Well, fuck me till i cry. i have been doing so well since i started this blog. It has helped me so much. But, i suppose it cannot be a miracle cure. Today i have been a total flake. i had three major flashbacks last night and this morning. It left me depressed and feeling helpless and hopeless about the future. So, we are gonna skip Granddaddy for awhile and try to unravel what the hell is going on with me. Here is the first flashback.
i am in the back basement room of Edward's. Kayla dangles. Her long blonde hair is hanging in her face, and it doesn't ripple with breath. i fear she is dead. i try to move towards her but pain knifes along my side. i look down at myself and don't see any blood. Touching gingerly, i feel grotesque swelling and know i am a mass of bruises. i figure nothing is broken so i steel myself against the pain and crawl towards her. Getting up seems beyond me, so i reach up and touch her bare foot. It is cold. Just as i begin to try to accept that she is gone, she moans slightly. i force myself up against the pain. i gather the hair out of her face, my hands shaking and clumsy. She is there. Not gone to the place we all knew existed. But horribly there, still. i lean close to her. This question must not be overheard. For both of our sakes. "What did John do to you? Can i help?" Her whisper is broken. i can barely make it out. "Not John." i am shocked. Benny did this? This is beyond Benny. Whatever has been done to Kayla is horrible. i can tell. "Benny?" i ask. my shock clear in my trembling whisper. She shakes her head slowly. Looking as though she would rather go through it all again than tell me. i think she won't. But, she does. With no hate or contempt. But, with pity, she whispers my damnation. "You."
