i don't know how. i don't know how to find a story to tell about down there. i don't know how much longer i can take this feeling of suffacation and clausterphobia. i don't know what to do. How do i climb back out of the pit of total insanity this time? Yes, i know its nuts. That doesn't make me able to breath any better or silence the screaming in my head. It doesn't take away the need to slash and cut and bleed and know for a little while its over with. That is the draw of cutting for me. While my blood still flows for a little while i get that feeling of perfect peace i used to get when someone had just finished with me. Its over now. And, i can rest. i'd give most anything for it to be over now for a little while. The dread of waiting was always hard. Often harder than the actual surviving. And, now all i do is wait.
i don't know what i'm going to do. i don't know how i'll blog it, if i can blog it, and if i don't how i'll deal with this. i don't begin to know. So right now i'm just trying to come here and write out my thoughts and feelings. Maybe they are too yucky for folks to read. And, that's fine. Don't read them, but don't tell me not to have them. i've never ever deleted a single comment on this blog. But, i will delete people who try to silence me. So just don't do it.
