I had to think about that one. Finally I shrugged and gave him the best answer I could come up with. "I don't care enough about dying to face going home without the money. I don't know what I want. What difference does it make anyway?" Instead of answering me (I hadn't expected him to) he nodded. "Take off your shirt." I did. "Now. What did Grandaddy call you?" I turned my face away. This one hurt. How did they always find the places that still hurt? There was genuine glee in his voice when he said, "Come now, little Raven, surely you've been a whore long enough to know all men are beasts. If you don't give me your pain willingly, I'll take it from you." I sighed again, and closed my eyes. He was right. I'd been a whore in one way or another all my life, and I certainly knew what beasts men could be. I gave him my pain willingly. "He called me cunt." He cackled with delight. "And that hurts you still doesn't it?" "Yes." "Take off your skirt." I stood before him in my bra and boots. With complete knowledge of what I was doing I took the knife out of my boot and handed it to him. Willingly I had given him all the weapons with which to destroy me.
His eyes were grey. He watched me in the corner of the sofa a moment, standing over the just locked door like a melodramatic vampire before he went back towards his chair opposite me and sat. "First we talk. That will be the painful bit, I think. Then we play. If you live, I take you our and treat you very very well. It is very possible, however, that you will not. But it is not a horrible death. I will shoot you in the heart. It may be a relief. Do you understand?" I nodded. "Now, my little Raven, who first fucked you and how old were you?" I sighed. This. So often this. I considered the lie of my nonexistent brother that I had so often told. But... this man might kill me. For that favor I decided to tell the truth. "My Grandaddy. I'm not sure how old I was. I think about two or so." "You decided not to lie! Now tell me, are you hoping to die or is this some sort of quest for answers?"
There were three of us. A girl of about nineteen I'd never seen before, one of Brandon's girl's named Katie and me. The client said he wanted to play a game that might cause him to have to pay a replacement fee. He said if anyone wanted to leave, that was fine, they just wouldn't get their money. The girl I didn't know and Katie stood up. Katie looked shocked to see me still sitting on the sofa. "Come on, Raven, he said you could die." "I'm not going home without the money." "John handled me, trust me, this is an exception, come on." I shook my head and uncrossed my ankles. I scooted deeper into the sofa. "No. Maybe I'll get lucky, Maybe it'll be over. Maybe this will be the last time." She looked at me close. She took my hand and tried to pull me to my feet. "No, Katie. I'm serious. Fuck it." Finally she reluctantly left me there. He closed the door behind her. He turned to me. "You sure?" I nodded. He dead bolted the door.
Today on Lili's page she talks of moving on from rage and mourning. It made me feel so inspired. Have i told you all before how much i admire Lili? Well, this is certainly no exception. i think i could write here for the next 17 lifetimes and never finish my mangled tale of events. Ever heard the term polyfragmented dissociative identity disorder? This is a label i got stuck with this last trip around to the boobie hatch. Oh how those people love those labels. Essentially it means you are fucked. No, seriously. Big time, super, mega fucked. Lets take a plate as an example. Plate should be in one piece. Okay, now lets drop that plate over and over and over and maybe play frisbee with it and throw it up against the wall a few dozen times. What do you got? A shit load of plate pieces. Some fairly big bits like myself that hold up okay mostly. Some tiny pieces that will crumple if you put too much weight on them. Some pieces that no one knows where the fuck they are. A fucking mess, living in the middle of nowhere, and just now, finally at 29 years old waking up to the fact that she didn't deserve any of this fucking shit and guess what boys and girls? i'm mother fucking FURIOUS! Nothing anyone has said has given me an iota of comfort, fuck free will, and karama, and any other fucked up thing that left a dirty little girl tied up in the heat or the cold days on end finally begging for piss to drink and razor blades stuck up in her, all in her. Fuck a world where i was nothing but a goddamn human tissue and every girl i knew was in the same boat. Fuck not being able to sleep at night for the screams, for the blood, for the shame. Fuck them all.
Lili, although my therapist says that memory work is the most important and hardest part stage 2 healing i had lost all faith in her. You... you i never loose faith in. Thank you for giving me back my hope. In you quiet way. Thank you Lili.
For the next week or two all the girls in the house (with the exceptions of Pearl and Lindy) had to practice holding an uncooked egg in their mouth. Then John would bash their heads harder and harder into the wall. When he finally managed to make one of us break it, we would be drug off and to the back basement room and strung up. John was very very angry,
Older brother became on of my regular and favorite clients.
I wished to be anywhere else. Let me melt into a puddle on the floor. But, older brother saved the day once again. "Yes, we are," he agreed. "Look man, I'm sorry my brother hit her, he's a shit. But please don't drop me from your client list. I've never had girls like that. And they are pretty too. Especially the blonde." He eyed Kayla critically, "Well, she was. Do you think her nose is broke?" John's eyes widened at that, but no, Kayla's nose was hurting and bloody but it certainly wasn't bleeding. John wasn't loosing his touch. The men sat (scooted far away from Kayla and the spreading urine stain beneath her) and worked out the details. Older brother paid the $800 for the 1/2 hour with Kayla and me and the extra $50 fee for damaged merchandise. John never missed a chance for skim.
Older brother was thankfully freshly sated and feeling charitable towards me. He said "Oh, she did not, you slammed her head against the wall too hard and rattled her teeth. Too bad too, they're talented." He noticed the blood smeared on his own cock. He sighed and looked at me somewhat sheepishly. "Tsk, I didn't mean to hurt you so bad, you just felt so fucking good." Johns eyes were like chips of steel. It was unnecessary, I knew exactly what to do. I gave him a a bright cheery smile and strode for the bathroom that was only a few steps away, throwing back over my shoulder an ego inspiring comment about his enormous cock. i settled down to clean him and locked my eyes on his brown ones. "I'm so glad you had a good time. Really. That's all we want." Kalya nodded frantically. Older brother looked at her and sighed. "I suppose you'll drop us from your client list now, huh,?" He asked morosely. And, I realized he thought his brother had hit Kayla. Younger brother had had enough. He exploded off the bed and snatched on boxers and jeans. "Yeah, fine, okay, the brunette is great. Mouth like a vacuum and a pussy that snaps, but that blonde bitch bit me and I'm not paying for it." John's voice was deadly, "Yes, you are."
The boy was bellowing and clutching at his crotch. My client was still thrusting madly, too close to his own orgasm to care much for anything else. Kayla was staring, horror struck, at the bitten appendage. Trapped beneath the boy's heaving sweating older brother I couldn't see, but from Kayla's eyes I could tell it wasn't good. Not good at all. And, then John stood in the door frame. His eyes scanned the scene. Flicked over the tiny trickle of blood seeping from the back of Kayla's head, took in her smashed bruised and bloodied lips, and then horribly swept to her client's cock. His eyes went murderous. In two steps he reached the bed and smashed Kayla's delicate face with his fist. She slumped on the bed in a bloody heap of blonde hair and sprawling limbs. Her bladder let go. I watched all this with my peripheral vision because the man on top of me was having his orgasm and I was using every skill I knew to make sure it was the best of his life. I knew I couldn't save the situation, but perhaps I could alleviate it. Immediately upon his release he blew out his breath and whispered, "Goddamn, how'd you do that?" I just gave the best smile I could find and he finally turned to his little brother who was wavering between tears and fury. When younger brother saw older brother he pointed an accusatory finger at the now conscious and cowering Kayla. "That mangy little whore bit me!"
So, a lot of what was causing me so many problems was the reawakening of an alter. Its complicated and i frankly don't feel like going into it right now, maybe i will soon, or google dissociative identity disorder if you can't wait and it'll give you an overview. At any rate, this new alter has tons of memories, i thought I'd start sharing some of what she shared while we were in the hospital (read the fifth circle of hell.)
~ He is waiting in the hall for them to finish with us. I see his shadow on the wall. I adjust my performance to its most stellar. Ever gasp is tinged with unfelt pleasure, every moan laced with faked desire. Their clumsy hands grope and twist and my dry flesh spits and bleeds just as it does every single time. Kayla takes the youngest one in her mouth yet again. The very young and the very old are a curse. Cocks that work too well or not well enough are so exhausting. The man braced above me shudders again, driving through me with enough force that I have to turn my body off. I turn my head and watch in sympathy as Kayla's client thrusts into her mouth with such force that her head bangs the wall with a meaty thank over and over again. Tears well in her eyes which are silently pleading with the boy. He obviously enjoys her tears. He steadily thrusts harder and harder, bouncing Kayla's head off the wall with greater and greater force. Finally he rears back and thrusts as hard as he can. As he bellows in pain her eyes widen in terror. Her teeth have clicked together, she has bitten him. My eyes flew to John's shadow which has changed positions.
