So, i can't put this off any longer. Its eating me alive. So here it is. The memory of what J learned. i don't know if i'll be here tomorrow sorting this out. i may take the day off. i don't know.
i am about 4 or 5 years old. i am in my bed and Daddy is sitting on the side of it. He is telling me a story. He often tells me stories. This time its The Three Little Pigs. i listen with rapt attention and help him huff and puff in the appropriate places. my heart feels so filled with love and contentment that i will burst. i want to stay here with him forever. i never want to go back to my Granddaddy. i sit up and put my tiny hand on his crotch. "Daddy, i'm good at being a good girl. If you want to love me, you'll like it. You could let me stay here and i'd be so good. Your cock will be happy forever." He stared at me for a moment. Completely frozen. And, my heart soared, i knew he was going to accept. And, yes that stuff hurt, but i knew Daddy wouldn't lock me in the basement, or drown me, or play reindeer games. It seemed like a wonderful trade. i gave his crotch an encouraging stroke and suddenly he came to life again. He threw my hand off of him and jumped off the bed. He looked down at me in complete horror. "No. Don't ever touch me there again. I'll never love you. Never. That's a promise. And, you'll never be a good girl for me. Never. No." Finally he nearly sobbed and he burst from the room, slamming the door shut behind him. i sat in stunned silence. i couldn't understand why my proposition had failed. Was Granddaddy right? Daddy hated me?
This happened before the Tuesday post. Which i think better explains his reaction then. What bugs me is that Daddy so obviously understood the terminology i was using and what it meant. How? And, of course the fact that Granddaddy had already turned me into a little whore who would trade sex for what she wanted at that age bugs me too. But, there it is. The new thing that's been driving me nuts. Its just so fucked i can't even begin to wrap my mind around it and all of its implications.
