Sunday, July 31, 2005

Another Happy Sunday Memory 

So... i've been having a hard time coming up with these things lately. Here is one of Jackson, before hell started. i think its important to remember ALL the good in my life.
The first summer we were dating was like something from a fairly tale. He sang me love songs, brushed my hair (something i absolutely LOVE) and wrote me long love letters. And, once he slow danced with me in the pool during a gentle rain shower.We were splashing around in the pool with my nephew Franklin. At that time, Franklin lived with us. His father was in jail and Marcie was living on the street. She wouldn't come home to live with my parents because they didn't allow drugs in their home. But, she did send her son.Anyway, it got near dusk and i took Franklin in to my mother. She took over the care of him and i went back out to Jackson. Just as i got into the pool he stood up. He took me into his arms and started singing our song. i laid my head against his chest and listened to the low rumbling of his voice.We were slow dancing, the water gently lapping at my waist when the rain began. It was a warm gentle summer rain. i remember the warm scent of his skin and water above, below and all around me as his big arms guided me. i felt so safe and loved. It was one of the most romantic things i could imagine at that time. (The imagination of an 11 year old girl isn't so great on romance. hehe)He finished singing the song, and tipped my face up for a long kiss. i went to bed that night and dreamed of water and kisses and love.

Raven screamed at 7:13 PM

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Friday, July 29, 2005

To me... 

And, now how they related to me. Time to fit them into my life, since that's what this space is dedicated to.Benny was my lover, my friend, and he tried to steer me through a hopeless situation with in a way that caused the least amount of damage. We may have made a go of it, but in the end, he loved his addictions more than he loved me, and i loved me more than i loved him. i betrayed him horribly to escape, and i do feel bad about it. But, it was the only way, and i don't regret my choice to live and be free. i'm glad i eventually got that post card. He forgave me and understood i think. So i suppose he must not have suffered too horribly over it.John was my handler. He made sure i did what i was supposed to do, when i was supposed to do it. He took care of my problems that would affect my work. He protected me from clients that would have killed me, and he forced me to go to ones i would have avoided if at all possible. He broke my will and starved me. He also fed me obliviation, which was his way of showing kindness. i would be afraid to ever run into John again, he would probably kill me for the things i did to Benny and Edward.Jackson was my owner. He gave me to Edward, but there were many days when we were not at Edward's house. During those days, Jackson owned me completely. He used me in every way you can imagine and sucked at my soul, though he never quite managed to destroy it. Jackson destroyed my will almost completely and smiled while he did it. i do run into him from time to time, and he still scares me. He says he has changed. He went into the military and now runs a restaurant and decorates cakes (yes, my boogyman is a cake decorator, for god's sake.) But, when i see him, i look into his eyes... and i still see that boy. i see him laughing as he broke my fingers, or the completed look he had when he watched me scream. Perhaps away from me he is a better man. But, i have no doubt the well of poison still lives in his chest. And, were i under his thumb i would suffer like the damned again.

Raven screamed at 7:13 PM

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Thursday, July 28, 2005

A Miserable Life ~ John's Tale 

John's tale is probably the most miserable at all. The fact that i know this is a mark of how much he loved me, (yes i said loved) and yet we saw how he treated me. The man was twisted beyond repair. i hate his bitch mother, and i'm glad she is dead, and i hate that bastard Edward, and everyone else who was a part of the boy John's life. May the fuckers rot and burn.
John was the child of a junkie whore. His mother wouldn't give him up, even though she would have been allowed to. Benny told me that the state tried to take John from his mother three times, and she always cleaned up and behaved well long enough to keep him. Such was her determination to keep her meal ticket. Starting at 5, she pimped him out to male clients. She beat him, starved him, tortured him. Finally she sold him to Edward for smack. John was the first prostitute Edward ever owned. Until then he had only trafficked in drugs. But, beginning with John he started his trade in flesh and souls. The boy was 9.
Edward made every mistake you can make. It was from John he learned about the principal of happy workers. Because first he tried to keep the child as miserable and downtrodden. He kept John in a kennel in his apartment, and treated him worse than most people would consider treating the rat they caught in their rat traps. How John clung to life is beyond me. His mother was a frequent buyer from Edward yet never moved a finger to help her son. If fact, she would stand just outside his pen and mock him.
The day she overdosed in Edward's apartment changed John's life. Edward noted John's more productive behavior when he was happy. And, i have no doubt watching that bitch foam at the mouth and convulse made John very happy. Edward released John from his pen at age eleven. And, he found out John worked better fed, fairly happy, and treated like a human being. In time Edward grew to love John. And, as an act of atonement for his early treatment of him, gave him every opportunity to hurt and maim, which was John's chief source of happiness.
By 14, John, who would eventually top out at 6' 4" and about 250lbs, was too big to work. The men who purchase little boys, want that. Little boys. So Edward put him in charge of the other kids he had acquired for prostitution. It was because of John's preference for hurting girls that Edward picked them as his specialty. John was the beginning of Edward's empire. By the time i knew them, Edward was no longer actively involved in his businesses on a day to day basis. Men who had been his slaves since boys ran them... and ran them well. The softness of the boy John was gone. Only to be seen occasionally by the lucky few, like myself. John loved me because he loved Benny. And, Benny loved me. And, i was obedient and easy. And, John learned of my own childhood through my alters. And, he felt a kinship to me. That of two people who have lived similar hells. It is a fairly strong bond.i have no hope that John got out. Or that he is doing anything now other than when i knew him. i have no doubt he is still most happy when fucking a sobbing bleeding girl, and picturing his mother foam and convulse. Monster he was, and if he lives still, is. But, pitiful monster none the less.

Raven screamed at 7:11 PM

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Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Jackson's Hell 

So, today is Jackson. Dammit. i've wrestled with this all day. i don't want to feel sorry for him. i hate Jackson with an unmitigated passion. But, i cannot help but feel bad for the child he was.
Jackson's mother was a quarter native american. She didn't look it. And, i doubt it ever seemed important to her to discuss it with her husband. i wouldn't think of it. But, when Jackson was born, the problem became evident. His father hated native americans with a fierce and racist passion. And, Jackson looked very much like a native american.From early childhood Jackson was beaten daily. He was molested as well. He was made to eat outside under the porch where no one would have to look at him. He was burned with cigars and forced to say things over and over to the mirror. Things like, "I'm a dirty Indian, and no I should die." Finally when Jackson was 11 his father tried to kill him. His mother had enough and packed up her kids and left. None of the rest of the children looked at all native american. Only Jackson. And, his brother and sister continued to treat him with the disdain they had learned from their father.At long last his mother remarried a decent man who treated Jackson well. He made his siblings see that their father was an idiot. He tried to save Jackson. But, it was too late. Jackson screamed in the night and begged for mercy. His nightmares never relented and when he got older he grew into a big man.He thought, that somehow if he could attract a good white girl, he could finally wash away the stains of his youth. Finding out that i was not that girl nearly killed Jackson, and was ultimately his destruction. Because even as he hurt me, he destroyed himself. i was poison to him as surely as he was to me.my weakness, my inability to resist fed Jackson's monster. Soon he couldn't let me go. Because although i couldn't heal him as he had hoped, i did give him a place to vent his rage, horror and hatred. In the end, the only thing that kept Jackson going was watching me suffer. And, for years he bugged me. Tried to get me back. He was afraid of J, i think, so after a while he quit threatening me, but he never lost contact with my mother. Jackson eventually married and had a daughter. Not a night goes by that i don't think of that beautiful little girl. He married a blue eyed blond. But his daughter has jet black hair to go with her blue eyes. i only pray her pale creamy skin saves her.
Please don't start in on me about doing something about this situation. i have my own family to protect. If i ever spoke to the police about the things that happened to me, how long do you think it will be before someone comes around and shoots J, me and Bkid in the head some night? i'm sorry. i won't risk it. It makes me a bad person, and i don't care. Dammit i earned some happiness.

Raven screamed at 7:09 PM

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Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Benny's Story 

Benny first, because his is the lightest story. Although his hurts my heart most of all.Benny was a smart kid. He lived with his mother after his parents divorced and was a good student and an athlete. From what i can tell, his mother was a good mom although she worked a whole lot. Benny stayed a lot with his aunt. He had a bright future and things looked like they were going well.Then his mother and aunt were killed in a car wreck. Benny went to live with his father, who was a crack head. Three months after moving in with him, his father traded Benny as a runner to Edward. He was 11 years old. He was hooked on blow and morphine by the time he was 12. He never did do crack, he was terrified of it, but by the time i knew him, he did everything else. Benny popped more pills than the rest of us, he had a hard time living with what he did.Benny acted not only as Edward's head of drug operations, he was muscle. If you didn't pay on the designated date, Benny came around to see you. And, you would not be happy to see him. He was big, and solid muscle. The only problem was, he wasn't mean. He gave a good facismile of it though, and most people were fooled. Benny also helped John with the girls in the basement. That was mostly because he had grown up with John, and was one of the few men John trusted. Sort of.A few years after i escaped, Jackson forwarded a postcard to my mother's house. It was postmarked Seattle. It said. "Sorrier than I can say. Wish you were here. Love, B." Since i know thats where Kayla fetched up... i am hoping that Benny started a new life. And fullfilled at least some of the potential of that bright sweet little boy he once was.

Raven screamed at 7:08 PM

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Monday, July 25, 2005

Little Boys 

The time has come i think, to tell you a little of the men in my life. And, how they came to be the men they were. i think, its important to know that there were men under there. Men who had once been vulnerable little boys. Men who were twisted with hatred or their will broken and their addictions fed until they had no will left with which to resist. So, that is where we are going now. Down a side lane that isn't quite about me, but about the men who owned me. Make no mistake, i was property, and i know it. i have already given what i know about my Granddaddy, so we aren't covering him this week. And, i don't know the story behind JH or Edward. So we'll concentrate on Benny, John and Jackson. And how they became my own personal boogymen.i don't do this for pity for them, although i admit i have some. i do this because you need to know. And, i need to process it. Everyone can take their dark secrets to a dark place. Some of us just choose not to. Here are the stories (what i know of them) of three men who did not make that choice.

Raven screamed at 7:07 PM

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Sunday, July 24, 2005

The Alphabet Game 

Everybody knows the drinking alphabet game. But, i first played it with my mother. No drinking. It was one of the few ways we could communicat with one another when i was little. We'd pick a letter, and spend hours playing. She always raved about how smart i was, and would praise me highly. i loved being close to her, talking to her, and i loved her telling me i was smart and praising me. It was a wonderful game, and brought me much happiness during my childhood.

Raven screamed at 7:07 PM

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Friday, July 22, 2005

Just a Whore 

They never found out what we did, or how close we came to escape. Thank goodness for that. Or Benny would have died. And, i would have had to watch. What happened instead was Matthew had to die. And, Benny had to watch.John drug me back to Edward's. He flung me onto the floor of the back basement room and paced. i knew he was trying to decide what to do. He knew the baby was most likely Benny's, so it was Benny he called first. It was Benny he told to get rid of it. And, Benny refused. He tried to shield me with his own large body. But, John was larger, meaner, and more clever.In the end, he called on Jackson. John held Benny and made him watch. Jackson punched me in the stomach until i fell down. Then he kicked me there. Over and over. The pain was unbearable. And then it became different. And, i began to bleed. And, in a flow of blood, my baby finally came a few hours later. Right there in the back basement room of Edward's house. He was already dead, Jackson had murdered him. i could cup his tiny body in the palm of my hand. But he was perfect. And beautiful. His tiny eyes were lashless and his skin translucent. The gleam of his bones could be seen at the knees and toes and finger. His tiny mouth was a delicate pink. i was only allowed a minute with him, and John snatched him away.Jackson stuffed my son into a garbage bag and with John he walked away. i have no idea what became of him. Benny badly beaten, came to my side. He took me into his big arms and held me tightly for a while, murmuring nonsense and patting me. Finally he picked me up and took me upstairs to his bed. He gave me my knife, and got out both of his guns. i knew i was in grave danger.But, when the knock came at the door, it was not insistent. And, Benny opened it cautiously a crack. John was there with George. To fix me up. He handed Benny some Daddy's Little Helpers for me and said, "We have to stick together Benny. She's a whore. She's nothing. i've told you a hundred times. These girls are like the dog you had as a boy. It was sad when he died, or suffered, but not the end of the world. You had to learn, man. Ya'll both did. I'm not going to kill her, or hurt her no worse. And, George here will fix her up. Now, you let him do that. Ya'll mourn for one night. Then get the fuck up over it, she's just a whore."This enormous speech was made in a voice that was tight with emotion. i don't believe John truly thought of us as animals. But, he had to treat us that way to do his job.George set me right as best he could. Then Benny held me tight. We named our baby Matthew and talked about the child he might have been. Come the morning, we promised never to speak of it to each other again. It hurt too much.

Raven screamed at 7:05 PM

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Thursday, July 21, 2005

Misfortune 

And, that may have happened. Except on Friday Jackson decided he wanted to use me. At school if he had to. He wanted to fuck, period. And, of course i had no right to resist. By this time, i was noticably showing when my clothes where off. And, when he got them off, he knew.He freaked out and called John as soon as he got home. i paged Benny repeatedly but never got a call. Instead, John eventually showed up at MY door. Which had never happened before and would never happen again. Neither of my parents were home, so with him holding my left arm in a vice like grip, i scrawled a note with my right. And, left with him.When we arrived at Edwards he drug me into the basement and threw me against the pool table. "How bad is it? How far are you?"i could only shrug. i wasn't sure how far along i was."You are going to George. I'm not giving you anything. And, you are NOT FUCKING HAVING IT!"He was beside himself. But, eventually he calmed, and asked me the question i was dreading."Did Benny know?"And, because i loved him. Because he tried to take me away. Because i didn't want him to die, i lied."Benny! Of course not! He would have told YOU!"And, somehow, thank goodness he believed me. He slapped me in the face."You should have told me, you stupid cunt! I could have fucking fixed it easy then. Now, you've hid it! FUCK!"And, i was on the floor, where i stayed down. Until he took me to George.The real problem was when George wouldn't fix it. The baby was too far along. He wouldn't kill it. i was damn near seven months.

Raven screamed at 7:03 PM

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Wednesday, July 20, 2005

So Close 

my part was done by Tuesday of the following week. Then just time for Benny to make his purchases. This, too, miraculously went smoothly. i stayed in my room and prayed. And, paged him once a night to check in and make sure that he hadn't been caught. i had no doubt if Edward got wind of what Benny was up to, he would not survive the wrath.But, it went well. He saved back a grand to set us up where we were going, and 1500 to make a trust building purchase when we landed. On Thursday he was finally at the end of his terrifying work. We were ready to run. Monday would see us gone.

Raven screamed at 7:03 PM

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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Gathering Resources 

Over the course of the next week, i serviced 8 clients at 500 bucks a pop. This was the first time i realized how much money those fucking vultures were making off of me. Now these weren't easy clients. At best i had to pretend to be a small child. And, at worse, i would be servicing some rather nasty and painful fetishes.But, still... 500 fucking dollars? And, i got a couple of lousy xanex or a 7 dollar hit of acid? i was pissed off. i could not believe i was making this kind of money for them. And, my scheming little brain figured that i could supplement Benny's drug income with much much less working than i had ever dared to hope.It looked like things might be okay. The only thing that bothered me, was knowing it would be at least a couple of years before it would be safe to contact my family. And, i would miss Vanessa, Iris, Jenny, Marcie and her son, Franklin a great deal. But, for my baby's sake, i would do it.

Raven screamed at 6:58 PM

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Sunday, July 17, 2005

Liars and Theives 

The next 2 weeks were terrifying. my mother was out of town on a business trip. my dad could pretty much give a fuck what i did. So i could do anything i wanted. But, i lied to Jackson and told him i was grounded. Couldn't go anywhere or phone at all for 2 weeks. When i was really grounded my parents were extremely strict and i could barely breath. So this was easily accepted. That took care of him.Then Benny made up his lie. He said he wanted to get away for a while. So he "went to the beach." Now, John probably knew we were together, and so did Edward. The men were not stupid. But they probably thought we had gone to the beach. Not that we were stealing their best clients.

Raven screamed at 6:57 PM

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Golden Perfect Week 

i stayed with Vanessa and Iris one whole week when i was 8 years old. JH and Vanessa were fighting and he was staying at his mother's. So it was just me and Vanessa and Iris. It was like a week in heaven. We lived off of Roman Noodles (but i was allowed to eat as much of them as i wanted) and walked to a friend's house that took us to the river everyday. It was, up to that point the best week of my life. It culminated in Vanessa dressing Iris and i up in fancy dresses she found at the thrift shop and spending a long long time fixing our hair. Then we were picked up by my mother and we went to have our pictures made. And, usually when with Iris who has always been stunning, i was unnoticed. But, that day, my mother told me i looked pretty too. Which is very important to an 8 year old girl. One golden perfect week.

Raven screamed at 6:57 PM

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Friday, July 15, 2005

Well Hell, A Sidenote on Guilt and Shame 

Okay, i prepared this, in answer to the outcry i have received about this part of my history.
So, i've gotten a lot of comments and email and IMs about how April's horror was not my fault. i don't know if i believe that, or if i will ever accept it. i believe John was right, and i did have a piece in this. i planted the idea of sending her, i gave her no warning, and she was sent in my place. There is definitely a piece of the big blame pie for me. But, sadly, that doesn't help her.i know April didn't blame me. With her big expressive eyes and sweet body she told me she held no ill will. And, she cried for me when i lost Matthew. She was probably one of the most forgiving people i have ever known. Of course, John kept her perpetually stoned out of her mind for the rest of her days. And i was glad. i always knew if the fog cleared from her eyes, i would see hatred there.
But then, anylady said this: I'm just going to reiterate here...SO NOT YOUR FAULT! John tried to pass the blame onto you but in reality it wasn't even HIS fault...it is Mr. Catlette's fault. As for how this affected you though, this is a classic case of blaming the victim...and here you are buying into it. This type of emotional abuse is much more subtle than his beatings, but it is still there. John tried to make you feel responsible for this horror that you were much too young to have to witness, much less fear enduring yourself. And he is trying to make you feel guilty for not wanting to be that person, that victim? What is to say you wouldn't have ended up the same way? You are supposed to feel guilty for avoiding such a fate? You liberated yourself from the situation from stubbornness or strength...or both...please be strong and recognize this as another situation that you genuinely did not control. There are so many whatifs to what happened to April...so many things that the adults in the situation could have done differently to prevent this atrocity. There is nothing you could do. You couldn't go to take the beating yourself even if you had wanted to...you were sick...but even if you had, there is no telling if you would have ended up any different than April did. It could have just been a really bad night for Mr. Catlette too. He sounds like a demon. You are so fortunate to have survived multiple encounters with this monster.I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I am glad you are getting it out in the open though. You are very brave to confront this past.
And, now i am questioning and thinking. The tough love approach works on me i suppose. i always was a sucker for strong words. i always cave. But, this time maybe thats a good thing. i'm still not sure. But, when put that way... i do feel a little dumb. So, will be searching my soul on this a bit.

Raven screamed at 6:56 PM

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Thursday, July 14, 2005

April Silenced 

i pulled myself off the floor and ran to John's side, still retching. In my painful anxiety i was whispering Oh god! over and over and dancing from foot to foot. i thought for sure she was dead. Her eyes were gummed closed with gore. Her whole face covered in gore, her soft baby blonde hair matted with drying blood, and it pooled on her throat and chest. i thought her throat was slit and she was dead.But, then she retched and threw up a great deal of blood all over John. To his credit, he paid that no mind what so ever, only stroked her hair and crooned softly to her. He laid her in the back basement floor and and turned so suddenly on me, i had no time to react. He grabbed my long hair and jerked me close, then wiped his bloody hands on my face."There, there, get your share. This time it wasn't only me. Get your share, cunt."Then he backhanded me so hard i stumbled backwards. When i hit my knees, i stayed there. It was always better to stay down with John. But, he turned on his heel suddenly and was gone. Striding for the telephone and George. For help.i crawled across the floor to April, who was now moaning piteously. And, then i finally saw. Her tongue had been cut out. i lifted her nightie to check for wounds i could treat, and found the money shoved into her vagina. A huge wad of hundred dollar bills. It made me gag again, and have horrible terrible thoughts. Put i just extracted what must have been most uncomfortable and laid it beside her.Then i got up and ran. Ran to find Benny. Ran for comfort. Ran from horror. Just ran.
Epilogue: April had spoken three times in Mr. Catlette's presence. i hadn't told her how deadly serious he was about that rule. And, she thought he would like punishing her, and cum sooner, so she could get away from that hell. He had her tongue cut out.i don't know when i'll get to the rest of April's tale. And, she deserves for you to know. So i'll tell you here. She lived. She was unable to ever speak again, and of course one needs a tongue for lots of things on dates. So, she was no longer a choice girl, and was thus pimped out to less desirable clients. Eventually one of them shot her in the head.

Raven screamed at 6:53 PM

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Waiting 

April's appointment was for four hours. It was during that time that Benny came to me to discuss our only real options for getting the money to run. He would set up a couple of high end clients for me, and we would keep the money. Half would go towards running now, the other half would bank roll Benny setting up a profitable trade in crank, acid, and weed. He said these were relatively low risk high gain products, and should keep me from having to work anymore. i don't think either of us really believed that lie, but we told it to ourselves. And, privately i thought Benny would at least make a much kinder pimp.It was too bad i couldn't go to Mr. Catlette, the money from one trip to his house would have financed everything. But, that was absolutely out of the question, so Benny started working the phone, making discreet inquires about who might like a date with me. Someone with a lot of cash. i was still sick. After our talk i went back to lay in the bathroom floor. And, that was where i still lay, when John carried April in the back basement door, covered in blood.

Raven screamed at 6:52 PM

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Wednesday, July 13, 2005

The Replacement 

The following weekend was time again for me to visit Mr. Catlette. He had been out of town for six weeks and i had not missed him. i worried about the baby's ability to cling to life through a session with him. Not only did he beat me, he shoved things into me that would definitely harm the baby. i couldn't risk it.i worried until i literally got sick. And, then i appealed to Benny. Who appealed to John. John came and stood over me retching and dry heaving. He cursed a bit and i thought he might kick me, so i huddled into a tight ball. But, instead he shocked me by leaning down and stroking my hair."Well, you don't look very fuckable doing that. Dammit. I'll call him. But, if I find out you are doing this to get out of going, I swear to god, you are going to regret it. For the rest of your miserable life."Then he stroked my hair again. He offered me a Daddy's Little Helper, which i took and spit out the second he walked out of the bathroom. i strained my ears and heard him on the phone. my stomach dropped when i heard him offer April. Knowing i had planted that idea in his head. i placed my hand over my tummy and rubbed my growing child. i said a small prayer for April and laid my head against the toilet's side.i didn't want to have to send April there. It was all my fault. But, what else could i do? That evening when she was getting ready to leave, she kissed my pallid cheek. She told me not to worry. And, those were the last words she ever said to me.

Raven screamed at 6:48 PM

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Tuesday, July 12, 2005

The Talk 

About two weeks after i realized i was pregnant, i decided i had to talk to Benny. He was the only person who might help me. Finding the right time was hard. i stalled another two weeks, hoping to find a day when i hadn't worked to discuss it with him. i thought he might feel more tender towards me if i hadn't just washed away the sweat of pleasuring another man.Finally, though, i knew i couldn't wait any longer. Soon John's keen eye would fall on me, and he would know. And, that would be the end of my child. So, i spent an extra long time in the shower that night. And, i dried my long hair and arranged it in the way i knew he liked. Then slid the long white nightgown on. The one he had bought me. The one i supposed he liked because it didn't look like the garment of a whore.i lay close to him, feeling him stroke my hip gently, and talk about a card game he had played while i was at home at my mother's and father's trying to cope with Jackson. i could hear his voice getting sleepy. He probably hadn't slept in days. Crank will do that too a person. i knew my chance was dwindling.So, i took the hand stroking my hip and laid it on my belly."Billy, i think i am having your baby. And i want it. i want your child. Don't you want your child to live?""Oh fuck. Oh, man, baby. How far along are you?"i told him i didn't know. i told him lots of things, and continued to press his hand against my child. Telling him it was his child. i without out shame manipulated him. And, then my baby decided to help me, but moving exactly when i had pressed Benny's hand tight against him. And, he felt the baby move.We decided we would have to run.
But, first we needed money.

Raven screamed at 6:47 PM

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Monday, July 11, 2005

Hiding 

i was always irregular. Never knew when my visit from Auntie Rose would show up. John kept a careful record of every girl in the house, and knew when they would have their period. But, since i didn't live in the house, it was up to me to keep track. The first three months i missed, didn't really bother me. i often missed that long. By the fourth month, i was a little nervous, but still didn't panic. It wasn't until the fifth month, when i felt the baby move, that i knew i had a problem.In this case, malnourishment was my friend. i could see the tiny bulge, but that was only because i was looking very very closely. No one else saw it. Fear consumed me. i knew i would never be allowed to have, or keep the baby. None of Edward's clients would be interested in a girl waddling with advanced pregnancy. And, my parents would know. And, endless problems.And, yet. When i placed my palm flat over the tiny bulge of my growing child, i had to smile. Here was someone that would be totally mine. Someone who would love me, and that i could love without reservation. i wanted my baby. Whatever it took, i wanted my baby. So i would have to hide it, until i could figure out what to do.

Raven screamed at 6:46 PM

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Friday, July 08, 2005

Missed Post 

So... Sunday is a hard day for me to post. i may have to move the Sunday posts to Saturdays. Because on Sundays i get to see and be with my daughter, usually most of the day. And, since the other day i see her is only for about 5 hours, i really like to dedicate my Sundays to her. So, i'm sorry we missed Sunday this week, i like those posts, but trust me, time with my darling baby makes me feel even better. So let's just go on.

Raven screamed at 6:46 PM

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A Budding Relationship 

The most likely father was Benny. For Benny and i had moved into some sort of relationship. Most nights when i was in residence at Edward's i spent in Benny's bed. It was there that i discovered that sex could be pleasant, although i never quite reached orgasm with him. Probably because i was tense and frightened all the time.Benny liked me because i saw the good in him. He liked the reflection of himself he saw in my eyes. He also liked the sweetness i maintained when most of the other girls turned very hard very quickly. And, to be brutally honest, he liked my body that looked more like a woman's and allowed him to forget i was a child. Looking back, i think Benny, being much too soft hearted for the job he was stuck with, liked me because i was already so thoroughly broken and required none of the things that made him so miserable and uncomfortable about his job. Eventually i would shock us both, but that was far far in the future.For my part, i liked Benny because he had that softness. When held next to most of the men in my life up to that point his reluctance seemed miraculous. (That kind of makes me feel like screaming. The best man in my life was the one who at least felt bad about being a child abusing vulture. *sigh*) He treated me tenderly and touched me softly. He touched me in ways that were just pleasant, like back rubs and soft kisses. He protected me from John and Jackson and did what he could for me when it came to rough clients. He held me and let me cry. And, best of all... he thought i was more than a cunt. And, that really was the basis of our relationship. i thought he was not a monster. He thought i was more than a cunt. i'm not sure if it was love, but it was the closest thing to it either of us had. Our relationship eventually went beyond the favoritism that was allowed. It became the kind of relationship that screwed up Edward's sort of business. It became something almost good.

Raven screamed at 6:45 PM

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Thursday, July 07, 2005

John's Jollies 

John felt horribly sorry for me, which made me unattractive to him. Worse than that, he liked me. i didn't know any of this at the time, but i did know he almost never fucked me. At the time, i rather assumed it was my much bemoaned tits and ass that put him off. But, eventually i learned it was that under normal circumstances he had no desire to hurt me. Most days John used one of two girls. Lindy who liked the pain and was thus John's favorite. Or Kayla whom he loathed for no reason i ever found out. It was scary to see and i was always glad when John retired to the back room of the basement with his choice. i couldn't help Kayla or understand Lindy (something that has changed a great deal over the years, i understand Lindy just fine now) and their agonized screams and contorted faces frightened me.When he punished me, he always fucked me. John couldn't inflict pain without wanting to fuck. But, as i have said before, i was not punished all that often. Benny most always took care of any minor infraction i committed and his idea of punishing me was a stern lecture and less than a dozen strokes of his hand on my hiney. But, it worked on me and i would always try to do better. Both John and Benny thought i could easily be controled by Benny's softer touch. And, since they both liked me that was what generally happened.Except of course for a few stand out times like the one we explored last week.

Raven screamed at 6:45 PM

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Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Faces of Edward 

At that point in my life, every one of my clients were required to use a condom. Jackson usually used one as well, against pregnancy. Edward used one too, most of the time. Sex with him wasn't about intimacy. It was usually a test, a reminder, or a lesson. But, there were those occasional times. Every so often he would come into the basement and look at around at the girls available. If the one he took a shine to at the time was "clean," he would take her back upstairs with him. And, then that girl would be invited into a new part of the house. The part where Edward and his family lived.Edward had a wife he doted on and a daughter he adored. From time to time his wife would play a hand in the lives of the girls from the basement. But, the daughter was almost never seen. She was about a year younger than me. Rather plain, and i know that Edward's trained eye must have seen that. Was probably glad of it. Beautiful girls and even just pretty girls like me, were in much greater danger. He knew intimately the horrors that waited young girls. He was one of those horrors.During these visits, we would be taken into Edward and Marna's bedroom. And, there we would act as a toy for the married couple to play with. Sometimes it was nice and easy with mere prep work our job. A licking there, a blowjob here, and sit back out of the way while they fucked. Often it was painful, Marna had a mean streak. And occasionally it was pleasurable, because Edward had a soft spot.Edward never wore a rubber during these times. And afterwards, the girl got some sort of treat. For me it was usually a nice meal and a good high. i looked forward to being chosen. And, as the only girl in the house who looked much like a woman, i got chosen with a decent frequency. Edward wasn't really a pedophile... he just knew it was profitable to service them.

Raven screamed at 6:45 PM

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Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Matthew's Song 

The next story may take a while to tell. i don't know how long it will take. i only know that i want to do justice to the people involved. The innocent baby who didn't deserve to die, the young man who did the best he could to save him, and the little girl who felt her baby being ripped from her. my son haunts me. He didn't want to die. i have no wish to be rid of Matthew. i want him to stay with me always. But, perhaps if i could rest a bit easier about it, so could he. Its worth a shot.

Raven screamed at 6:44 PM

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Monday, July 04, 2005

Independance Day 

In honor of independence Day, i took yesterday off, and am doing my Sunday post today. About an independence day.
The day that my mother got the call from social services she was getting ready for work. my mother always wore high heels and dressy suits to work. And, when i saw her pull up out front, flying like a bat out of hell i backed away from the screen door. She jumped out of the car, curlers still in her hair and charged to the porch squalling like a banshee."YOU FUCKING BASTARD!!! I'LL KILL YOU YOU OLD FUCK!!!"i hesitated. i had had the worst weekend. Most of it spent in the basement. i was unsurprised by her fury... i had seen plenty of that since the lady had been to see us on Friday, but what shocked me, was that it didn't seem directed at me.And, then i heard something truly shocking. my grandfather slid out the backdoor. Snuck out. Could he be afraid of my mother? It was like another universe.And, then she kicked the front door open. i was so sure that she was angry with me that i dropped to my knees and curled into a ball, trying to protect my face. She made a strangled cry of distress, and scooped me into her arms. She hugged me fiercely and kissed my face.Turning on her heel, she marched out of the house. And, she patted my back. And, smoothed my hair."He will never touch you again, baby. Not ever. Never. You are safe. I don't know how it will all work yet. Mama has a lot of problems, but it will work. We'll make it work. He will never touch you again."
And, i was free of him. Just like that. He never touched me again.

Raven screamed at 6:43 PM

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Friday, July 01, 2005

Glimpsing John's Demon 

i am going to spare you guys the gory details. i wrote them out, but, i am not going to torture you all with them. The cliffnotes version is:my tongue got me in trouble so for a long while that was the focus of John's ire. Having your tongue electrocuted is not a recommended way to spend an evening. Then the plier and shocks were applied to the rest of my pink bits and before he was done i had lost control of my bladder and screamed until my voice was only a croak.Then i hung limp and exhausted while he fucked my ass which was still bleeding from Mr. Catlette's attentions. i was beyond caring. Some detached part of me did note that he was speaking. i could barely understand him through his sobs, but focusing all of my attention, i made out his words at last."There, Mama, there you fucking bitch. There!"

Raven screamed at 6:42 PM

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