So, why didn't i just go to my mother. She obviously would have been the person to tell. my Independance Day post taught us that much. But, at the time i didn't know that. i didn't know my mother at all.
my mother was 32 years old when she realized she must have cancer. She decided quite willfully not to do anything about it, because she wanted to die. Her marriage was falling apart. She had a mental illness she didn't understand and always felt as though she were being chased. She couldn't take it anymore and decided that this was a blessing.
Except it wasn't cancer. It was a baby. She had taken cortizone shots for her back, various physch meds, and birth control pills through out the pregnancy. The doctors recommended that she abort the baby because it was likely to be severly disformed. The decision was all but made to do that, when an ultrasound was ordered to see how far along the baby was, so that it could be determined what type of medical procedure was needed. And, low and behold the baby was not disformed. Not only that, it was a boy! Here was the little boy prayed for so long, sent to save her marriage and her life.
But, then, i was born. And, sadly, i do not have a dick. The cord was between my legs and ultrasounds in 1976 just werent that impressive. So... here i am.
Mama just couldn't cope. She was already extremely fragile, and this was just more than she could stand. She had a complete break with reality. To make a long story short i was sent to live with my grandparents because she couldn't bear to look at me.
Mama was lost in her own private hell for years after that. Actually, turned out the problem was largely hormonal because she didn't really begin to recover until her hysterectomy 13 years later. At that point we began a relationship that was very close by the time cancer finally did get her when i was 22.
In short i didn't go to her because she was for some odd reason afraid of me when i was a little girl. She loved me but couldn't really bear to deal with me. Her guilt for not seeing things with Granddaddy just made that worse. i never went to her about any problem in my entire life. But, she tried. And, i loved her flaws and all.
