i'm getting better i think. i've had a nice drug assisted vacation. Valium is truly a beautiful thing, superseded only by marijuana. With their help, i can make the screaming stop for a while. Or at least ignore it.
i truly hate my weak willed inability to get the fuck over it. What good does it do to survive it if i will never be free of it? i'm tired of worrying that i contaminate my children, that my husband would become a joke if more people knew. There is nothing in my life it doesn't touch. And, i'm so fucking sick of it. Why can't i just put it behind me and move on? i've had several good friends of mine ask me things of this nature. And, i have no answer for them. i don't know. It won't go.
A couple of people have asked me if this blog doesn't make it worse. And, no, i didn't miss that i tried to enter the basement again and i went nuts. But, what those people don't get is that this shit is always there. If i don't write about it, it doesn't mean it isn't there. It just circles and cycles and suddenly the sounds of the house settling at night is John in my living room ready to make me watch him go to work on my daughter, which is the worst thing i can imagine. It almost makes me glad she doesn't live here.
*sigh* i'm meandering again aren't i? The bottom line is... i didn't get hauled off to the boobyhatch this time. i'm working on it, and i'm not going away. i'll be back tomorrow.
