Downstairs i related the results of the inspection to Benny. He sighed and stood up, taking his belt off. We were trudging across the room to the back basement room when the screaming started down the basement steps. i wondered at both her lung capacity and her ability to keep at what was so obviously a hopeless cause. Benny paused. He asked me how old the kid was. i said i guessed about ten. He shook his head, hunched his shoulders and drug me a few steps towards the back basement room before i could catch up and start walking at his faster pace. Usually Benny was fairly gentle with me. Not that day. That day he left criss crossing bruises and welts and drew cries of genuine pain from me. i think he was trying to drown out the sounds of the little girl in the next room. He failed though. Her noises dwarfed mine and made them the pitiful mewlings of a kitten.
i was in Edward's office being inspected when we heard the commotion. A little girl was screaming for her Mama. John stepped back with his measuring tape and cocked his head at Edward. Edward took his feet off his desk and nodded to John. "Well, Raven, it looks like we are going to be interrupted. We both know what the result of this evaluation is going to be anyway. You've still got those monstrous tits and that ass! I know you are trying. You are loosing weight. So I won't be too harsh with you. I'll let Benny deal with your failure. As for your skills," he paused and shut his eyes as the screaming reached an ear splitting pitch. Then he gave his head a small shake as though shaking off a fly and continued. "you always test well. I'd be willing to just pass you except that I enjoy using you much too much for that. Tell Benny I said fifty strokes and then to come up here. When I'm ready for you he'll come and get you." i thanked him both for his time and his leniency and opened his heavy office door. The noise was much louder on this side of the door. i walked down the hall towards the basement stairs and in the kitchen i saw the little girl being held by a short man in a stained and dirty clothes. His hair was greasy and he looked like he hadn't bathed in a long time. The little girl was small and blonde. Her hair was matted on one side. That side of her face was dirty. Her clothes were disheveled and looked to be put on wrong. Tears streamed down her cheeks and she called for her mother over and over again. John saw me staring and snapped, "Get your fat ass down those stairs before I double whatever Edward gave you." i went.
i knew i'd be in terrible trouble but the need was too great. i listened to Kayla's screams and hid behind the rec room sofa and lacerated my legs. Every scream was another jagged cut. my hands shook with fear. John said the next time he'd take all my skin off. That was okay though. That would just be more cuts in a way. i curled up in a ball and awaited discovery. i knew the rage would be awful to behold. The cutting was the one thing i was willfully disobedient about. i had been for as long as i could remember. Maybe they would just kill me this time.
So i never post here anymore. Why? Because i hate the new format. i hate trying to tell a single story. i can't do it. So i'm going back to what's more comfortable to me. Telling what's on my mind. This is what's on my mind today:
i could barely breathe the pain in my back was so bad. A punch to the kidneys was debilitating. i hated this client. He never would get around to fucking until he had beaten me to a pulp. Edward's rules on beating his girls were simple: don't damage the merchandise. That left a lot of room for a lot of pain. i lay flat on my stomach trying to breathe through the agony when the kicks started. i could only whimper and hang on. He'd get tired soon doing something so strenuous. i held on. i endured. And, finally he was ready to fuck. And, for once that pain was minor compared to my other hurts. No matter how brutal he tried to be (he was worn out from his assault) it was all i could do to react.
It was Sunday afternoon. i had lost many hours. i didn't care, it meant i was closer to Monday and the promise of being picked up for school... what i was hanging on to. i passed the next hour or so being coached on getting the money without being offensive. Since i would be going to negotiated clients this would mostly be a non issue since they would have paid in advance. But some clients insisted on getting their product first and so i had to be able to get Edward's money. i watched Candy do it, then Kayla, Pearl, and finally April. Benny had easily given each of them ten bucks when they asked for it. When i asked he told me no.
When i came back to myself i was sitting by the pool table holding a beer. A miller pony. The kind i had drunk as a child with my grandfather. i felt the bile rise in my throat and choked it down. This would be a bad time to puke. i sit the beer carefully on the table behind me and asked in a shakey voice if i could use the ladies room. Jack eyed me strangely but nodded and indicated the one in the back basement room, through the heavy metal door that had concealed Kayla being beaten the day before. i entered cautiously but it was okay, the room was unoccupied today. Still modest i felt uncomfortable peeing so exposed in the corner of the room but i did. Then i washed my hands and for good measure splashed cold water on my face. i returned to the main rec room and settled back into my chair at the pool table. John approached me from behind. He rubbed my shoulders and i felt like screaming. "You are a very interesting little girl, you know that? Can you pull that trick anytime?" "What trick?" "Changing." "Changing?" "Never you mind, darlin'. Old John will learn how to work it. Old John will learn just how to take care of you. And, you will make us lots of money." i wanted to ask him what the hell he was talking about, but i was scared. Scared of him... and scared of the answer.
By now i was just done. i had been sold, used, beaten, humiliated, terrified and threatened more than i could stand. i was just done. i clung to Benny and looked for reassurance. i think he tried to provide it, but it was not a situation that could be reassured much. When Benny carried me down the basement steps and handed me to John it was more than i could bear. i found the hole in the wall and escaped. Enough was enough.
After that i performed my very first train. Five runners lined up in the hall to take their turns after Edward. The first was Ricky. He was easy with me. Next came Jimmy and he gave me my first ever hit of acid. i thought it was a dud and spent the whole time he rode me waiting for something exciting to happen. It didn't. Then came Bob, he was rough. i ripped and bled and cried. Around the time Randy flipped me onto my knees the acid kicked in. i watched in fascination as the stitching ran in circles on my bedspread and barely noticed him even though my nose almost touched the bed several times. i don't remember who came last. i would learn to handle drugs, but in the early days they knocked me on my ass. i don't know how much time passed before Benny came and found me. He lead me down the hall to the bathroom and bathed me like a child. He even washed my long hair and conditioned it, combing it out for me. Finally i was dressed in a nightie and led from the bathroom.
Once i had lost all control of myself and was sobbing with abandon, he seemed satisfied. He jerked me off the little bench in front of my vanity by the hair and drug me to my sweet pink little bed. He used me brutally, punching and slapping me as he did so. His only instruction was, "Please me, bitch, please me," repeated over and over. When he was finished i lay panting, bleeding and aching on the bed. When he reached for me at first i cringed and he made shushing noises. "You're mine little girl. Mine to pet, mine to kick, mine to love, mine to do anything with I please. Come here like a good little girl. Come on. Come to Edward, come on and tell me that you love me." i slid across the bed to him and he enfolded me in his arms, stroking my hair with one hand. "Tell me," he whispered. "I love you," i whispered back. He squeezed me tight and and said i was a good girl, and though some part of me hated myself for it, i swelled with pride at his words.
I saw him in the mirror first. He stood across the room looking at the back of my head and my long hair. I worried for a moment that he might make me cut it. My father would flip out, he loved my long hair. But, then Edward stepped forward and stroked my locks. "You have lovely hair, its your best feature." Suddenly his hand was on my throat cutting off all my air. "Don't struggle, you're mine." I fought the urge to fight for air, trying so desperately to be still as my lungs screamed for air. Darkness closed in on me. My hands clenched to fists and he slapped me. I forced my hands to relax and sat limp as the blackness washed over me. Just before I lost consciousness he let my neck go and I choked and sputtered. Again and again he drove me to the edge of nothing. Forcing me to be passive and accepting of his torture. My life was his to do with as he pleased.
i calmed down and Kayla left me in the room alone. She had places to go and people to see. She was always busy. i wondered over to the vanity i had been assigned and sat down. i stared at the girl in the mirror. It wasn't pretty. my face was red and puffy from crying. i had bruises and marks that were clearly visible in the skimpy nightie. But, the most drastic change was in my eyes. They were glassy with tears and seemed hooded with exhaustion and fear. i was still studying my eyes in the mirror when Edward himself walked into the room.
