As soon as the door closed she hurried across the room and took me with her, dragging me by the hand. “Never cry here. Never. Bite your lip and be still. You’ll get used to things, you really will. Shshsh, be quiet.” I got another tenuous hold on myself and sat on the foot of my bed picking at the tassels on the bedspread. “I’m sorry. I just… can’t seem to keep myself in check.” “The first few days are the hardest. It gets easier (in this Kayla proved to be wrong) if you just learn the rules and follow them as close as you can. And, for god’s sake stay on John’s good side. Its painful when you’re not.” She turned and pulled up her nightie. Marring the creamy flesh were angry red welts, a few crusted black with blood. I had to look away. She turned back to me and whispered, “Don’t let him hate you too. Be quiet, be good.” I nodded. And, from that time started learning to choke back my own sobs and swallow my pain and fear. Silence and masks were the only friends a working girl had.
The girl told me again that her name was Kayla. She asked me not to believe the nasty things John might tell me about her. “He hates me. I don’t know why he hates me, but he does. Ask anyone.” I assured her that I didn’t think anything bad of her. It seemed important to her. I couldn’t imagine what the slight girl with the pretty sunbeam hair could have done to make the towering giant hate her, but it actually put her in my good books. I was fearful of crossing John but Kayla had such a way about her that I felt rebellious. Maybe that’s part of why he hated her. We got to the room I would share with her, and she opened the door. The room had two twin beds with sweet pink canopies on them. It looked like something out of a teen magazine. There were vanities on either side of beds. Kayla’s was decorated and looked sweet. Cutouts of movie stars, scraps of paper with doodles on them, and pictures of her with other girls were tucked into the sides of the mirror. There was a small chest of drawers, one that come up to about my waist, between the beds and on that sat an enormous bowl of Andes Mints. At that sight, my stomach gave a lurch and reminded just how long it had been since I had eaten. Once again, I started to cry. “Shhh!” Kayla whispered and hurried to shut the door.
The tears had indeed made John worse. The second time, was, unbelievably, even worse than the first. Afterwards I lay in a tear stained heap on the cold cement floor of the back basement room. Benny stuck his head in the door and exclaimed at the dime sized drops of blood on the floor. He came across the room at a trot, his eyes big with concern. After a quick scan of my face, he scanned my body. “Where?” I moaned with humiliation but didn’t answer him. I was too embarrassed. He checked for himself and stood up with a grim face. His voice was clipped when he told me to go across to the back of the room and take a shower. I eyed him fearfully and hurried to obey. The back shower was kind of scary. It wobbled and had no support. The floor was stained . But, the water was hot and there was good shampoo and conditioner in there. I was more or less happily scrubbing away when the door across the room opened. The girl Benny had been beating the night before walked across the room towards me. I felt shy being naked in front of her, but I made no ridiculous movements to cover up. Instead I asked if she needed me. She said that she was there to show me my room. Since I figured that beat the hell out of staying in the basement, I hurried up and rinsed my hair. She handed me a couple of towels and I wrapped up my hair and dried off as quickly as I could, finally wiggling back into the nightie half wet. When I followed her out of the back basement room, only Ricky and a couple of girls were in the main rec room.
I went down the steps in the nightie Edward had given me the night before. It felt strange to walk around a house full of men in such a state of undress. I had done what I could with hairbrush and plain water to remedy my appearance, but I still looked well bedded. I was ashamed, already. Benny smiled at my reluctance to leave the safety of his room after I returned from the bathroom. He asked if I was afraid or shy. I whispered that I was both. “Just pretend that you are fully dressed. In your mind envision yourself in whatever makes you feel most confident. Don’t think about it. You’ll get used to it. I promise.” So I found myself at the foot of the stairs in the basement of the night before. There was no one in the first room. Benny strode across the floor wearing only tattered jeans and drug me behind him, pulling me with no effort whatsoever. John was shooting pool with a man I hadn’t yet been introduced to. That’s when I really began to accept my fate. It was a new day. This wasn’t a nightmare. And, I knew damn well, that I’d do anything these three men wanted. I didn’t want to see that sickening smile on John’s face. I didn’t want to be taught a lesson. I was simply fucked. In more ways than one. The newcomer turned immediately and handed the poolstick to Benny. He wiped nervously at his mouth. “How much?” was all he croaked. It hit me like a sledgehammer and the tears welled in my eyes. I bit down hard on my lip though and held them back. I was not supposed to cry in front of John. I ran through my mental list of rules. Keep your mouth shut, obey, loose weight, don’t fail. I added don’t cry in front of John. Benny was shaking his head. I didn’t understand what it meant but I took it as a plea to be good. So I’d be good. I leaned over the card table for the man and although it was extremely painful as dry and unprepared as I was, I got through it. I did cry though, I couldn’t help it. I found being a whore most disagreeable. The very idea of it made me hot with shame. Afterwards, they introduced me to Ricky. One of the runners, and not really a client. I felt foolish and regretted my tears even more.
The next morning brought a knock at the door and John’s head popped in the door. “Bring the kid downstairs, Benny. Let’s name her and fuck her some more. She cries pretty.” I felt the man next to me stiffen and the intimacy we had found the night before was shattered. I didn’t really know him, and I had come upon him beating a girl in the same position as myself. I thought I’d do well to remember that. He tucked my hair behind my ear and sighed. “You really shouldn’t let John see you cry if you can help it. It only makes him worse. Do you want something to take the edge off? I have valium or xanex or weed up here. Take your pick.” I recognized the valium as the little pills John had given me the night before and I selected those. Benny decided to roll a joint as well. He tipped me a little wink as he sat at his desk shredding and arranging leaves. “Don’t worry, honey, its not all bad. I’ll make your life as pleasant as I can if you just be sweet to me. Do you want to be sweet to me?” Sensing an opportunity, I rolled out of bed and crawled to him on all fours. I let my hair tickle his thighs as he was rolling.
Some time later the door burst in and John griped, “Dammit, you’ve had her all night. You have to share! When you are done this time I’m taking my turn. I’ll take it in your damn bed if you don’t give her over.” Benny laughed. “Shut the door, you asshole, my bare ass is shining for the world to see.” “You shy, pretty boy?” “Fuck. Off.” “Okay, okay… but I’m taking your joint. You’d better hurry up if you want any of it.”
