i've been circling my grandfather. Trying to find a way to talk about it that doesn't drive me mad and actually says something. i'm having a hard time. i don't know what to say. i'm not ready to enter that basement yet, it does more harm than good. So, something outside of it is what i need to concentrate on. But most of that is graphic too. And, inevitably every time i write any of those posts i get pity. And, i can't cope with pity. i don't want pity. It was what it was. i'll pick up the pieces and i'll fit them back together and move on. Only please don't feel sorry for me. i hate that with a passion. Empathy i can deal with. i can relate, i can deal with. That's fucked up and shouldn't have happened, i can deal with. But, no pity. For the love of god, tomorrow, if i'm able to start talking, no pity.
