Okay, i prepared this, in answer to the outcry i have received about this part of my history. So, i've gotten a lot of comments and email and IMs about how April's horror was not my fault. i don't know if i believe that, or if i will ever accept it. i believe John was right, and i did have a piece in this. i planted the idea of sending her, i gave her no warning, and she was sent in my place. There is definitely a piece of the big blame pie for me. But, sadly, that doesn't help her.i know April didn't blame me. With her big expressive eyes and sweet body she told me she held no ill will. And, she cried for me when i lost Matthew. She was probably one of the most forgiving people i have ever known. Of course, John kept her perpetually stoned out of her mind for the rest of her days. And i was glad. i always knew if the fog cleared from her eyes, i would see hatred there. But then, anylady said this: I'm just going to reiterate here...SO NOT YOUR FAULT! John tried to pass the blame onto you but in reality it wasn't even HIS fault...it is Mr. Catlette's fault. As for how this affected you though, this is a classic case of blaming the victim...and here you are buying into it. This type of emotional abuse is much more subtle than his beatings, but it is still there. John tried to make you feel responsible for this horror that you were much too young to have to witness, much less fear enduring yourself. And he is trying to make you feel guilty for not wanting to be that person, that victim? What is to say you wouldn't have ended up the same way? You are supposed to feel guilty for avoiding such a fate? You liberated yourself from the situation from stubbornness or strength...or both...please be strong and recognize this as another situation that you genuinely did not control. There are so many whatifs to what happened to April...so many things that the adults in the situation could have done differently to prevent this atrocity. There is nothing you could do. You couldn't go to take the beating yourself even if you had wanted to...you were sick...but even if you had, there is no telling if you would have ended up any different than April did. It could have just been a really bad night for Mr. Catlette too. He sounds like a demon. You are so fortunate to have survived multiple encounters with this monster.I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I am glad you are getting it out in the open though. You are very brave to confront this past. And, now i am questioning and thinking. The tough love approach works on me i suppose. i always was a sucker for strong words. i always cave. But, this time maybe thats a good thing. i'm still not sure. But, when put that way... i do feel a little dumb. So, will be searching my soul on this a bit.
