Well, that was a rather long and unannounced break, huh? i desperately needed to get some distance. This blog helps me, but every so often it feels like it is about to eat me up. i got extremely wrapped up in old hatred and bitterness and i just had to get away from it before i ended up in the cemetary with a shovel. The urge has passed mostly, and now i'm feeling much more centered.
On Tuesday i went to a conference in that city an hour away where Edward lived. It was held in a nice hotel, but the moment i got there i got sick at the stomach. Before the conference was over i had a panic attack and had to flee to the bathroom and hide. i remained sick for the rest of the evening. i didn't grasp the connection until J practically rolled his eyes at me and said, "You must have WORKED there, for heaven's sake."
i am sick and fucking tired of how this all still affects (effects, whatever) my life. This blog is helping, but not fast enough to suit me. i know its not going to happen soon, but dammit i SOOO want it to. I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK. Or for the first time. Or fucking something.
At any rate, i'll be back at it on Monday. i will get the fuckers out of my head. I WILL.
