plan had backfired, we just didn't know how badly yet.

Ebony's Idea

2006-07-11T21:23:00.000-04:00

During that first visit of Melinda's Ebony was still living in the house and she couldn't resist being a shit. Ebony never could resist her tendency towards mischief. She came to us all with the plan. We'd call her bad names in front of Melinda, but only if John or Edward were present. Outside their presence we'd be nice as pie. Edward and John could be depended on to be asses themselves. They looked for every girl's weaknesses. And, despite Ebony's toughness, that still hurt her. Racism still made her heart ache. Just as they wanted all of our hearts to ache. And, so they played that card.
And, Ebony found a way to turn it against them. For a while at least.

Melinda's Arrival

2006-07-10T21:09:00.000-04:00

Edward's sister knew what he did but disapproved. Not to the point that she would have her own brother locked up, but whenever she came to visit (she lived in another state) she rocked the boat. Rocked it hard.
The hell of it was, she was trying to help us, Edward's girls. She didn't. She made our lives miserable. Everyone thought she might make us start thinking we were human. John was twice as likely to string someone up for any little thing. Edward was more present in our lives than usual which was never good. He handed out harsh punishments like he was handing out candy. And, she ate Benny up with guilt so the one voice that ever said anything in our defense was suddenly gone, or even more slurred than usual or completely incoherent.
The first time Melinda came i didn't understand the other girls fear and near panic. She seemed so nice. i had been selected to carry her bags and escort her into the actual family part of the house that the girls were only taken into to pleasure Eric and Marna in their bedroom. She clucked over how thin i was and inspected the bruise on my cheek closely. i thought her nice, but a little weird as i scampered back to my own domain where i could feel comfortable.

Sigh

2006-07-08T17:29:00.000-04:00

Okay, so, Marcie was here all day yesterday and then i had to run around trying to get all of her errands done and get rid of her last night. No time to myself whatsoever. i love her, i do, but the woman would drive a religious deity to mainline tequilla in about two minutes flat. And, i'm out of weed. Fuck.
So, i had wanted to do the blogathon this year for this page, but i'm going to be out of town. Dammit. It falls right in the middle of the time J and i are going away for our anniversary. So that's out.
i don't where i'm going to go next week. i've circled my sick fuck of a grandfather as much as i can think of right now. i can't think of anything else "light" and i am still not ready to force the door of that basement open. Or go into either of those cursed bedrooms. Where does that leave me? i don't know.
i could go back to Edward's house i suppose. Maybe i will.

Staying

2006-07-06T15:45:00.000-04:00

Due to the fact that i moved Always His angel a lot of folks think this blog is moving. It isn't. At least not yet. i do have plans for this blog, but on a rather larger scale than Always His angel and so i'm content to stay here for now.

The past two weeks were just very hard for me and with the holiday this week and attending family get togethers i just haven't had the energy to poke at this stuff this week. i'll go for a stand alone post tomorrow.

The Killings ~ The End

2006-07-01T09:50:00.000-04:00

So yeah, yesterday sucked, i left the house when i got out of bed and didn't return until i got back in it. No time for blogging. No time for anything. It was a shitty day. Here's yesterday's post.

During the long 14 months of Granny's absence the first 2 or 3 were spent at starvation and killing things. Small animals and birds and finally one of Granny's beloved house dogs. By then i always had to help, and i had learned that a mask and complete stoicism made the process go faster.
But, killing Bootsie was different. Granny loved that dog. It implied (to me anyway) that Granny would never come back. To my horror i heard myself begging with him, pleading that Bootsie be spared. i tried to shut myself up, i really did, but my mouth just went on and on. And, then i did the unthinkable. i ran away. i ran away from the shed and went and sat on the basement door, and waited on his wrath.

Being killed outright myself was better than the thought that Granny would never return. It was all that sustained me. That was the end of the animal killings and the beginning of a new chapter for me. Many long months still stretched before me before she would return.

Scat!

2006-06-29T23:39:00.000-04:00

The next time was worse. The time after that worse still. i began to hate the animals because i knew they would only die and i would have to watch. i tried to run them off. i tried dragging their food away from the porch. When i was caught at it there was hell to pay. Hell that went on down in the basement.
Yet i couldn't stop trying. Marcie bought me a watergun and i sprayed the cats and kittens that wandered into the yard mercilessly. Go away. Run. Save yourself. But, it was like trying to bail out a yacht with a tablespoon. They came anyway. They came in droves. And, they died. It began to peak around the time my Granny broke her hip and i was left alone with my grandfather.

God Said...

2006-06-28T18:07:00.000-04:00

Yeah, sorry, i missed yesterday, it was an extremely shitty day and i just didn't feel like it. Today isn't much better, but, you know, i'm not going to let things slide totally.

So, at any rate, he first killed something while i watched after this post. i didn't react well. i still hadn't learned well enough that my only defense was a mask and that stoicism was my best friend.
i screamed, i pleaded, i promised impossible things. It just lengthened the kitten's suffering and drawn out it's death. It was pitiful and pitiable. And, i was powerless. When it finally lay dead and lifeless i was glad. Glad its suffering was over and jealous it had escaped. And, oh so guilty. For it was all my fault.
He told me so. And, he was my God. Had i not asked for anything. Had i not asked to see the kittens, had i not been a dirty whore with cock in my mouth he wouldn't have had to kill the baby kitty. God said it and i believed.

The Killings ~ Beginning

2006-06-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

First of all, thank you all for your supportive comments about Thursday's post. That is a major roadblock for me, and i really appreciate your help.

Okay, i decided the cat killing and bird stabbing wasn't so trivial after all.

i've mentioned in the past that my Granny loved animals. She had a large number of them and also fed all the strays in the neighborhood. It looked like a damn zoo or something. A page from poor white trash magazine.

When my Granddaddy realized that it bothered me to see things die, be began the killings.

It All Started

2006-06-23T17:51:00.000-04:00

His hands must once have truly been something to behold. They were broad, he could easily cup things in one hand my father used two to handle. Arthritis had twisted his joints but his fingers were still long, powerful, and covered by thick pads of callous. His skin was papery thin yet leathery at the same time. And, no amount of damage inflicted with tiny fists, fingernails, or teeth ever phased him. Piss him off? Yes. Derail him from his course of action? Never. He quickly taught his pet the futility of fighting back, and she only did so when swept away by a wave of incomprehensible rage too huge and strong to control.
And, then for a few seconds the tiny pet felt such a surge of joy. Seeing the beast bested, if only for a moment was a wonderful thing. But, then she paid. Paid so bad it was not worth. It was there she quickly learned that fighting is pointless and stupid. Easier, better, smarter, to be easy. To be good. To at least try to curry favor.
Which had an effect on everything that came after. It all started there. It all started with the chain around that little girl's throat. And, from there... it just kept twisting and turning.

No Pity

2006-06-21T23:19:00.000-04:00

i've been circling my grandfather. Trying to find a way to talk about it that doesn't drive me mad and actually says something. i'm having a hard time. i don't know what to say. i'm not ready to enter that basement yet, it does more harm than good. So, something outside of it is what i need to concentrate on. But most of that is graphic too. And, inevitably every time i write any of those posts i get pity. And, i can't cope with pity. i don't want pity. It was what it was. i'll pick up the pieces and i'll fit them back together and move on. Only please don't feel sorry for me. i hate that with a passion. Empathy i can deal with. i can relate, i can deal with. That's fucked up and shouldn't have happened, i can deal with. But, no pity. For the love of god, tomorrow, if i'm able to start talking, no pity.

Sometimes

2006-06-20T23:38:00.000-04:00

On lucky days, Granny would win. Before she broke her hip she usually did. She made it back in the house first, and i would be safe behind her by the time Granddaddy came in holding whatever body part she had injured with her cane and looking like he'd like to kill us both but didn't dare.
On the unlucky ones he got into the house first and snatched me from the nest i'd made shaking me and screaming about how much hell "that crazy old bitch would raise." And, i would pay.
It was a hell of a gamble. But, sometimes it was worth it.

Flower Beds

2006-06-19T20:50:00.000-04:00

i used to hide in Granny's flowers from Granddaddy. He knew i hid there, but i was so tiny and her flowers so lush that he couldn't find me. He would drink until he got to a drunken rage and then start tearing up her flowers. And, i would whisper my prayer that she would hear. Sometimes she would. Sometimes she would come out of the house, dragging her weight behind her walker with her cane in the basket on the front of it.
"Bobby! You son of a bitch! Are you tearing up my flowers again?"
And, while they fought i would have time to slip around the side of the house and into Granny's bed.
But, sometimes she was either too sick to fight with him about it, or too knocked out by her medication to hear.

An Answer i Didn't Want To Hear

2006-06-17T18:53:00.000-04:00

So in this post Pearl said that i always got the most fucked up tricks. And, she was right. i did always get the most weird sick fucks. Guys who were normal with the other girls in the house turned into twisted demented psychos with me.
i had noticed this way before Pearl said anything and had gone to John.
"What's wrong with me?"
"What do you mean? Nothings wrong with you, you are about the best earner in the house and you don't even live here."
"No, i mean why do i make all the guys act so fucking sick?"
He sighed. He pulled me into his lap.
"Raven, baby, all the girls are fucked up. We don't want them if they aren't fucked up, they'd cause too much trouble. But you are bad fucked up. But, its in a way men like. You are probably the most fucked up girl I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. You'll probably self destruct. But, if you don't, we'll sell you for a fortune. Benny loves you, so I'll find you a man that's good to you when he's not using you. You'll make a great pet."
"So its my fault they go crazy."
"Yeah, but you can't help it. Your crazy brings out their crazy."
"Am i nasty?"
"No, honey. You are just so much fun to kick. You aren't nasty, but you think you are, and it hurts you so much. You loose all dignity. You come in scared but calm, and in no time they break you. Who can resist that?"
"You do."
"Benny loves you. I lay off you because I let him have you. Sometimes I regret it. But, if I played with you all the time, you'd almost definitely kill yourself. And, you're worth too much money."
He twisted my nipple until i squirmed and i felt him harden under my lap.
"Now go away, go away before I play with you. Get the fuck away from me, Raven. You are a temptation I don't need right now."

Taken Down

2006-06-16T15:21:00.000-04:00

i was cooperative. Meek. Jimmy was rough and i could taste my own blood, but this was nothing i couldn't handle. But, when he drug me up from the rock and said, "Come on, cunt, I want some pussy too," something deep inside me awoke. Something angry. Something that wanted blood.
Thinking me broken and obedient he hadn't bothered to restrain my arms, but was simply dragging me by my hair. It was difficult with my head bent at such an odd angle but i managed a fairly decent right hook that knocked him off balance and he let go my hair. Taking advantage of his temporary weakness i kicked his knees as hard as i could and he hit the ground like a ton of bricks.
Then i made a run for it. i reached the first step when Jerry caught me and i turned and headbutted him as hard as i could. He grabbed his face in agony, and staggered backwards. Tommy stood at the bottom of the steps and stared at me. Our eyes met for a moment, and then i turned to run again. He made no move to come after me. On the third step, what I knew would happen did. my foot caught in one of the oddly placed grooves and the slippery moss sent me sliding. On the second step i managed to catch hold of the third and i was struggling to get up when agony erupted in my back. i was so wrapped up in the pain of being kicked square in the kidney by Jimmy's boot that i barely noticed when he grabbed my ankle and drug me down the steps drawing blood on my face, neck, chest, and stomach.
At the bottom he drug me a bit along the rocky path and then flipped me onto my back. Straddling me he spit in my face and then punched me in along my cheekbone.
"You fucking bitch! You hit me! You kicked me!"
He punched me in the eye.
"You're gonna regret. Oh, bitch, you done fucked up. Fucked up bad."
He stood up.
"Get up and get over there on that fucking picnic table."
i shook my head. He kicked me in the ribs.
"Now."
i shook my head. He kicked me in the stomach. i doubled up and puked. He walked around behind me and kicked me in the kidney again, the other one this time. And, i screamed. And, at the sound of my own screams, the fight went out of me.
i rolled over onto my hands and knees and started crawling towards the picnic table. It was a long crawl. Every few feet he would kick me again in the ribs, the back of the thigh, the bicep. Finally i made it to the picnic table but i couldn't stand up.
"Bitch, get up there, now. You got a bill to pay. Do it now, goddamn it."
i tried. i fell back in the dirt on my ass and the pain took my breathe. Tommy grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. When my breathe caught again he looked away.
"I thought you didn't give a fuck, you pussy," Jimmy sneered.
"Its one thing take a piece of pussy, its another to beat on her like that, you asshole."
"Does that mean you don't want anymore?"
"No, it just means I want you to quit fucking hitting her."
"I might, I might not. Right now I'm gonna tear her up so bad the only hole you two are gonna get any satisfaction from is her mouth."
Jimmy turned his attention back to me. "If you wanna keep those clothes, strip."
i pulled my shirt off and threw it as far as i could, i didn't want it to get trampled, or used to wipe off on. my bra was easy too. i was barefoot, as always, so that was easy. i unbuttoned my jeans and got them down to my knees but my kidneys screamed too loud to let me pull them off. i used my feet to stomp them off then picked them up with my toes and flung them in the same direction as shirt and bra. i didn't bother fucking with the panties. Let him rip them off, it hurt too much and i didn't care.
He backhanded me, busting my nose this time, but by now i was ready for him. i only stood there, my eyes fixed on his chin, waiting to be told what to do. i knew it would be awful to try to give blowjobs when the blood in my nose crusted and i couldn't breath through it, but there was no use worrying about it.
"Turn around and lean over the table"
i did. It was totally unnecessary but he had Tommy and Jerry each hold one of my arms and proceeded to rape me. Both places. He wore a condom, wasn't really very large and i still had the ability to cut my body off. But my lack of screaming and crying seemed to anger him. After he reached his second orgasm Jerry was ready for his turn, but instead Jimmy began beating my face into the table. That's probably when i got the concussion. And, the broken cheekbone.
Tommy tried to stop him.
"That's enough, dammit. She's letting you do it now. She's not resisting at all. Why are you beating her now?"
Jimmy punched Tommy in the face twice. Tommy shut up. He stood staring at me for a few minutes. The he turned around and walked away.
Jerry wanted me on my back. He wanted another blowjob. But, he couldn't stand to look at the mess Jimmy had made of my face. He flipped me back over and fucked me in the ass. When he came he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "I'm real sorry about all this. You weren't supposed to get hurt."
Then Jimmy crawled on my chest and fucked my throat. i couldn't breath and i had to fight not to panic but to use my tongue, stay cooperative and get him off. Watching that must have gotten Jerry hard because while Jimmy was still in my throat i felt Jerry maneuver me into a position so he could get into my pussy. They fucked in tandem. Jimmy finished first, and again when Jerry finished, he leaned forward and whispered his apology.
Jimmy stood considering, his cock flaccid between his legs. i kept my eyes on the table and tried to look defeated. It wasn't too hard. i felt defeated. But, it wasn't enough. Something he saw in me pissed him off again and before i knew it he had my hair pinned to the table with his knees and was punching me in the stomach, ribs, sides, breasts, my entire torso.
Jerry laid a hand on Jimmy's arm.
"Dude! If you kill her we are all fucked. What the fuck? So she tried to get away. Get the hell over it. If you had stuck to the plan it would have been her word against ours. Now look at her, she has obviously been fucked up. Think man. That's all I'm saying. Think."
"What if I just kill her."
"Tommy will never go for it. And, don't even say it, man. That guy is my cousin, my blood. I'd kill you first. Take you one more turn, then we are leaving. Go a little easier on her. I know she pissed you off, man, but, damn. She's paid for it. Way too much. I can't look at her no more. Maybe she'll be better after we clean her up, but I can't look at her no more. And she was a pretty girl too." He shook his head and walked off in the same direction Tommy had, leaving me alone with Jimmy.
"Roll over"
i did. He punched me in the kidneys a while. i guess he had found my weakness. i know my screams must have echoed through the woods for a while. Then he bit me, a long held fear of mine. He took chunks out of my breasts and back and thighs and outer lip of my vagina. Then shallow cuts with his pocket knife all over me, particularly along my throat, each time he promised that he would kill me this time. Finally he ended the violence by blacking my other eye for me and then he jacked off on me. He pulled me roughly off the table hitting my head on the stone bench connected to it and knocking me out.
The next thing i remember Tommy and Jerry were carrying me to the river. i asked tiredly if they meant to drown me and if they did if they would knock me out first. Tommy looked away. Jerry said they were only going to clean me up. He promised me another buzz.
The rest of the story doesn't really matter. Jimmy planned to do it again. Tommy wasn't man enough to stand up to him, but he did help me escape. i had to spend some time in the hospital and then hide out in a hotel a while so no one saw me. By the time i came back, it was widely known that i'd been gang banged by the three of them and had loved it. People around here still talk about it from time to time.
Iris, Vanessa, Marcie, and Jenny know that Tommy raped me. That he gang raped me. They are still friends with him. This surprises me not at all.

It Starts

2006-06-15T22:52:00.000-04:00

After driving around a while longer, smoking a bit more weed, and the three of them finally giving me half a bottle of Jim Beam which i drained, they decided it wasn't fair that Jimmy didn't get any. It was also fucked up that Tommy and Jerry had to settle for sex in a moving car. They want more. So the take me to the river. To one of my favorite swimming holes.
I resisted when Tommy tried to make me get out of the car and he got a firm grip on my arm and dragged me out. i fell to my knees and stared up at him, unable to comprehend that this person could be the same person as my friend Tommy.
He looked huge, standing at the top of the stairs, looking down at me. "You gonna be a good girl for them?" i ignored him, pretended not to hear him. He tripped me. i looked up at him and he repeated his question. i looked away.
"I'm talking to you."
i nodded without looking at him and he laughed. He reached down and helped me up then led me down the steps by the hand.
They were right behind me. About halfway down i staggered and Jimmy grabbed me by the hair to steady me. But, it scared me and i panicked and thrashed.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you dumb bitch?" Tommy demanded.
i shook my head. At the bottom we moved to the stone slab. i sat on a rock and looked for my cigarettes. i didn't have them. Jerry handed me one of his and then lit it for me and i blushed thinking of Jesse. i couldn't help wondering if they knew about that.
We smoked a bowl. Jimmy told me he wanted one of my good blow jobs. i pretended not to hear him.
i could tell he was pissed, but i was really afraid of what might happen if they decided to fuck me down there. There were three of them and they had more freedom to move around. i knew i couldn't get away. The steps were slick and steep and shaped funny and they'd have caught me in no time.
Tommy laughed at Jimmy and sat behind me so that i was between his legs. He kissed my neck and ran his hands over my tits. i felt my face flame with humiliation and i stiffened. Jimmy walked around and unzipped his jeans. His dick was stuck in my face.
"Go on, suck it." Tommy says, winding his hands in my hair. i started to whimper and twist my head away.
Suddenly Jimmy backhanded me hard, busting my mouth.
"Goddammit! What the fuck did you do that for?" Tommy yelled.
But, i had been taken by fear by then and i was sucking Jeff. Trying very hard to please him. He didn't bother to answer.

In The Car ~ The Easy Part

2006-06-14T16:10:00.000-04:00

The night of the party i picked Tommy up around 6. i was fresh showered, wearing cute jeans and a cut off tank top. We smoked a bowl and left. i let him drive. i had taught him to drive a straight and so he liked to drive my car every chance he got.
i gave him my dope to hold when we got there. i knew someone might take it away from me and i trusted Tommy. We went our separate ways. i got totally fucked up and was sitting and talking to a young guy named Jamian. Tommy came and said they wanted to go do something. i protested, he insisted. i remember Jamian saying, "poor ______" (did he know?)
i went. All three guys crowded into the front seat. i sat in the back, totally fucked up. Tommy said "Give Jerry a blowjob." i refused. "Give Jimmy a blowjob." i refused. Move cajoling, more refusal.
We drove around. We stopped to pack a bowl. Smoked it. Packed another. Tommy got in the back with me. i kinda fell over on him. Said i was sorry and pulled away. He said it was okay and pulled my upper body into his lap. Soon he was trying to put his dick in my mouth. (It was huge. i haven't said this before, but Tommy had a really big cock.) i did it. i didn't want to but figured it was easier that way.
i was sucking him and i noticed Jerry looking at me. He said he wished he was getting a blowjob. He climbed into the back seat. i whined and Tommy got his hand in my hair and rammed his whole cock into my throat.
Gagging and choking, i quit resisting. Jerry took my jeans and panties off.
"Slide up on your knees," Tommy commanded. i pretended not to hear him. He choked me again until i thought i would pass out. When Jerry pushed me up i didn't resist, by started to whimper and beg. Jerry started to fuck me and Tommy forced his cock back in my throat. At some point they switched around and forced me to turn with my head in Jerry's lap and Tommy started fucking me. Hard. i was spacing in and out from the pain and the humiliation. i had to claw my hands into fists that caused fingernails to draw blood to keep from crying.
"Give Jerry a blowjob," he ordered. i didn't comply. He fucked me harder. i took Jerry's limp cock into my mouth and sucked it. Tommy asked Jerry if i was sucking him. Jerry buried his hands in my hair and thrust his hips forward. "Oh yeah." Tommy laughed. One more hard thrust, then he said, "I'll take it easy on you then."
He stopped being so punishing but was still hurting me pretty bad. i whimpered and Jerry let me up a little. i moaned that Tommy was hurting me, that i couldn't stand it. They laughed and Jerry forced his dick back in my mouth. Sometime later they were done.
They let me get dressed and gave me a beer and we smoked a bowl. Tommy and Jerry fondled me idly while i sat frozen . Then Tommy told Jimmy to pull over.
Tommy and Jerry got back in the front. i rocked quietly in the back seat. It was supposed to be my wedding night. i thought about J. i longed for him and the safety and security he represented. i heard them talking about me. i heard Jerry say something like "Well, she's your old lady." and Tommy laughed and said no we're just friends with a nasty emphasis on the word.
If only i had gotten up the night before. If only i hadn't let him think i wanted to be with him. i didn't. We were just friends... i thought he might make a decent fuck buddy, but that was it. i hated me, i hated my stupidity. And, i hated the fact that i had become such a wimp. How could i have let such as this bring me so low. How had i come to this. Where was the girl who could so stoically take anything dished out, and gather her courage enough to run. That girl was apparently out to lunch.

Heavy Thoughts

2006-06-13T09:08:00.000-04:00

Turned out Tommy knew where there was supposed to be a killer party that night. One of the best of the summer. He was supposed to go with two friends but he'd tell them he was coming with me and that he'd meet up with them there. i was infinitely cooler, he said. Fuck 'em he said.
The night before the party seriously contemplated suicide. How could i go on without J? i looked at how i was living my life and knew it wasn't worth living. Tommy came along (he lived right across from Vanessa) while i was sitting in my car thinking about going to my mother's house and getting my little pink pearl handled pistol and blowing out my brains. He leaned in the car window and said "Whoa you thinking heavy thoughts."
"Yeah."
"So why don't you come back to my place and drive them away, I got a new song you gotta hear. Funny as fuck."
So i got out of the car and walked back to his place with him. We got trashed and ended up in bed together again. But, i was just tired and wrung out and i fell asleep. And, that fucked everything all up.

Out Of Bounds - Again

2006-06-12T23:43:00.000-04:00

So, technically, this shouldn't be here. This is supposed to be the story of my life before J. But, this is kind of my life without J. We broke up in 1996 for about three months when i called off our wedding 6 days before it was to take place. (Men are so touchy!) Not shockingly, he was a bit pissed and kicked my ass to the curb. i moved in with Vanessa and her ex husband who partied constantly and tried to "get high enough that i can forget his name even for a second." To say i was devastated is a huge understatement. Although i had done it to myself, that didn't make it any less painful. i was 19 years old, i just wasn't ready to get married. i was scared. Scared i didn't deserve him. Scared that i wouldn't be allowed to get married. Scared of throwing away the necklace. Scared of so many things. Just scared. i chickened out and then i was so heart broken. Life without J was not worth living.
i stayed stoned out of my mind perpetually. i got drunk every single solitary day. i snorted enough coke that my nose bled constantly. Every chance i got i chased me some colors. And, as always my happy little friends soothed my heart. i took enough pills to float a battleship.

When that wasn't enough i went back to what i knew. i started fucking all the guys around me. i felt like i owed it to them. If a guy wanted to use me, i didn't belong to anybody anymore, and that's what i was good for, so i gave it to them. i was with a different guy most every night, but the same guy a few times. None of them meant anything to me or me to any of them. i was still desperately in love with J, and the sex was just part of who i am.

i had a good friend during this time, Tommy. We slept together a couple of times, but we never let that affect our friendship. i always got up and went home as soon as we were done fucking with a casual see you later that let both of us know that the sex meant zero. He had just broken up with a girlfriend that he was pretty broken up over as well. We spent hours at the river getting drunk and stoned and talking about J and his ex.

As what should have been my wedding night approached Tommy promised me something special to take my mind off of it. He'd be my buddy. We'd do something.

What a great friend, huh?

Bitch Slap

2006-06-09T09:59:00.000-04:00

The trunk was already popped and i grabbed the clear plastic that Ricky favored and hurriedly tucked it over his back seat with practiced ease. i jumped in and slammed the door and tucked myself into a little plastic encased ball, dropping boots and clothes into the floorboard, not really giving a shit about the bloody finger prints i had left of them.
Ricky glanced up at me and recoiled in genuine horror. "Jesus Christ! Do you need George?"
"No it isn't my blood, let's just get the fuck out of here. Drive."
He turned to face me.
"Raven, what have you done? Is that guy dead? Do I need to page John?"
"No, the fucker is fine. He's satisfied. i did my job. i've got the money. Fucking DRIVE!"
He looked at me very carefully for another moment or two and recoiled again from whatever he saw in my eyes and turned and pulled the car out of the driveway. i relaxed back into my protective ball. i huddled and pulled the tablecloth tight around me, willing it away. It didn't happen, i told myself. i chanted it over and over again.
A voice broke my into my thoughts. "You fucking stink."
"Fuck you Pearl."
"You nasty bitch, ever notice you always get the most fucked up tricks?"
And, there went the bucket down into the lake of poison, and my fist shot out and smashed her mouth. Drying flecks of cat blood mixed with the fresh blood that began to pour from her torn lips.
She grabbed her mouth and said, "Oh you bitch, I'm going to tell John and you are going to pay!"
"Tell John! Do you think he gives a fuck about you anymore? Your cunt is so loose you are about half a step from being out on the street turning tricks for 50 bucks a pop. Oh wait, i forgot, you aint earning much more than that now are you? When was the last time you were in John's bed that Lindy wasn't there too? When was the last time John stuck his cock anywhere but up your ass? Your mouth aint got no talent and your cunt won't suck or snap, hell its so loose most guys can't even touch the sides. i'm worth five times what you are and i'm in the house a tenth of the time you are. So go ahead you worthless bitch. Go tell John."
Tears welled in her eyes and she turned from me and looked out the window. Later i would feel really bad. A month or so later George would fix her vagina. At the moment, all i felt was vindictive pleasure. Someone else was hurting too. Good. i wanted the whole fucking world to hurt and feel as nasty as i did.
She never told John. And, if she had... i probably would have been right.

Sick Shit

2006-06-08T13:34:00.000-04:00

i'm seriously considering moving all my shit to wordpress or typepad or fucking something. Blogger has annoyed the absolute living hell out of me lately. i write it, but its not truely out until i post it here. i need it out of me. i need here. i need it chained. And, blogger is seriously fucking this process up. i tried to post yesterday five fucking times. When you consider the small amount of time to myself i have at this point and how much of it blogger ate up yesterday it rather makes me want to scream. Or kick the shit out of something. This week's time line is totally fucked. I'm just going to combine yesterday with today. If that is blogger will let me even post this. It took me about 30 minutes of constant fucking with it to get a post published on If. i want to post on Always His angel today too, but i don't know if i have the energy to fuck with blogger again. This is bullshit.

Mark's kink was animals. Not me and animals, him and animals. Small ones. He'd fuck a cat or a small dog til he killed it. That first time i watched in horror as he held a small declawed orange tabby cat against a sofa cushion and fucked it to shreds. i felt in such sympathy for it. i had felt like so many of them were doing that to me. It's struggles and screams weakened and finally it laid limp and lifeless, it's eyes glazed as he ejaculated into its corpse.
i closed my eyes and remembered all the animals i watched my grandfather kill when i didn't cooperate with him. i remembered the he'd made me stab. my head was spinning. i was fighting not to gag. And, the worst was yet to come.

Mark ordered me to get naked while he cut the cat up. In a daze i found myself naked on the floor next the cat pieces. He smeared me in the blood head to foot and wanted me to masturbate to orgasm. On no planet was i ever going to reach orgasm after this shit, but of course that was no problem, i knew how to make that look convincing. The only problem was i was so damn freaked out that i kept spacing in and out and freaking the fuck out. But, this just made things even better for Mark. Shortly after i deemed it long enough and reached my manufactured orgasm he reached his second and jacked off on my face.

He refused to let me clean up. When Ricky and Pearl arrived to pick me up, i wrapped myself in a plastic table cloth and ran for the car gagging.

Clearer

2006-06-06T10:39:00.000-04:00

This was written yesterday. It should have been posted yesterday. i've changed the date on it so it will archive like it was posted yesterday. But, yesterday blogger was being a bitch, and i had to time or patience for it so i said fuck and went about my business. Today's post will be posted later today provided that blogger is not ragging.

Mark was one of those men. If John or Benny dropped me off, it was fairly straight up. Maybe some light bondage. A half and half. Straight up on the kitchen table or the washing machine. Easy money.
And, while i was still being dropped off it was hard to get a read on his kink. Sometimes i thought he got off on banging Suzy Highschool, because sometimes he asked me about school. Other times I though perhaps he liked paying for it because he always made a mini production about giving me the money. At the time i thought he was just being i don't know... naive and sort of a dork's idea of gentlemanly.
Then came the day that Benny was on a collection, there were several girls to deliver and Mark's house was close enough to Pearl's client to walk from. Things became clearer.

Pretty Plaything

2006-06-05T20:05:00.000-04:00

There was a comfort in working with the other girls. Even when it was hard, knowing another girl like you sweated and strained and writhed close by was a comfort. Fucked up? Yes, totally. But, its true.
For me the worst hell was always walking alone into a client’s home (not a hotel or a seedy motel, that was neutral ground, as much my territory as theirs) for the first time with no idea of what their kink was. They all had a kink of some sort. Even if it was only paying for a whore or fucking a girl young enough to be their daughter or their granddaughter.
It was always alone that the wildcards came out of the deck and the freaks dropped all their masks and let the boogie men that lived in their souls glide free. For the most part their was safety in numbers and safety in them seeing your handler drop you off. For many of them it was only when you appeared alone, unattended that they could really get into the fantasy that you were no longer human but instead a pretty plaything whose only purpose was to amuse them.

The Game

2006-06-02T15:16:00.000-04:00

He put two bullets in the six bullet chamber of his gun. i rolled the condom down over his cock and climbed astride him. i rode him as skillfully as all my training and years of experience had taught me. He kept the gun pressed against my heart as I did. Every three minutes a little alarm by his head gave a single shrill beep and he pulled the trigger.
That first time he pulled the trigger twice before I coaxed his orgasm from him.
After the game he treated me like a princess. He called me Raven again. He took me out and bought me nice clothes I could go out into public in without squirming in shame. He took me to dinner, bought me cds, took me to the movies and finally took me back to Edward's. There he paid the fee and gave me a very generous tip which he insisted to Edward that i be allowed to keep. He threatened to never shop there again and went so far as to threaten to let slip with certain men that Edward's girls had venereal disease. i was allowed to keep the tip.

i played the game eight more times. I guess it just wasn't my time to go.

Then Beg

2006-06-01T12:49:00.000-04:00

He smiled at me, a gaze i returned but inwardly winced from.
"My goodness, my little cunt, I think you are the best playmate I've ever had. I hope you are skilled. Are you skilled?"
"Yes." No use in lying or false modesty or any form of pretense.
"Can you cry or have you been robbed of that?"
"I can fake it for you."
"No, my little cunt- I love the way you flinch when I say that- I want you genuine. Now, what is it that your tricks, Johns, er," he floundered.
"Clients," I supplied.
"Yes, of course," he laughed merrily. "Clients. What do your clients sometimes do that you hate the very most. And, why do you hate it?"
I bit my lip and thought. I hate it all of it it. What was the worst? What made my skin crawl? Why the fuck was I trying so hard to help this man hurt me?
"They lick my face. I don't know why I hate it so bad," I shrugged. "Its disgusting."
"Then beg me to lick your face. Crawl over here like a good cunt and beg me to run my tongue all over your dirty little face."
So i did. And, he did.
And, finally, it was enough.
Time to play the game.

Willingly

2006-05-31T15:15:00.000-04:00

I had to think about that one. Finally I shrugged and gave him the best answer I could come up with.
"I don't care enough about dying to face going home without the money. I don't know what I want. What difference does it make anyway?"
Instead of answering me (I hadn't expected him to) he nodded.
"Take off your shirt." I did.
"Now. What did Grandaddy call you?"
I turned my face away. This one hurt. How did they always find the places that still hurt?
There was genuine glee in his voice when he said, "Come now, little Raven, surely you've been a whore long enough to know all men are beasts. If you don't give me your pain willingly, I'll take it from you."
I sighed again, and closed my eyes. He was right. I'd been a whore in one way or another all my life, and I certainly knew what beasts men could be. I gave him my pain willingly.
"He called me cunt."
He cackled with delight. "And that hurts you still doesn't it?"
"Yes."
"Take off your skirt."
I stood before him in my bra and boots. With complete knowledge of what I was doing I took the knife out of my boot and handed it to him. Willingly I had given him all the weapons with which to destroy me.

Quest for Answers?

2006-05-30T12:13:00.000-04:00

His eyes were grey. He watched me in the corner of the sofa a moment, standing over the just locked door like a melodramatic vampire before he went back towards his chair opposite me and sat.
"First we talk. That will be the painful bit, I think. Then we play. If you live, I take you our and treat you very very well. It is very possible, however, that you will not. But it is not a horrible death. I will shoot you in the heart. It may be a relief. Do you understand?"
I nodded.
"Now, my little Raven, who first fucked you and how old were you?"
I sighed.
This. So often this. I considered the lie of my nonexistent brother that I had so often told. But... this man might kill me. For that favor I decided to tell the truth.
"My Grandaddy. I'm not sure how old I was. I think about two or so."
"You decided not to lie! Now tell me, are you hoping to die or is this some sort of quest for answers?"

Dead Bolt

2006-05-29T12:37:00.000-04:00

There were three of us. A girl of about nineteen I'd never seen before, one of Brandon's girl's named Katie and me. The client said he wanted to play a game that might cause him to have to pay a replacement fee. He said if anyone wanted to leave, that was fine, they just wouldn't get their money.
The girl I didn't know and Katie stood up. Katie looked shocked to see me still sitting on the sofa.
"Come on, Raven, he said you could die."
"I'm not going home without the money."
"John handled me, trust me, this is an exception, come on."
I shook my head and uncrossed my ankles. I scooted deeper into the sofa.
"No. Maybe I'll get lucky, Maybe it'll be over. Maybe this will be the last time."
She looked at me close. She took my hand and tried to pull me to my feet.
"No, Katie. I'm serious. Fuck it."
Finally she reluctantly left me there. He closed the door behind her.
He turned to me. "You sure?"
I nodded. He dead bolted the door.

Regaining Hope

2006-05-27T13:30:00.000-04:00

Today on Lili's page she talks of moving on from rage and mourning. It made me feel so inspired. Have i told you all before how much i admire Lili? Well, this is certainly no exception. i think i could write here for the next 17 lifetimes and never finish my mangled tale of events.
Ever heard the term polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder? This is a label i got stuck with this last trip around to the boobie hatch. Oh how those people love those labels. Essentially it means you are fucked. No, seriously. Big time, super, mega fucked. Lets take a plate as an example. Plate should be in one piece. Okay, now lets drop that plate over and over and over and maybe play frisbee with it and throw it up against the wall a few dozen times. What do you got? A shit load of plate pieces. Some fairly big bits like myself that hold up okay mostly. Some tiny pieces that will crumple if you put too much weight on them. Some pieces that no one knows where the fuck they are. A fucking mess, living in the middle of nowhere, and just now, finally at 29 years old waking up to the fact that she didn't deserve any of this fucking shit and guess what boys and girls? i'm mother fucking FURIOUS!
Nothing anyone has said has given me an iota of comfort, fuck free will, and karama, and any other fucked up thing that left a dirty little girl tied up in the heat or the cold days on end finally begging for piss to drink and razor blades stuck up in her, all in her. Fuck a world where i was nothing but a goddamn human tissue and every girl i knew was in the same boat.
Fuck not being able to sleep at night for the screams, for the blood, for the shame. Fuck them all.

Lili, although my therapist says that memory work is the most important and hardest part stage 2 healing i had lost all faith in her. You... you i never loose faith in. Thank you for giving me back my hope. In you quiet way. Thank you Lili.

Practice Makes Perfect

2006-05-26T13:24:00.000-04:00

For the next week or two all the girls in the house (with the exceptions of Pearl and Lindy) had to practice holding an uncooked egg in their mouth. Then John would bash their heads harder and harder into the wall. When he finally managed to make one of us break it, we would be drug off and to the back basement room and strung up.
John was very very angry,

Older brother became on of my regular and favorite clients.

Funny how things work out sometimes.

Transaction

2006-05-25T16:00:00.000-04:00

I wished to be anywhere else. Let me melt into a puddle on the floor. But, older brother saved the day once again.
"Yes, we are," he agreed. "Look man, I'm sorry my brother hit her, he's a shit. But please don't drop me from your client list. I've never had girls like that. And they are pretty too. Especially the blonde." He eyed Kayla critically, "Well, she was. Do you think her nose is broke?"
John's eyes widened at that, but no, Kayla's nose was hurting and bloody but it certainly wasn't bleeding. John wasn't loosing his touch. The men sat (scooted far away from Kayla and the spreading urine stain beneath her) and worked out the details. Older brother paid the $800 for the 1/2 hour with Kayla and me and the extra $50 fee for damaged merchandise. John never missed a chance for skim.