Thursday, September 28, 2006

3 am 

"I love you."
"i don't do that."
"I'm paying you. You do what i want."
"i don't say that. Didn't John tell you?"
"Yeah, but I want you to say it."
"No."
my arm was wrenched up painfully behind my back.
"Say it."
"No."
Harder.
"No."
Harder.
"Say it."
"No."
Harder.
"Say it."
"No."
It broke.

Flashback i had last night at 3 am.

Raven screamed at 2:31 PM

 4 comments

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

8 Secrets 

i got this from Lili who got it from Watcher. These are two of my most favorite ladies, so of course i thought i'd give it a try. Memes ususally end up on Always His... but somehow this one seemed more appropriate here.

1) Things that remind me of my grandfather turn me on to the extreme and then leave me feeling disgusted and ashamed.

2) i have had orgasms at really embarrassing and inappropriate times in my life, i think due to stress and that i super-kegal when i'm upset. For example, when being questioned by the police, during labor, and being checked into the mental hospital for the first time.

3) i kegal pretty much constantly. Its a nervous habit.

4) i first cut at age four. It was after the first time i ever got in trouble at preschool. i felt like my whole world had crashed down on me. i had to find a way to stand it. The cutting helped. i wish i had found something else.

5) i used to fuck JH for cigarettes.

6) i have to wax my eyebrows often or i grow a unibrow. *sigh*

7) i continued to talk to Tommy for a long time after "the incident." J and i almost didn't get back together because of him. i knew it was wrong, but something broken inside me craved it.

8) my secrets are embarrassing. i spent a long time considering not publishing this list.

Raven screamed at 8:05 PM

 10 comments

Friday, September 22, 2006

Registering Facts 

Down the steps at a leisurely stroll, he eventually enters the little girl's line of vision. Her head snaps up as she sees the bottle clutched in his hand. Red and gold foil announce that its Old Milwaukee. The cap of bunched metal sits snugly fastened to the top, creating a sharp edge.
The little girl's eyes flick to the cooler filled with ice and beer hours earlier and back to the beer in his hand with no signs of being cold or even cool. The glass is dry, dusty even.
The little girl registers all of this and the little girl begins to scream.

Raven screamed at 9:42 PM

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Monday, September 18, 2006

Gone Backwards 

We go back...

There is a little girl down in the earth. She screams into the night but stony silence meets her cries. Worn out, she falls into an uneasy slumber, constantly interrupted by her bonds and the vermin that crawls on her. Roaches are whisked away with panicky hands and inquisitive rodents kicked with bare feet.
Full dark now, all is silent but for the scurry of small animals and the whisper of bugs. At the top of the stairs the hinges scream their alarm as door is wrenched open.

i needed distance for this. The whole week will be written at a distance. If i get too close, it bites me.

Raven screamed at 8:20 PM

 2 comments

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Blocked 

i am having severe writer's block. First it cut down to a trickle as you can see by my last few posts. Then it just stopped coming. Nothing. i can't seem to tell you how it was. How i loved Benny and i waited on him to change his mind. How angry John still was and how bad the clients got. i want to, but i can't get it to come.
i'm working on it.

Raven screamed at 1:55 PM

 9 comments

Friday, September 08, 2006

"Couldn't" 

We got back to town and i went home to my parents house and slept in my own bed. i hugged my nieces and nephews and watched my mother and father with greedy eyes. i drank more than ever and started defying Jackson on a regular basis, no longer caring how badly he beat me.
Then i went back to Edward's and worked. It was just as bad as before, the clients horrible, the rules stringent, the pressure unbearable. And, so again i asked Benny to take me away. And, this time, he flat out told me he "couldn't." He couldn't leave his drug connections. He chose his drugs over me.

Raven screamed at 7:31 PM

 4 comments

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Escape One 

When Benny and Edward arrived to buy me back i was ecstatic to see Benny and dejected to see Edward. i had gained a good amount of weight and he eyed me critically. But there was no denying that my hair and skin looked 500 times better and so he paid Sugar's fee for "repairs."
Crying i kissed Sugar goodbye. He whispered that if i ever needed a home i had one. Mandi kissed me goodbye as well and told me i was a good girl.
And, so i left behind forever the man who may have locked me forever into the life.

Raven screamed at 7:07 PM

 2 comments

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Well Behaved 

During the three weeks of negotiations it took before i saw anyone of my normal house again, i gained weight, got stronger, and serviced easy clients. I spent every night that wasn't spent with an over night client in Sugar's bed and i figured out how some pimps get their girls to start work and to stay. He made me feel special and cared about. Even though i always knew logically that it was bullshit, i still felt it.
I learned that Sugar bought all of his girls from the warehouse. Girls that felt lucky to be with him, girls that worshiped him would work better. I did. I tried as hard for Sugar as i did for John and it wasn't fear that motivated me. It was gratitude, respect, something.
Sugar didn't discipline the girls in his house. His head girl did, or she appointed one of the other girls to do it. But, discipline wasn't needed that often. I saw one girl get whipped and another punched in the face while i was there, and that was it. I myself never so much as received a harsh word. The head girl explained to me on the first day that if Sugar had to “dirty his hands with me” that i would be immediately sold back to the warehouse.
No wonder his girls were so well behaved.

Raven screamed at 11:39 PM

 4 comments

Monday, September 04, 2006

Sugar 

i awoke at the feet of a big black man. He was dressed very much like you picture a pimp off of TV to dress. A purple suit and a white satin shirt. He seemed somehow familiar.
“Girl, what are you doing here, falling out naked in the streets? Somebody gonna eat you for a snack.”
To my horror i heard myself laughing at him. i couldn't help it. i figured i'd come about as close to a snack as i could get.
He looked me over close. Nodded to himself and sighed.
“You done slipped away from that warehouse aint you?”
And, now i was scared. He'd take me back. They'd just move me to sixth. i was terrified and i crawled to his feet and began to beg the man for my life. i didn't touch him, i knew that was a mistake, i just got close enough to kick, showing trust, and begged in the most broken craven humiliating way possible.
And he softened. And, he saved me. He offered me a place in his stable. i nearly accepted, i would have fit there. He wanted to fatten me up and use my breasts and hips as advantages. In house work. Sugar looked at me and saw potential. But, in the end when he said if Edward would buy me back from him, he'd let me go... i decided to do it. i wanted to see my family again. i wanted to
go back to my double life. And, i think some part of me had already decided to run. i wouldn't have run from Sugar.

Raven screamed at 8:00 PM

 4 comments

Saturday, September 02, 2006

It Took All Day... 

But, i finally found an article that admitted to the existance of snuff films. You can find it here http://www.tranquileye.com/historyofporn/snuff.html . What bugs me is the assumption that this can't happen in North America. Why is it that every horror has to happen overseas? i get so fed up.

Here is the truth. There is a whole host of little girls and boys right here in this country who have no value to the people controling them. There is a price tag on their little bodies and for the right amount of money they can be taken off and whatever in the world desired done with them. And no one cares.

Its not somewhere else. Its not someone else's problem. Its right here. And, our lawmakers are blind.

Raven screamed at 9:48 AM

 5 comments

Friday, September 01, 2006

And someone to take her place. 

i wanted to post this yesterday but blogger was bitchy. So i'm rolling back the clock because there is something else i want to post today.

Butchered, hung, burned alive. Jerked loose her bonds during the break and ran away, leaving the two remaining girls to die like dogs.

And someone to take her place.


Once i was freed of the building and running proper, the chains at my ankles scraping the sidewalk, (Oh, thank god! There's two, not one. Sometimes that phrase will get stuck in my head and i can't get it out.) i began to worry about being in the city in the middle of the night, naked, shackled, weak. But that night, miraculously no one bothered me. In fact, after about 12 blocks i could run no farther. Panic was a desperate motivator, but it had carried me as far as it could.
And to my terror i was in the ally right off the stroll i would have been working if i had been sold into this city. Of course they would look for me here. Would the movie be over? Would they simply shoot me in the head? That would be fine, but not... Oh God!
A man was approached me. And, i fainted dead away, too big of a coward to face it at all.

Raven screamed at 9:12 PM

 2 comments