Thursday, August 31, 2006

Lucky Number Four 

When the fuck scene was over, or perhaps it was supposed to be a rape scene because only the tiny girl who had asked me what was going on had tried to preform and was beaten for her trouble, the lights went out again. We were told to line up according to our numbers. We shuffled tiredly into place. Girl 3 passed out and was drug into place, simply left laying between me and girl two. I began wondering about the carpet on the walls. All of these girls (with the exception of the tiny girl, i checked her number, girl 6) were as far gone as i was, some farther. I couldn't scream, i thought. Why did they need a sound proof room?
The big man, Maxie, came back around. He hooked a long board in the floor. The board had manacles attached to it. Two other men attached our ankles to the manacles. And, this is when the mistake was made that would save my life. They didn't notice that the wood at my portion of the board had been splintered by the last person chained there. The girl or boy that came before me had still been strong. They had nearly freed themselves. And, there is power in panic. Even for the weak.
“We'll do the first three, take a break, then do the next three.”
Lucky number four.

Raven screamed at 4:32 PM

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Wednesday, August 30, 2006

And, Suddenly, i Was Scared 

There were five other girls there. Five other girls to star in this movie. I'll never forget their faces. A big man with a scar that ran from his jaw down into his shirt (and all the way down to his navel i'd later find out) came around with a hat. We drew numbers out of it. My trembling hand held the number four written in a bold steady hand. A hand that hadn't been terrified or starving. A hand i hated intensely just looking at the number.
This movie was weird i decided when they rolled the camera without telling us anything. The big man came around, consulted each girl's scrap of paper and lightly carved the number into our naked hip. Just a scratch really. Just enough so that we couldn't remove or alter them. Not one of the girls in attendance made any sort of fuss. Some watched the carving, some watched the cameras, i stared at the floor. I guess we were all beyond caring. When the last number was on the last hip the lights died and cameras stopped.
Nothing happened. For a long time. Finally the redhead seemed so exhausted she sat down. A blond wondered to the far wall and leaned against it. The tiny girl next to me asked me if i knew what the hell was going on. I shook my head and walked away from her, we hadn't been told to talk. Walking made my head spin, i felt like i was going to pass out. My outstretched hand found the wall the same time the lights snapped on and the cameras were rolling again. The big man grabbed me, i was on the floor. He was on me, he was in me. I didn't care. I didn't even care enough to preform. Fuck them. I lay under him stiff and defiant. I expected a slap or someone to yell cut or something. Instead he fucked with abandon and laughed in my face.
“It doesn't matter sweetheart. In a few hours nothing will matter to you anymore. Maxie will make it so you don't care about a thing.”
And, suddenly, i was scared.

Raven screamed at 4:31 PM

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Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Oh Great, A Movie... 

“Movie. Oh great,” i thought. I hated movies. I hated the thought that of winding up in JH's porn collection and Vanessa seeing me. It was always in the back of my mind. But this time it was barely a concern. I had given up any hope of ever seeing Vanessa again. I didn't know what lay ahead of me, but i knew it wasn't home.
To my surprise i wasn't lead from the warehouse. Two men supported me as i stumbled behind my buyer, weaving through cots to the back of the place. We went through a big set of doors into what must once have been the offices.
Oddly enough the floor was covered in plastic and the walls covered in carpet. I knew what these arrangements meant and i shuddered. Messy and loud. I'd been bought for a movie that was going to be messy and loud. Fuck. Why hadn't i tried harder?

Raven screamed at 4:29 PM

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Monday, August 28, 2006

Specialty 

On the third day after i stopped eating i was laying listless on my cot watching the people around me, moving in and out of consciousness with fluidity. Nothing seemed real anymore and i couldn't really move. It felt like unbearable weights had been attached to my body if i tried to move it. So i lay still, rousing myself only very occasionally for a drink of water. Three men approached me.
“She stopped eating three days ago. She's already so far gone another day or two should finish her.”
One of them stroked my hair back from my face.
“She was a looker at one time. Still not bad. Pretty enough for the movie. And, she has tits. None of the rest of them have tits. Randell will like her.”
And so i was finally bought. Not for anything special. Only for my wish to die. I was bought by men who specialized in death.

Raven screamed at 4:22 PM

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Sunday, August 27, 2006

Thoughts 

We have nearly arrived at the reason i decided to run. The thing that pushed me over the edge. To me it seems my most horrifying secret. To you it will probably just be one more thing in a long string of things. i don’t know how much of it i can tell. How much of it i dare to tell and how much of it you can stand to read.
The images are burned forever into my brain and the sounds will never leave my head. But, i long to pour them out here. On the other hand… it was such a horribly messy awful thing. There is no way i have the skill or finesse to shadow it at all. To take any of the edge off of the horror. And, i’m afraid to tread in these waters.
We have arrived at the point of my tolerance. Even bearing witness to this brings me shame and sullies my soul. Do i really want to put such a thing here? Do i want to drag this dark beast of mine shrieking into the light and leave it staked out for the world to see?
i do not know. i don’t know if i have the courage to face it. i don’t know if i have the ruthlessness to show it to you. This week may be obscure. It may end abruptly. It may start on a whole new path suddenly.
If i can face this, i may be ready to enter my Granddaddy’s basement. Even if i don’t publish it. But, perhaps the nameless deserve to be remembered too.
i just don’t know. At this point, i don’t know anything. Only that i’m afraid.

Raven screamed at 4:19 PM

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Friday, August 25, 2006

Ground Down 

Within a day or two i realized what the warehouse was, just that, a warehouse. Every girl and boy in the place was for sale. We spent most of our time chained to the eyebolts in the floor by our small cots. There was supposed to be no talking, but whispering was rampant and it sounded all the time like a church just before services started. Hushed but loud.
We were given sparse meals at least once a day, sometimes twice if it had been particularly sparse. Every day i was lead out and allowed to shower, my chains loosely pulled through another bolt on the wall. Shaved and showered i was returned to my cot to try to lure in a buyer.
People milled through our cots, going from this bright haired girl to that dark haired boy. i was in no condition to be in such a place. My hair, once my crowning glory, hung limp and lifeless with malnutrition. i was starved in appearance and pitiful looking. Not the least bit sexy.
At first i tried. i knew if i could just get someone to test me, they'd buy me. And, i tried hard. But, no one came near. My show drew in one fascinated teenage boy but his father told him i looked like i was dying, i probably had a disease. i cursed John. i tried harder. And, then i gave up.
i lay on my cot and stared at the people. The sea of people. i wished for Daddy's Little Helpers. Wished to watch John die. Wished i would die. And, so i stopped eating.

Raven screamed at 8:20 AM

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Thursday, August 24, 2006

Enter The Warehouse 

Benny was saved from answering by the arrival of my temporary owner. The man was short, enormously fat, and had some sort of bad skin rash. He was nasty looking and i involuntarily flinched away from him. His men saw Benny out and he made me strip. The rest of the girls in the holding room were huddled into the corners looking relieved that it was my turn and not theirs.
Once my clothes were off there was the normal bending over and inspection of my intimate places, rough impersonal fingers poking and prodding. I bore this well, it being something i was used to. Finally i was redressed in head to toe black and soft black cuffs strapped to my wrists. I smiled at them. If this house needed cuffs to get their girls to go where they wanted them to, maybe the handlers had a light touch. But i would never see the inside of a house. From that holding room i was taken straight to a huge warehouse. It was absolutely crawling with young boys and girls. Girls both very young and almost old. The cuffs at my wrists were removed long enough to take off my clothes and then i never took them off again until the very end of my stay. By then my wrists were torn and bruised by the constant wear and tear and those cuffs but that mattered little. Where i was going achy wrists were the least of my worries.

Raven screamed at 10:19 AM

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Wednesday, August 23, 2006

Will You? 

The man who bought me didn't take possession of me right away. i was put in a holding room to wait with other girls. Benny came to see me there. He shouldn't have been allowed in, i was sold, technically not part of Edward's stock any longer and he had no rights to me. But, since i was only sold for a month and not permanently, the man watching us decided only my services were sold and let him in.
“I bet that sucked. I've never been to an auction before, Edward has never gotten a girl here, and I've never come with John to sell one. I didn't know it'd be like that or I'd have...” he trailed off. We both knew there was nothing he could have done. i'd sold for an astronomical amount, i'd be lucky if this didn't become a regular part of my life.
I tried to smile at him. “They said i was too skinny. I bet John loved that!”
He laughed in a shaky way, i could tell he was close to panic. “Want a candy bar? I have one in my coat.”
i smiled at him and shook my head. i laid my hand in his lap and whispered that what i really wanted was in his pants. He sobbed a little and pulled me into his arms crushing me.
“When i get back will you take me away Benny? i can't do this anymore. i'll work for you. Just take me away from here.”

Raven screamed at 8:35 AM

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Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Auctioned 

i stood on the block actually stroking the memory of the previous month's encounter with Granddaddy. That had been worse than this. That was the only thing in the world that i could imagine being worse than this, but it had been worse.
Where i stood was literally a block of wood. Just a wooden platform raised about four feet off the ground, sort of a sawed off podium. I stood in upright inspection position as the auctioneer told the crowd that i was a special entry, for sale only for a month. He gave them my name, my age, my height, my pitiful weight. Then he told them all of my selling points: talented mouth, good earner, obedient, little fuss or crying, ability to turn into a child (my mind spun a bit at that), extremely tight with good muscle control and he droned on. I felt like i would melt into a puddle and go through the podium and slide across the floor. But, i didn't know what humiliation was yet.
Next he told them what was wrong with me. He began with how skinny i was, pointing out my ribs and hip bones. Then he went on to how i'd obviously been mistreated. He pointed out scar after scar, even smacking my legs apart and pointing at my mutilated clit. No one ever noticed that! I was so humiliated. I could have died. I knew i was going to burst into flames. Then the bidding started.
Benny bid on me for as long as he could. John frowned at him but Edward smiled. If Benny won me back Edward could at least charge him rental for house space for me. But eventually, Benny couldn't keep up anymore.

Raven screamed at 10:42 AM

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Monday, August 21, 2006

Benny Powerless 

For clarity, this happened after this post.

John was sitting on the edge of the pool table and Lindy was attending his lower member. He motioned me over.
“We are taking you to auction.”
“What?”
“We are taking you to auction. What are you, fucking deaf?”
I tried to form the question without using any forbidden words like but or why. I could only stand there looking at him like an idiot and opening and closing my mouth. Finally before i could commit a real sin, Benny grabbed my arm and drug me away to the back room slamming the heavy metal door behind us. Automatically i walked to the center of the room and held my arms up for the chains there.
He gave me a scathing look and shooed me to the back of the room and the stash he kept back there. I watched him roll the joint after lacing it with something that i didn't care about. At that moment i would have let him fix me.
“Its only for a month Raven. John wanted to sell you outright but i argued for you and you are a damn fine earner. Probably the best we've ever had. Edward loves John, but he loves money more. You stay. It'll probably be just like the other times. You'll go to DC or Baltimore or New York a while. This time will just be longer.” He fired the joint and passed it to me. I took a deep drag and exhaled slowly, letting the smoke clog my lungs and cloud my brain. I passed it back with a trembling hand.
“That's not all. You have to go visit your Granddaddy. Jackson will take you.”
i shook my head in stubborn negation. Sold i could handle. Killed i could handle. Forced to see Granddaddy? That i could not handle.
“Can't you do something?”
He looked at me sadly. He shook his head. He held his hair back and showed me his maimed ear.
“Raven, does it look like I can do anything?”

Raven screamed at 10:53 AM

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Friday, August 18, 2006

Working On It 

i can't seem to dig deep lately. Everything is surface. A dream, a snatch of memory, a brief fleeting glance. i don't know why. Everything hurts worse lately. Probably just because i'm edgy lately. i'm sure i'll settle. But in the meantime i can't seem to write. And, i'm missing the outlet. i feel like a pressure cooker that isn't having its steam let off. i'll work on it.

Raven screamed at 3:18 PM

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Shrieking Into The Abyss 

i tried to scream loud enough to make my Granny hear me one time. i screamed and screamed. The chain at my throat would tighten and tears welled in my eyes and spilled down my cheeks. Exertion left me exhausted and panting and still my shrieks went unanswered. Then i couldn't reach my water. i lay in misery until he pulled the door open hours later and said he had heard me. His hearing was always good.

Then i really screamed.

Raven screamed at 3:11 PM

 3 comments

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Winning and Losing 

my hair was across my face and i couldn't see anything. i felt the familiar stabbing between my legs and its accompanying thrusting and grunting and moaning. i made the required noises, squeezed the right muscles, rocked my hips. i turned my head to the side and stared into the souless eyes of the girl next to me. She was doing the same thing i was doing. i could tell. Neither of the men above of us noticed. Our handlers would have been satisfied with our performance, but i saw right through her. i saw her see through me.
Her eyes narrowed and she tried to out perform me. The race was on.

But, in the end, who would really win?

Raven screamed at 5:59 PM

 2 comments

Monday, August 14, 2006

Her Name 

i lay awake at night sometimes thinking of Kayla. i wonder what happened to her. Is she out of the game, just past her 30th birthday, chasing kids and living with her demons? Did Ricky sell her and the child? What became of her.
i'll never know.
i like to think of her living a life of PTA and puppies. The sweet little dream she whispered in a cramped room we waited to die in. Somehow my imagination won't conjure it. i only see more of the same. She probably sees the same for me if she looks.

What bothers me most... i never even knew her real name. my sister, lover, best friend, confidant, protector and confessor. i suppose her name doesn't matter.

Raven screamed at 11:13 PM

 2 comments

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The Amazing Gingerbread Girl: Vanessa 

Vanessa has run her whole life. Run from everything. She's been married three times, had a dozen more serious relationships on the side and in between. She's run from reality to drugs and from drugs to church from God to men she thought were bad. She periodically packs up all of her shit and just runs away. Usually to here.
She doesn't know what she's running from or running to only that she must run and so she does. She does incredibly impulsive things and hurts herself and everyone around her without meaning to a lot. Then she curls into a ball and cries like a broken child, because she would never purposefully hurt a fly, much less those she loves. Only the run in her makes her do so.

Only lately Vanessa has tried to stop and face it. If it doesn't do for her, her run may be over. Sometimes i think it will do for her. She doesn't know how to be still. A butterfly will fly until its wings are in tatters. So will Vanessa i fear.

Raven screamed at 9:44 PM

 1 comments

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Other Paths: Marcie 

So... i've been thinking of how my life has turned out and how it could have turned out. The big 3-0 approaches and i think i am happier than i had any right to expect to be. i have a man who loves me to bits, a home that is mine and is safe even if it is a bit of a dump. No one can take it from us we own it. We don't have much, but what we do have we got on our own and we don't owe anybody a damn thing. i haven't had to lay on my back for anyone in a damn long time and the man i'm with would never ask me to. To quote a man i admire, "Life is sweet." (Go read Buffalo.)
But, i feel like i've been fortunate. What happens when you go down another path in your adult life? What happens when you feel like you don't deserve love and you run straight into the arms of a man who will profess it as he treats you like shit. You end up like my sister, Marcie. Marcie with the scars of her husband's fists and boots. Marcie who has lived the past four months without electricity because her husband's beer and drugs come before the bills. Marcie breaks my heart because she honestly thinks she deserves this treatment. Granddaddy broke something fine and proud and noble in Marcie, you can see it in pictures of her. Drugs took the rest. And, the man who came before her husband. He pimped her out for drugs. He wasn't a real pimp, a real player, but he still had Marcie down on her knees for profit. Its not a sunny feeling.
So Marcie is on a path that to me looks a lot like hell. Tomorrow we'll look at Vanessa.

Raven screamed at 5:36 PM

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

What Do You Think? 

i've been reading and rereading the posts i wrote about the girls whose names i knew that died. i can't decide if i'm remembering them well by leaving their posts up or doing them a disservice by leaving up something way too graphic. i just don't know. Their deaths are raw for me. Harsh and raw and bitter and i tell them exactly as i remember them not pulling back an inch. When i wrote them i thought i would not pull back on their deaths as i usually do because... it was their death. They deserved for you to know.
But, now i think maybe i've told too much. i've smeared their last painful moments out like messy finger paints. i don't know. i'm questioning myself. And, yet, i can't bring myself to pull them. i can't take their names away. Messy they may be, but they are remembered.
So i ask you, my readers. What do you think? They are mostly here. Should i pull them and let them rest forgotten? Or should i leave them, their memorial messy but at least done with love and the best of intentions if not perfect execution?

Raven screamed at 9:19 PM

 6 comments

Monday, August 07, 2006

Who i am 

i've been thinking about how people who read this page see me. And, what they see is a victim. But, that's not all there is to me. There is so much more. There is a woman who laughs at herself when she fucks up, a woman who goes out to the grocery store in her pjs from time to time. A woman who gets down on her luck and goes back to what she knows and does phone sex or sells sex toys til she pulls her family out of the hole. A woman who knows she learned to give the best damn blowjob any man has ever had and takes pride in it. In short a woman who was able to take some good things away from that time in my life. A woman who learned to survive and make the best of her life.

A woman who is funny and friendly if you'll just hit that email me button.

J calls me angel and i like that name but i am by no means a saint. i did some dirty greasy shit during my time, you can't survive and not. i betrayed Benny, i hurt other girls feelings horribly, i was violent, i fucked up time and again. i projected my shit onto other people and i was just... mean sometimes. i did the best i could, but you know what, it wasn't always good enough.

So anyway, there is a little about who i am. Please feel free to email me. Thanks to those who do. i really appreciate it, you get me thinking in new directions a lot and that's a really cool thing.

Raven screamed at 6:46 PM

 11 comments

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Vacationing From Shit 

i just needed a vacation from this shit. Sometimes it gets to be too much. i had to step away from it for a while. This thing with JH has brought up a lot of shit for me. i just needed to chill for a while. i'll be back next week.

Raven screamed at 6:48 PM

 1 comments