So, technically, this shouldn't be here. This is supposed to be the story of my life before J. But, this is kind of my life without J. We broke up in 1996 for about three months when i called off our wedding 6 days before it was to take place. (Men are so touchy!) Not shockingly, he was a bit pissed and kicked my ass to the curb. i moved in with Vanessa and her ex husband who partied constantly and tried to "get high enough that i can forget his name even for a second." To say i was devastated is a huge understatement. Although i had done it to myself, that didn't make it any less painful. i was 19 years old, i just wasn't ready to get married. i was scared. Scared i didn't deserve him. Scared that i wouldn't be allowed to get married. Scared of throwing away the necklace. Scared of so many things. Just scared. i chickened out and then i was so heart broken. Life without J was not worth living. i stayed stoned out of my mind perpetually. i got drunk every single solitary day. i snorted enough coke that my nose bled constantly. Every chance i got i chased me some colors. And, as always my happy little friends soothed my heart. i took enough pills to float a battleship.
When that wasn't enough i went back to what i knew. i started fucking all the guys around me. i felt like i owed it to them. If a guy wanted to use me, i didn't belong to anybody anymore, and that's what i was good for, so i gave it to them. i was with a different guy most every night, but the same guy a few times. None of them meant anything to me or me to any of them. i was still desperately in love with J, and the sex was just part of who i am.
i had a good friend during this time, Tommy. We slept together a couple of times, but we never let that affect our friendship. i always got up and went home as soon as we were done fucking with a casual see you later that let both of us know that the sex meant zero. He had just broken up with a girlfriend that he was pretty broken up over as well. We spent hours at the river getting drunk and stoned and talking about J and his ex.
As what should have been my wedding night approached Tommy promised me something special to take my mind off of it. He'd be my buddy. We'd do something.
