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Monday, October 31, 2005

Edward's Lessons 

Well, here it is Monday. And, as i do on Mondays, i've opened pandora's box, rooted around in there, trying not to get lost, and pulled out one yucky thing to exorcise. Have i mentioned i need a system for this?

i had regular performance reviews by Edward. Sometimes he would watch my technique with either John or Benny or one of the girls, sometimes he would use me himself. Some things i already had down very well. my blowjob was stellar. Some things i struggled with, i couldn't seem like a whip weilding bitch no matter how hard i tried. (This has come to me later in life. *wink*)
Edward always made me nervous. Other than our trips into his office or bedroom, i almost never saw him, and i never developed any level of comfort with him. Benny was good to me, John was cruel but could mostly be fair, but Edward was a complete mystery. You never knew what to expect.
There came a day when i was practicing putting a rubber on John with my mouth. my hands were tied behind my back, and there was an electrified plug in my ass. i got 30 seconds from the time John got the rubber in my mouth and then the juice went on. This exercise was made much more difficult by the fact that John's cock was enormous and condoms never fit right. Finally, after i had been zapped beyond tears and screams and into mute determination, i got it right in under 30 seconds. i beamed up at John and he ruffled my hair and called me a good girl.
Behind me Edward snorted and switched on the juice again. And, left it on. i had no comprehension whatsoever, and he laughed like a loon watching me shudder and scream. When he finally left the room John switched it off, and when i sobbed and asked him what i had done he looked a little sad.
"That's just the way it is, kid. He's the boss. He wants you to hurt, you hurt, you don't gotta do nothing."
It took me a while longer to learn this lesson.

Raven screamed at 12:35 PM

 6 comments

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Saturday, October 29, 2005

Out Spot Dammit 

Well, that was a rather long and unannounced break, huh? i desperately needed to get some distance. This blog helps me, but every so often it feels like it is about to eat me up. i got extremely wrapped up in old hatred and bitterness and i just had to get away from it before i ended up in the cemetary with a shovel. The urge has passed mostly, and now i'm feeling much more centered.
On Tuesday i went to a conference in that city an hour away where Edward lived. It was held in a nice hotel, but the moment i got there i got sick at the stomach. Before the conference was over i had a panic attack and had to flee to the bathroom and hide. i remained sick for the rest of the evening. i didn't grasp the connection until J practically rolled his eyes at me and said, "You must have WORKED there, for heaven's sake."
i am sick and fucking tired of how this all still affects (effects, whatever) my life. This blog is helping, but not fast enough to suit me. i know its not going to happen soon, but dammit i SOOO want it to. I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK. Or for the first time. Or fucking something.
At any rate, i'll be back at it on Monday. i will get the fuckers out of my head. I WILL.

Raven screamed at 6:07 PM

 9 comments

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Friday, October 21, 2005

The Very End 

If this blog were a book with any logical order to it, this would be the last post. But, it doesn't, so here it is now.


By that fall, i'd had enough. i took my chances, and made my escape, a story i'll tell another time. November of that year i met J, and began to learn a different life. i discovered for the first time that i was just a girl, not poisonous or bad. For the first time in my life i was loved.
By Feb of the following year i had begun to rebuild my life with J at its center. i sweated out an extremely horrible cure and kicked my addictions. At that point my hands still shook more often than not, and Jackson harassed me quite often. my life was still in shattered pieces, with only the vaguest promise i would ever pick any of them up.
i was at J's, in his bed, in his arms when the call came that my grandfather had died. He had died in his sleep on a Friday night, and i got the call on a Saturday afternoon. i couldn't even take in the meaning. i went home, cutting myself off from my only source of light, love, and comfort because i felt that my family needed me.
my father cried, my mother tried to comfort him. Marcie cried and Vanessa chewed a hole in her lip but took Marcied into her arms and tried to comfort her. i stood apart from them. Watching them as though they were strangers. Finally my mother took my father to the funeral home to help make arrangements.
And, without him in the house, Marcie voiced the thought in all of our minds... "The monster is dead." Everything was a swirl of crying faces until the funeral.
J went with me. my father's family cut my sisters and me dead. As though we had done the old man to death ourselves. i actually heard my Aunt Beatrice calling Vanessa a lying whore. Marcie told her to shut her fucking mouth. Vanessa and Marcie edged close together and held hands. You could see the little girls they had been very clearly.
And, as always, i stood apart from my family. But, this time i wasn't alone. J held my upper arm and stroked my back. People were looking at us as though his touch was indecent, but i didn't care. i wouldn't have cared if it had been. i needed to feel him, and his possession of me.
At the graveside service i suddenly felt at though i had been stabbed. The pain was excruciating in my lower abdomen. i thought at first it was only a flashback, something i had lived with all my life, but then i felt the blood flow down my legs and the pain intensified so much i went down to my knees.
Everyone simply stood there and stared at me. Muttering nasty things as blood soaked through my linen skirt. Finally J picked me up in his big strong arms and carried me away from that hell. He didn't even pause when my father asked him what he thought he was doing. He tucked me into his car, gunned the motor and drove me to the hospital, cussing my whole family bitterly as he did so.
i didn't know it at the time, but my mother followed him. Her friend Anne brought her to the hospital and she arrived right behind us, in time to register me. It turned out i had a cyst rupture on my ovary. Withing a few hours i was okay.
Well, physically. i'm still not okay that he died in his sleep and i bled at his funeral. The bastard.

Raven screamed at 1:19 PM

 10 comments

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Thursday, October 20, 2005

The Last Time 

The last time i saw my grandfather was part of my punishment for last week's attack on John. He thought really hard to come up with something bad enough to cover being attacked by one of his own whores. i got the physical retribution i told about last week, auctioned for a month, and this.

When John told Jackson what he wanted him to do, i was devastated, hurt, disgusted, and enraged. But, after i calmed down a bit i thought it wouldn't be so bad. my grandfather had very few good days by then, and i figured chances were good he wouldn't even know who the hell i was.
It was a blistering hot day in July when Jackson and i went to visit my grandfather. We had yet another tussle when it came time to get out of the car. And for the third time he hammered me into submission. This one wasn't as bad as when he forced me into the leather skirt and see through top with my trademark leather boots, but it was probably a bit worse than the convincing it took to get me into the car.
The lady who kept my grandfather took one look at me wobbling unsteadily on my heels, my crotch barely covered by my skirt, and my mouth bleeding onto my see through top and made a loud hmph noise and disappeared back into the depths of her house.
Now that it was here, i decided there was nothing for it but to handle it with as much dignity as i could muster. The old bastard wouldn't know who i was anyway. i jerked my arm out of Jackson's iron grip, squared my shoulders and walked briskly down the hall to my grandfather's room. At the doorway i hesitated but Jackson's hand turned the knob for me and i stepped over the threshold before he could shove me. He closed the door behind us, and i heard the small snick as it locked.
He was dressed. He was seated in an old blue recliner looking out the window. His old bald head turned slowly to see who had hustled so rudely into his room. His eyes slid over Jackson and landed on me. His brow creased, trying to place who i was.
Jackson stepped forward. "Mr. _______?"
Granddaddy's eyes turned back to him and he nodded curtly. He looked at me again and wiped his mouth.
"I've brought you a gift, Mr. _____. Something that's really yours anyway, but I wanted you to see she's being properly looked after."
At the words really yours i couldn't stop the low moan that escaped me and i turned my pleading eyes on Jackson. i could see some pity in his face, but he touched his scar and nodded at me. His was meaning clear. He was afraid of John, and i'd get no mercy from him.
i closed my eyes and recited John's carefully constructed words in a voice i didn't recognize.
"Its me Granddaddy. It's your little cunt. i came to tell you i grew up to be a whore, just like you wanted. This is one of the men i work for. You trained me so good, i'm here to do whatever you want for free."
For a few minutes he only looked confused. i felt relief course through me. It was all going to be okay, he had no idea what i was talking about. i opened my eyes and turned towards Jackson, but just as i was about to speak the old bastard did.
"Livy?"
i sobbed and rushed towards the door but Jackson caught me and hauled me back. He got my arm behind my back and twisted it so viciously i lost my breath for a minute. Then he eased me to my knees. i went, not caring anymore. i hoped he would kill me. i couldn't imagine hell as anything worse than this.
It turned out old age had robbed him of his manhood, but not his enjoyment of misery. He listened to Jackson's offer of anything he wanted, and laughed merrily. In the end it was fairly harmless stuff, i sucked my grandfather's limp cock a bit and then laid my upper body across his lap while Jackson fucked me. The entire ordeal probably took less than 15 minutes.
When Jackson touched my back so that i knew i could get up i carried out the last of John's instructions without having to be prompted. my soul felt dead. What did it matter now?
i sat in Granddaddy's lap and kissed his horribly disgusting old mouth, thrusting my tongue in and pressing my ass firmly against his cock.
"Thank you Granddaddy. You were right about me. i love you."
my assigned lines and actions exhausted, i merely sat in his lap. i lacked the will to even try to save myself anymore. John had been canny, all will to resist had fled. And, as i sat there, the old arm came around me, and hugged me tight. The other hand knocked my unresisting legs apart and i sprawled on him. He rubbed my sex softly and whispered, "I love you too. I always did."
i couldn't respond or react at all, i only sat there, still as a statue . Finally, Jackson pulled me off of his lap and lead me from the house.
That night i took my Mama's entire bottle of xanex, and i woke up in the hospital. i couldn't even get that right.

Raven screamed at 8:54 PM

 12 comments

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Moments of Lucidity -1 

i saw my grandfather lucid twice after he got ill. The first time, i went to get my father for my mother. She was in the car with a horrible migraine and she needed my father. i couldn't bear to make her go out into the bright sunlight so i went in to get him. my father was in the bathroom and i stood just inside my grandfather's doorway waiting for him.
Suddenly he looked up at me and recognized me.
"Livey, my little cunt," he whispered. i backed away, but he caught my wrist with surprising speed. "What's the matter, you don't want to be my cunt any more? You think you can be anything else? Never. Never."
He drew me towards him and i wanted to resist but was afraid to. Then my father was in the doorway.
"Daddy, you let my girl go. Leave her alone, and _______, what are you doing in here?"
i ran past my father back to the car, and heard my grandfather laughing behind me. Daddy followed me out the car and spoke to my mother. Both of us pretended nothing had happened.

Raven screamed at 1:17 AM

 5 comments

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Slipping Away 

He began to develop alzheimer's about a year after i moved out. By the time i started dating Jackson he would ask for Livy because he didn't have the sense to keep my secret name secret anymore. But, no one but me knew what the hell he was talking about. They thought he was asking for his mother.
He retreated to a time in his teen years after he had moved in with my Granny. She died and he would get lost in his neighborhood. He was eventually moved in with a woman who had once been a CNA. He hit her often and my father would have to go and take care of things.
my family took it in turns to sit with him, but i flat out refused point blank to go, and threatened to let him wander into the damn river. my mother took my side and i was excused from babysitting the old monster. That they would even ask still makes me livid.

Marcie came home from babysitting duty one day beside herself with fury. Although he didn't recognize her, or have any idea who she was, he took it upon himself to tell her a story of how delicious his granddaughters were. And, when he began describing her own child self to her, she couldn't take it anymore and got up and left. He fell down some steps and hurt his leg. (i've always thought there was a good chance Marcie shoved him down the steps and i don't blame her if she did.)
Vanessa had also refused point blank to do anything for him, and after that Marcie wouldn't either. So, for a while we drifted. Apart from him. But, there was always the strain on my father to remind us. i can remember hearing him cry behind the bedroom door at night and my mother's voice soothing him. And, i hated them both.
Eventually i stopped, but i still remember that blinding fury and inescapable hatred. Had they forgotten? Or more likely did they never care?

Raven screamed at 12:20 AM

 4 comments

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Monday, October 17, 2005

Closure 

i was going to go a bit farther with last week's story this week. But, today Lili began giving me a gift. The story of another pure evil man (a man like my grandfather) dying. i have wanted his demise a long time, and she veered off her current path to make him scream for me. Thank you Lili.
So, i thought we'd talk a bit about my own monster's end this week. How he never changed, never paid enough to suit me, and died in his sleep. Technically this falls outside what i had set out to cover on this blog, my life before J. But, since i made that rule, i can surely choose to break it.

Raven screamed at 1:39 PM

 8 comments

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Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Stool 

i wrote this yesterday but didn't get it posted. my sisters are driving me nuts. One is half a step from the loony bin, the other is about to go to jail. *sigh*

The stool was a device John designed. It was intended to hold an object inside an offender while he was free to administer punishment to other areas of the body. Most often the object was a slightly modified cattle prod or an enormous dildo. In my case, it a portion of the broken pool stick.

i'll spare you the details, and just tell about the aftermath and resulting trip to visit George.

Benny collected us from the back room. By then Kayla could stagger but i had to be carried. George blanched with distaste when he noticed the steady flow of blood between my legs and asked if i had lost another baby. Benny shook his head and went back to Kayla.
She had bruised kidneys, a broken wrist, a cracked collarbone, needed stitches in her cheek, and had a slight concussion. She was bleeding vaginally and that he couldn't figure out until a pregnancy test showed she was pregnant. Miraculously the bleeding stopped and George told her that the baby wouldn't go on its own. She placed her good hand over her belly in wonder and nodded.
George told me he thought i'd never have to go through another abortion. He thought there was too much damage for me to ever conceive again. (Ever notice how often i was told i would never be a mother? Didn't work out that way though. That gives me a feeling of vindictive pleasure.) He stitched my back so fine the scar is only noticable if you know what you are looking for. Then he went about treating the burns. my toes, the backs of my knees, (one of those got so infected he worried for a while) the undersides of my breasts, the back of my neck, and each finger tip. Throughout the treatment i was silent. i had thrown up repeatedly during John's punishment and i was no longer at all drunk or stoned. i was thinking. Thinking that the worse thing that could happen if i ran was death. And, that seemed like a good thing. It took something terrible to move me from thinking into action.
Two weeks later the father of Kayla's child bought her from Edward and took her to Seattle to start a new life. Benny loaned him part of the money, a month after that i was taken to auction.

Raven screamed at 4:45 PM

 4 comments

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

Even Monsters Bleed 

John snatched his deeply bitten fingers back and laughed harder.
"Well hot damn, Raven! I thought you were already dead all this time. Seems like there is a little life left in you after all."
i crouched low and charged his knees, going for the one that gave him trouble when it rained. He gave a most un-Johnlike squeak of surprise and kicked at me but he missed and i made good contact with the bad knee. He went down to his knees and stopped laughing.
He grapped me and drew me into his arms and i got one final lick in. i headbutted him in the face so hard i saw stars. When i looked up his mouth was bleeding. i became aware of a growling sound and i wanted to tell him to shut up, but then realized it was me.
He just held me, looking at me as though he had never seen me before. Just then Benny tugged me out of his grasp.
"You cannot kill her without talking to Edward. You cannot. After the last one you promised not to. John, do you hear me? You cannot!"
John wiped the blood from his mouth and looked down at it like he had no idea what it could be. Surely he couldn't bleed like one of us.
"Oh, I'm not going to kill her. That's what she wants. I understand Raven. All she has ever wanted is to die. And, I'll be damned if I'll give it to her. No, I'm going to make her suffer. For a long time."
He nodded at Kayla. "No use taking that to the doc yet. This one will need him when I'm done. Just wait and make one trip."
Benny tightened his grip on me until i felt i would be crushed, but in the end he nodded and thrust me at John.
"Get one of the runners to watch for you, though. You need someone to help you stop and I can't watch it with her. No."

Raven screamed at 4:29 PM

 7 comments

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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Losing my Mind 

Benny gasped in horror when i walked through the door but i only had eyes for Kayla and John. Kayla dangled from the ceiling. He had a pool stick in his hand and was beating her in the face with it. While i stood there he knocked her out. Then the stick smashed into her lovely face and ripped open her sweet cheek and rage washed over me.
i stormed forward and yanked the stick out of his hand and handed it to a stunned Benny.
"STOP IT YOU PRICK! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"
Benny moaned. John looked at me in complete shock. Then he slapped me and knocked me across the room. i didn't even have the sense to stay down. i jumped up, ran across the room and grapped the pool stick out of Benny's unresisting hand. They just were so shocked they were slow in their reactions i guess.
With a howl of rage i broke the stick over my knee. (It left a bruise that lasted three weeks.) Half hit the floor and i threw the other half at John. He caught it neatly and began to laugh again. i should have been terrified. i wasn't. i was pissed.
When he grapped me i bit him.

Raven screamed at 2:42 PM

 10 comments

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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Indescribable Stupidity 

So... i wrote a condensed version of this story, which took me 9 pages to tell when i wrote it in word. Then blogger, smelly unwashed cunt that it is, ate it. So here is the first part of the super super condensed version.
i finished my bath with the world spinning around me. i became annoyed by the spinning and decided to go to bed. But Benny had screwed the red light bulb in so his bedroom was washed in a red glow that made me feel nauseaous. i knew he'd raise hell if i went to my own bed so i cursed him under my breath and went staggering down the stairs to find him.
i knew something was badly amiss on the bottom step. April and Candy were huddled in the rec room, looking horrified. i fell off the last step and got up even more annoyed. Candy called my name and April made frantic beckoning motions at me, but i ignored them and stormed through the door to the main basement room.
From there i could hear the sickening thud of a heavy object landing on unprotected skin and Kayla's agonized screams. Most disturbing though was Benny's voice begging John to stop. For god's sake stop it before you kill her. And, over it all, John's demented laughter.
Any other time i would have had the sense to run upstairs and hide. Any other time i would have cowered and cried. Any other time i would have been a smart coward. But, i was quite horribly drunk, and mean with it.
i marched through the door to the back basement room.

Raven screamed at 9:12 PM

 8 comments

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Kidney Stones SUCK 

i had another stone. Laid me up bad. Rather zoned on painkillers still. Will be back as soon as i can stand it. Or piss without feeling like i'm gonna die.

Raven screamed at 12:43 AM

 13 comments

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Bathtub Wars 

Kayla and i had a party that night together. i drank way too much, as i am prone to do. By the time John came to pick us up, i was bleeding from both my ass and my pussy and i was stoned out of my head (which was okay) and roaring drunk(which it turned out, was not.)
He stood around talking a few minutes and was delighted to find out i was wanted for three more parties over the course of the next few weeks. Kayla was requested for a film. That should have made him happy, too... but he merely nodded. Finally he was ready to leave.
He popped the trunk open and i grabbed out the plastic he kept back there for after parties or bleeders. Kayla and i adjusted it into the back seat then drug our nasty exhausted bodies into the car and sprawled on one another in companionable silence.
John looked back over the seat at us and snarled his nose in disgust.
"You bitches need baths."
We nodded tiredly and argued in a mostly friendly way over who should get the the tub first. John settled that by offering to let one of us shower in the bathroom off the back basement room. Watching him snort off his fingernail as we zoomed down the road much too fast neither of us wanted to go into the back basement room with John. Coke made him mean and he'd string you up for fun.
Kayla pled with me with her eyes. i shook my head slightly. i felt bad for her, but i was already hurting really bad and i did not want to deal with John at all. i told myself i'd find Pearl or Lindy and get them to go distract John while Kayla was in the shower.
We got back to the house and i looked into Kayla's pleading eyes again and groaned. i knew he wouldn't hurt me as bad so i followed him to the basement steps as she headed for the shower. But, he turned on the top step and told me to get lost. He wanted Kayla instead.

Raven screamed at 12:42 PM

 3 comments

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Monday, October 03, 2005

The Beginning Of The End 

i'm still here. i just had a detour into complete insanity. i am still on somewhat shaky ground, but i'm at least standing again. This week i think i'm going to cover what happened when i tried to interfere in John's presistant persecution of Kayla. This is a little hairy, because it was the beginning of the end and i'm not ready to tell the end yet, i haven't told hardly any of the rest of it. But, we'll just see what happens.

Raven screamed at 1:30 PM

 8 comments

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My history, uncensored.  This is my place to pour out the secrets that haunt me.  This is my therapy blog, read at your own risk.

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