There came a day when i saw JH feel bad about what he was doing to me. Or at least feel bad for me. He had left me in a cum soaked puddle on my mother's bathroom floor and a few minutes later Jackson arrived. He, of course, went nuts at finding me in such a state and beat me senseless before using me in a horribly brutal fashion. This second ride of the day was more than i could take and i escaped through a hole i found in the carpet. Hours later when i returned the story was that i had fallen down the steps. Jackson told this story without a blink and i nodded with sincerity. It was JH whose eyes kept lingering on me and who couldn't sit still. That night it was JH who whispered his apology as he left. Jackson, JH, it didn't matter to me. They were my hell. Sorry didn't help.
JH never beat on me. Not once. He was never physically violent. He may have slapped me a twice in my life for being extremely resistant. Mostly it was words. He ripped me to shreds with words that left me willing to do anything to make him stop saying them. "You little cunt, why'd you like your own Granddaddy doing those things and not want a real man to touch you?" or "You need to learn how to be good so you can make a man love you some day. Your own Daddy hates you." And i would cave. i'm not sure i can say he ever really raped me. i always said no, but in the end i always said yes. i always did the best i could. JH trained me. By the time i hit Edward's house most of my training was completed. JH had done it. And, had done a good job.
and i love it! JH has been accused (falsely i believe) of molesting a four year old girl. She is out of his age group. Most pedophiles have an age range they prefer and stick to it. JH's is about 10-13. i don't care if its false, i'm pretty sure he is fucked and is going to jail. i think back to the times i had to get down on my knees after Jackson had beaten me and left me somewhere and i had no one to call but JH. my pussy was dirty if Jackson had used it, but he would pump his cum in my mouth. Or the many nights i begged him to just let me go to bed but first i'd have to fuck him. Riding him and learning to use my muscles properly. The sick fuck. i hate him. i hope he rots. Karma is a mother fucker you bastard. Fry. Fry fucker.
i was still on the floor trying to pretend not to hear when John arrived to pick me up. i heard his voice below me and knew he was down the stairs and for once i longed for him. His hell was better than this hell and i wanted him to come and take me away. So intent was i on the pitch and timber of John's voice that i was caught totally off guard when i was grabbed by the hair and dragged back onto the bed to lick the woman. This time i could feel soft hair on my neck and warm breathe in my face. The woman had an intense orgasm very quickly. She ended with her legs clamped tight on my head and when they fell away my blindfold was askew. i looked down in horror at a little girl of about eight, her arms bound behind her back. It was easy to see she didn't belong to these two, for she was Hispanic and they were not. i wanted so badly to save her, to help her get away. But, my own captor was at the door. The man opened the door to let John in and i held the little girl's hand. "Raven, now don't give me problems." John threatened from the doorway. i held on tighter. "I told you, most talented mouth in the stable, but also no hardness in her at all. Now there will be a big teary scene, and I'll have to beat her. I told you not to let her see the little bitch." The man looked daggers at the woman. The woman picked up a bath brush that was laying on an ottoman with other nasties beside the bed. The girl started to cry. i took her into my arms automatically. The woman pointed at me. "Go now and I won't use it on her. Stay on that bed another minute, and you can watch her scream." i left. That night i got Benny to beat me, but he wouldn't do enough to make me satisfied. i even asked John. He laughed and told me he'd not do it just to watch me eat myself up. And, i did. Until there was something more immediate to eat at me. So it really wasn't long.
After i swallowed a woman's voice said something like, "She won't be able to do it like that, you're dreaming, that girl is a trained whore." Then i heard a loud smack and the woman fell silent. i held the edge of the bed with one hand, it felt like it was spinning. Out of the blue i was shoved to the floor where i landed with a bone jarring thud and thunked my head against some piece of wooden furniture. "Wait there, bitch." And, then i heard the man coaxing someone to come try. That this wouldn't hurt. That it hadn't hurt the pretty girl. Come on. Finally the whimpers turned briefly to screams and then to gagging and choking.
A gruff voice told me not to peek and rough hands tied something over my eyes. Flickering light came into play behind the blindfold. Then i was commanded to show a mysterious her how to give a blowjob. my head was spinning. i couldn't think. Until hard cock was placed against my mouth i was lost. And, then, finally, i knew what to do. i sucked him off and the whimpering went on. On and on and on.
This is something that still bothers me a lot. i dream about it all the time. i know i'll never stop.
i woke up with a start and i had no idea where i was. It was absolutely forbidden to truly sleep on dates, and yet i had. Actually, i had passed out. i was totally disoriented and i felt around in a panic. Where was i? Who was i entertaining? What role was i playing? What the fuck was going on? It was pitch black. In the darkness i heard labored breathing and whimpering. Whimpering? Who the fuck was whimpering? Working with someone? Damn, i couldn't think straight at all. What in the name of FUCK had John given me?
Once again i have tried to tell you about Ebony. Once again i have failed. Why is it that i can tell you of April, her eyes wide and her blonde hair coated with gore (i flinched, i squirmed, but i told) but of Ebony's beautiful brown eyes i can't speak? i don't know. They both haunt me. my actions led to both of their ultimate demise. i loved them both and they deserved better. The world i lived in chewed them up and spit them out. i played my part.
On the third day after Melinda's arrival Jackson caught Ebony and i making out "off the clock." Jackson really was racist and slurs for her and cunt for me echoed up and down the house. Technically Ebony was Jackson's property. Jackson wanted to cut her throat on the spot. Melinda went white with rage and righteous indignation. (Of course his screams had brought her down the steps on the double.) Edward bought her on the spot for the insulting amount of 500 bucks. Ebony laid her head on my shoulder and cried. Suspiciously they didn't do anything to Ebony at that time. They took her into the back room and made her watch what John did to me. i was as stoic as i could be, trying to spare her, but John was having none of that, in the end i shrieked and begged. But, of course i got no mercy. Our plan had backfired, we just didn't know how badly yet.
During that first visit of Melinda's Ebony was still living in the house and she couldn't resist being a shit. Ebony never could resist her tendency towards mischief. She came to us all with the plan. We'd call her bad names in front of Melinda, but only if John or Edward were present. Outside their presence we'd be nice as pie. Edward and John could be depended on to be asses themselves. They looked for every girl's weaknesses. And, despite Ebony's toughness, that still hurt her. Racism still made her heart ache. Just as they wanted all of our hearts to ache. And, so they played that card. And, Ebony found a way to turn it against them. For a while at least.
Edward's sister knew what he did but disapproved. Not to the point that she would have her own brother locked up, but whenever she came to visit (she lived in another state) she rocked the boat. Rocked it hard. The hell of it was, she was trying to help us, Edward's girls. She didn't. She made our lives miserable. Everyone thought she might make us start thinking we were human. John was twice as likely to string someone up for any little thing. Edward was more present in our lives than usual which was never good. He handed out harsh punishments like he was handing out candy. And, she ate Benny up with guilt so the one voice that ever said anything in our defense was suddenly gone, or even more slurred than usual or completely incoherent. The first time Melinda came i didn't understand the other girls fear and near panic. She seemed so nice. i had been selected to carry her bags and escort her into the actual family part of the house that the girls were only taken into to pleasure Eric and Marna in their bedroom. She clucked over how thin i was and inspected the bruise on my cheek closely. i thought her nice, but a little weird as i scampered back to my own domain where i could feel comfortable.
Okay, so, Marcie was here all day yesterday and then i had to run around trying to get all of her errands done and get rid of her last night. No time to myself whatsoever. i love her, i do, but the woman would drive a religious deity to mainline tequilla in about two minutes flat. And, i'm out of weed. Fuck. So, i had wanted to do the blogathon this year for this page, but i'm going to be out of town. Dammit. It falls right in the middle of the time J and i are going away for our anniversary. So that's out. i don't where i'm going to go next week. i've circled my sick fuck of a grandfather as much as i can think of right now. i can't think of anything else "light" and i am still not ready to force the door of that basement open. Or go into either of those cursed bedrooms. Where does that leave me? i don't know. i could go back to Edward's house i suppose. Maybe i will.
Due to the fact that i moved Always His angel a lot of folks think this blog is moving. It isn't. At least not yet. i do have plans for this blog, but on a rather larger scale than Always His angel and so i'm content to stay here for now.
The past two weeks were just very hard for me and with the holiday this week and attending family get togethers i just haven't had the energy to poke at this stuff this week. i'll go for a stand alone post tomorrow.
So yeah, yesterday sucked, i left the house when i got out of bed and didn't return until i got back in it. No time for blogging. No time for anything. It was a shitty day. Here's yesterday's post.
During the long 14 months of Granny's absence the first 2 or 3 were spent at starvation and killing things. Small animals and birds and finally one of Granny's beloved house dogs. By then i always had to help, and i had learned that a mask and complete stoicism made the process go faster. But, killing Bootsie was different. Granny loved that dog. It implied (to me anyway) that Granny would never come back. To my horror i heard myself begging with him, pleading that Bootsie be spared. i tried to shut myself up, i really did, but my mouth just went on and on. And, then i did the unthinkable. i ran away. i ran away from the shed and went and sat on the basement door, and waited on his wrath.
Being killed outright myself was better than the thought that Granny would never return. It was all that sustained me. That was the end of the animal killings and the beginning of a new chapter for me. Many long months still stretched before me before she would return.
