This post started out as a comment in response to Lili's comment yesterday. She said "Listen Darlin', I'm going to say something completely against what everyone else will tell you - there is no hand, there never will be a hand, the only hand that will help you up and out is your own. And when your hand is ready, it'll reach down and pull you up.
I don't pamper you because you know there's no real support in treating you like a baby because you're stronger than that, you're beyond it."
*sigh* You're right Lili. i suppose i knew that. Hell, i know i did, i always have. i guess i just, get tired and whiney, and pissy and just sick to death of the whole fucking thing, and i like to think someone can make it all go away.
i know that's not true. If you want something you have to get it on your own, and you can only depend on yourself. i know these things, and yet i always still... try to dodge that responsibility. i don't know why.
i guess its easier to sit around and cry about help than to face myself and my shit and just get on with it. i'm terrified of doing that, and suddenly J won't do it anymore (he shouldn't have to) and i am trying to learn to stand on my own two feet for the first time.
i don't know what the hell i am doing, or how to do it, or what i even want to do. If i'm not J's slave or Edward's whore or Jackson's bitch or in short someone's cunt... i have no idea who or what i am.
And, i'm afraid of what i'll find when i keep looking. i'm afraid if i wipe all that away, everything that is a reflection of someone else... there will be nothing. That all there will be is a shell and i won't know how to fill it up.
Do you remember when we talked about Jamie on your page, back when i still thought of him as Rooster? i asked you if you thought he was empty. And, you said no, just differently filled.
It makes me wonder. What if all my filling is stupid bullshit that isn't true, or doesn't mean anything? What will i do then? Can i put anything else in there? Aren't i little beyond building my core? Too late.
