Thursday, June 29, 2006

Scat! 

The next time was worse. The time after that worse still. i began to hate the animals because i knew they would only die and i would have to watch. i tried to run them off. i tried dragging their food away from the porch. When i was caught at it there was hell to pay. Hell that went on down in the basement.
Yet i couldn't stop trying. Marcie bought me a watergun and i sprayed the cats and kittens that wandered into the yard mercilessly. Go away. Run. Save yourself. But, it was like trying to bail out a yacht with a tablespoon. They came anyway. They came in droves. And, they died. It began to peak around the time my Granny broke her hip and i was left alone with my grandfather.

Raven screamed at 11:39 PM

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Wednesday, June 28, 2006

God Said... 

Yeah, sorry, i missed yesterday, it was an extremely shitty day and i just didn't feel like it. Today isn't much better, but, you know, i'm not going to let things slide totally.

So, at any rate, he first killed something while i watched after this post. i didn't react well. i still hadn't learned well enough that my only defense was a mask and that stoicism was my best friend.
i screamed, i pleaded, i promised impossible things. It just lengthened the kitten's suffering and drawn out it's death. It was pitiful and pitiable. And, i was powerless. When it finally lay dead and lifeless i was glad. Glad its suffering was over and jealous it had escaped. And, oh so guilty. For it was all my fault.
He told me so. And, he was my God. Had i not asked for anything. Had i not asked to see the kittens, had i not been a dirty whore with cock in my mouth he wouldn't have had to kill the baby kitty. God said it and i believed.

Raven screamed at 6:07 PM

 2 comments

Monday, June 26, 2006

The Killings ~ Beginning 

First of all, thank you all for your supportive comments about Thursday's post. That is a major roadblock for me, and i really appreciate your help.

Okay, i decided the cat killing and bird stabbing wasn't so trivial after all.

i've mentioned in the past that my Granny loved animals. She had a large number of them and also fed all the strays in the neighborhood. It looked like a damn zoo or something. A page from poor white trash magazine.

When my Granddaddy realized that it bothered me to see things die, be began the killings.

Raven screamed at 5:34 PM

 2 comments

Friday, June 23, 2006

It All Started 

His hands must once have truly been something to behold. They were broad, he could easily cup things in one hand my father used two to handle. Arthritis had twisted his joints but his fingers were still long, powerful, and covered by thick pads of callous. His skin was papery thin yet leathery at the same time. And, no amount of damage inflicted with tiny fists, fingernails, or teeth ever phased him. Piss him off? Yes. Derail him from his course of action? Never. He quickly taught his pet the futility of fighting back, and she only did so when swept away by a wave of incomprehensible rage too huge and strong to control.
And, then for a few seconds the tiny pet felt such a surge of joy. Seeing the beast bested, if only for a moment was a wonderful thing. But, then she paid. Paid so bad it was not worth. It was there she quickly learned that fighting is pointless and stupid. Easier, better, smarter, to be easy. To be good. To at least try to curry favor.
Which had an effect on everything that came after. It all started there. It all started with the chain around that little girl's throat. And, from there... it just kept twisting and turning.

Raven screamed at 5:51 PM

 2 comments

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

No Pity 

i've been circling my grandfather. Trying to find a way to talk about it that doesn't drive me mad and actually says something. i'm having a hard time. i don't know what to say. i'm not ready to enter that basement yet, it does more harm than good. So, something outside of it is what i need to concentrate on. But most of that is graphic too. And, inevitably every time i write any of those posts i get pity. And, i can't cope with pity. i don't want pity. It was what it was. i'll pick up the pieces and i'll fit them back together and move on. Only please don't feel sorry for me. i hate that with a passion. Empathy i can deal with. i can relate, i can deal with. That's fucked up and shouldn't have happened, i can deal with. But, no pity. For the love of god, tomorrow, if i'm able to start talking, no pity.

Raven screamed at 11:19 PM

 10 comments

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Sometimes 

On lucky days, Granny would win. Before she broke her hip she usually did. She made it back in the house first, and i would be safe behind her by the time Granddaddy came in holding whatever body part she had injured with her cane and looking like he'd like to kill us both but didn't dare.
On the unlucky ones he got into the house first and snatched me from the nest i'd made shaking me and screaming about how much hell "that crazy old bitch would raise." And, i would pay.
It was a hell of a gamble. But, sometimes it was worth it.

Raven screamed at 11:38 PM

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Monday, June 19, 2006

Flower Beds 

i used to hide in Granny's flowers from Granddaddy. He knew i hid there, but i was so tiny and her flowers so lush that he couldn't find me. He would drink until he got to a drunken rage and then start tearing up her flowers. And, i would whisper my prayer that she would hear. Sometimes she would. Sometimes she would come out of the house, dragging her weight behind her walker with her cane in the basket on the front of it.
"Bobby! You son of a bitch! Are you tearing up my flowers again?"
And, while they fought i would have time to slip around the side of the house and into Granny's bed.
But, sometimes she was either too sick to fight with him about it, or too knocked out by her medication to hear.

Raven screamed at 8:50 PM

 2 comments

Saturday, June 17, 2006

An Answer i Didn't Want To Hear 

So in this post Pearl said that i always got the most fucked up tricks. And, she was right. i did always get the most weird sick fucks. Guys who were normal with the other girls in the house turned into twisted demented psychos with me.
i had noticed this way before Pearl said anything and had gone to John.
"What's wrong with me?"
"What do you mean? Nothings wrong with you, you are about the best earner in the house and you don't even live here."
"No, i mean why do i make all the guys act so fucking sick?"
He sighed. He pulled me into his lap.
"Raven, baby, all the girls are fucked up. We don't want them if they aren't fucked up, they'd cause too much trouble. But you are bad fucked up. But, its in a way men like. You are probably the most fucked up girl I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot. You'll probably self destruct. But, if you don't, we'll sell you for a fortune. Benny loves you, so I'll find you a man that's good to you when he's not using you. You'll make a great pet."
"So its my fault they go crazy."
"Yeah, but you can't help it. Your crazy brings out their crazy."
"Am i nasty?"
"No, honey. You are just so much fun to kick. You aren't nasty, but you think you are, and it hurts you so much. You loose all dignity. You come in scared but calm, and in no time they break you. Who can resist that?"
"You do."
"Benny loves you. I lay off you because I let him have you. Sometimes I regret it. But, if I played with you all the time, you'd almost definitely kill yourself. And, you're worth too much money."
He twisted my nipple until i squirmed and i felt him harden under my lap.
"Now go away, go away before I play with you. Get the fuck away from me, Raven. You are a temptation I don't need right now."

Raven screamed at 6:53 PM

 3 comments

Friday, June 16, 2006

Taken Down 

i was cooperative. Meek. Jimmy was rough and i could taste my own blood, but this was nothing i couldn't handle. But, when he drug me up from the rock and said, "Come on, cunt, I want some pussy too," something deep inside me awoke. Something angry. Something that wanted blood.
Thinking me broken and obedient he hadn't bothered to restrain my arms, but was simply dragging me by my hair. It was difficult with my head bent at such an odd angle but i managed a fairly decent right hook that knocked him off balance and he let go my hair. Taking advantage of his temporary weakness i kicked his knees as hard as i could and he hit the ground like a ton of bricks.
Then i made a run for it. i reached the first step when Jerry caught me and i turned and headbutted him as hard as i could. He grabbed his face in agony, and staggered backwards. Tommy stood at the bottom of the steps and stared at me. Our eyes met for a moment, and then i turned to run again. He made no move to come after me. On the third step, what I knew would happen did. my foot caught in one of the oddly placed grooves and the slippery moss sent me sliding. On the second step i managed to catch hold of the third and i was struggling to get up when agony erupted in my back. i was so wrapped up in the pain of being kicked square in the kidney by Jimmy's boot that i barely noticed when he grabbed my ankle and drug me down the steps drawing blood on my face, neck, chest, and stomach.
At the bottom he drug me a bit along the rocky path and then flipped me onto my back. Straddling me he spit in my face and then punched me in along my cheekbone.
"You fucking bitch! You hit me! You kicked me!"
He punched me in the eye.
"You're gonna regret. Oh, bitch, you done fucked up. Fucked up bad."
He stood up.
"Get up and get over there on that fucking picnic table."
i shook my head. He kicked me in the ribs.
"Now."
i shook my head. He kicked me in the stomach. i doubled up and puked. He walked around behind me and kicked me in the kidney again, the other one this time. And, i screamed. And, at the sound of my own screams, the fight went out of me.
i rolled over onto my hands and knees and started crawling towards the picnic table. It was a long crawl. Every few feet he would kick me again in the ribs, the back of the thigh, the bicep. Finally i made it to the picnic table but i couldn't stand up.
"Bitch, get up there, now. You got a bill to pay. Do it now, goddamn it."
i tried. i fell back in the dirt on my ass and the pain took my breathe. Tommy grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet. When my breathe caught again he looked away.
"I thought you didn't give a fuck, you pussy," Jimmy sneered.
"Its one thing take a piece of pussy, its another to beat on her like that, you asshole."
"Does that mean you don't want anymore?"
"No, it just means I want you to quit fucking hitting her."
"I might, I might not. Right now I'm gonna tear her up so bad the only hole you two are gonna get any satisfaction from is her mouth."
Jimmy turned his attention back to me. "If you wanna keep those clothes, strip."
i pulled my shirt off and threw it as far as i could, i didn't want it to get trampled, or used to wipe off on. my bra was easy too. i was barefoot, as always, so that was easy. i unbuttoned my jeans and got them down to my knees but my kidneys screamed too loud to let me pull them off. i used my feet to stomp them off then picked them up with my toes and flung them in the same direction as shirt and bra. i didn't bother fucking with the panties. Let him rip them off, it hurt too much and i didn't care.
He backhanded me, busting my nose this time, but by now i was ready for him. i only stood there, my eyes fixed on his chin, waiting to be told what to do. i knew it would be awful to try to give blowjobs when the blood in my nose crusted and i couldn't breath through it, but there was no use worrying about it.
"Turn around and lean over the table"
i did. It was totally unnecessary but he had Tommy and Jerry each hold one of my arms and proceeded to rape me. Both places. He wore a condom, wasn't really very large and i still had the ability to cut my body off. But my lack of screaming and crying seemed to anger him. After he reached his second orgasm Jerry was ready for his turn, but instead Jimmy began beating my face into the table. That's probably when i got the concussion. And, the broken cheekbone.
Tommy tried to stop him.
"That's enough, dammit. She's letting you do it now. She's not resisting at all. Why are you beating her now?"
Jimmy punched Tommy in the face twice. Tommy shut up. He stood staring at me for a few minutes. The he turned around and walked away.
Jerry wanted me on my back. He wanted another blowjob. But, he couldn't stand to look at the mess Jimmy had made of my face. He flipped me back over and fucked me in the ass. When he came he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, "I'm real sorry about all this. You weren't supposed to get hurt."
Then Jimmy crawled on my chest and fucked my throat. i couldn't breath and i had to fight not to panic but to use my tongue, stay cooperative and get him off. Watching that must have gotten Jerry hard because while Jimmy was still in my throat i felt Jerry maneuver me into a position so he could get into my pussy. They fucked in tandem. Jimmy finished first, and again when Jerry finished, he leaned forward and whispered his apology.
Jimmy stood considering, his cock flaccid between his legs. i kept my eyes on the table and tried to look defeated. It wasn't too hard. i felt defeated. But, it wasn't enough. Something he saw in me pissed him off again and before i knew it he had my hair pinned to the table with his knees and was punching me in the stomach, ribs, sides, breasts, my entire torso.
Jerry laid a hand on Jimmy's arm.
"Dude! If you kill her we are all fucked. What the fuck? So she tried to get away. Get the hell over it. If you had stuck to the plan it would have been her word against ours. Now look at her, she has obviously been fucked up. Think man. That's all I'm saying. Think."
"What if I just kill her."
"Tommy will never go for it. And, don't even say it, man. That guy is my cousin, my blood. I'd kill you first. Take you one more turn, then we are leaving. Go a little easier on her. I know she pissed you off, man, but, damn. She's paid for it. Way too much. I can't look at her no more. Maybe she'll be better after we clean her up, but I can't look at her no more. And she was a pretty girl too." He shook his head and walked off in the same direction Tommy had, leaving me alone with Jimmy.
"Roll over"
i did. He punched me in the kidneys a while. i guess he had found my weakness. i know my screams must have echoed through the woods for a while. Then he bit me, a long held fear of mine. He took chunks out of my breasts and back and thighs and outer lip of my vagina. Then shallow cuts with his pocket knife all over me, particularly along my throat, each time he promised that he would kill me this time. Finally he ended the violence by blacking my other eye for me and then he jacked off on me. He pulled me roughly off the table hitting my head on the stone bench connected to it and knocking me out.
The next thing i remember Tommy and Jerry were carrying me to the river. i asked tiredly if they meant to drown me and if they did if they would knock me out first. Tommy looked away. Jerry said they were only going to clean me up. He promised me another buzz.
The rest of the story doesn't really matter. Jimmy planned to do it again. Tommy wasn't man enough to stand up to him, but he did help me escape. i had to spend some time in the hospital and then hide out in a hotel a while so no one saw me. By the time i came back, it was widely known that i'd been gang banged by the three of them and had loved it. People around here still talk about it from time to time.
Iris, Vanessa, Marcie, and Jenny know that Tommy raped me. That he gang raped me. They are still friends with him. This surprises me not at all.

Raven screamed at 3:21 PM

 10 comments

Thursday, June 15, 2006

It Starts 

After driving around a while longer, smoking a bit more weed, and the three of them finally giving me half a bottle of Jim Beam which i drained, they decided it wasn't fair that Jimmy didn't get any. It was also fucked up that Tommy and Jerry had to settle for sex in a moving car. They want more. So the take me to the river. To one of my favorite swimming holes.
I resisted when Tommy tried to make me get out of the car and he got a firm grip on my arm and dragged me out. i fell to my knees and stared up at him, unable to comprehend that this person could be the same person as my friend Tommy.
He looked huge, standing at the top of the stairs, looking down at me. "You gonna be a good girl for them?" i ignored him, pretended not to hear him. He tripped me. i looked up at him and he repeated his question. i looked away.
"I'm talking to you."
i nodded without looking at him and he laughed. He reached down and helped me up then led me down the steps by the hand.
They were right behind me. About halfway down i staggered and Jimmy grabbed me by the hair to steady me. But, it scared me and i panicked and thrashed.
"What the fuck is wrong with you, you dumb bitch?" Tommy demanded.
i shook my head. At the bottom we moved to the stone slab. i sat on a rock and looked for my cigarettes. i didn't have them. Jerry handed me one of his and then lit it for me and i blushed thinking of Jesse. i couldn't help wondering if they knew about that.
We smoked a bowl. Jimmy told me he wanted one of my good blow jobs. i pretended not to hear him.
i could tell he was pissed, but i was really afraid of what might happen if they decided to fuck me down there. There were three of them and they had more freedom to move around. i knew i couldn't get away. The steps were slick and steep and shaped funny and they'd have caught me in no time.
Tommy laughed at Jimmy and sat behind me so that i was between his legs. He kissed my neck and ran his hands over my tits. i felt my face flame with humiliation and i stiffened. Jimmy walked around and unzipped his jeans. His dick was stuck in my face.
"Go on, suck it." Tommy says, winding his hands in my hair. i started to whimper and twist my head away.
Suddenly Jimmy backhanded me hard, busting my mouth.
"Goddammit! What the fuck did you do that for?" Tommy yelled.
But, i had been taken by fear by then and i was sucking Jeff. Trying very hard to please him. He didn't bother to answer.

Raven screamed at 10:52 PM

 2 comments

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

In The Car ~ The Easy Part 

The night of the party i picked Tommy up around 6. i was fresh showered, wearing cute jeans and a cut off tank top. We smoked a bowl and left. i let him drive. i had taught him to drive a straight and so he liked to drive my car every chance he got.
i gave him my dope to hold when we got there. i knew someone might take it away from me and i trusted Tommy. We went our separate ways. i got totally fucked up and was sitting and talking to a young guy named Jamian. Tommy came and said they wanted to go do something. i protested, he insisted. i remember Jamian saying, "poor ______" (did he know?)
i went. All three guys crowded into the front seat. i sat in the back, totally fucked up. Tommy said "Give Jerry a blowjob." i refused. "Give Jimmy a blowjob." i refused. Move cajoling, more refusal.
We drove around. We stopped to pack a bowl. Smoked it. Packed another. Tommy got in the back with me. i kinda fell over on him. Said i was sorry and pulled away. He said it was okay and pulled my upper body into his lap. Soon he was trying to put his dick in my mouth. (It was huge. i haven't said this before, but Tommy had a really big cock.) i did it. i didn't want to but figured it was easier that way.
i was sucking him and i noticed Jerry looking at me. He said he wished he was getting a blowjob. He climbed into the back seat. i whined and Tommy got his hand in my hair and rammed his whole cock into my throat.
Gagging and choking, i quit resisting. Jerry took my jeans and panties off.
"Slide up on your knees," Tommy commanded. i pretended not to hear him. He choked me again until i thought i would pass out. When Jerry pushed me up i didn't resist, by started to whimper and beg. Jerry started to fuck me and Tommy forced his cock back in my throat. At some point they switched around and forced me to turn with my head in Jerry's lap and Tommy started fucking me. Hard. i was spacing in and out from the pain and the humiliation. i had to claw my hands into fists that caused fingernails to draw blood to keep from crying.
"Give Jerry a blowjob," he ordered. i didn't comply. He fucked me harder. i took Jerry's limp cock into my mouth and sucked it. Tommy asked Jerry if i was sucking him. Jerry buried his hands in my hair and thrust his hips forward. "Oh yeah." Tommy laughed. One more hard thrust, then he said, "I'll take it easy on you then."
He stopped being so punishing but was still hurting me pretty bad. i whimpered and Jerry let me up a little. i moaned that Tommy was hurting me, that i couldn't stand it. They laughed and Jerry forced his dick back in my mouth. Sometime later they were done.
They let me get dressed and gave me a beer and we smoked a bowl. Tommy and Jerry fondled me idly while i sat frozen . Then Tommy told Jimmy to pull over.
Tommy and Jerry got back in the front. i rocked quietly in the back seat. It was supposed to be my wedding night. i thought about J. i longed for him and the safety and security he represented. i heard them talking about me. i heard Jerry say something like "Well, she's your old lady." and Tommy laughed and said no we're just friends with a nasty emphasis on the word.
If only i had gotten up the night before. If only i hadn't let him think i wanted to be with him. i didn't. We were just friends... i thought he might make a decent fuck buddy, but that was it. i hated me, i hated my stupidity. And, i hated the fact that i had become such a wimp. How could i have let such as this bring me so low. How had i come to this. Where was the girl who could so stoically take anything dished out, and gather her courage enough to run. That girl was apparently out to lunch.

Raven screamed at 4:10 PM

 9 comments

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Heavy Thoughts 

Turned out Tommy knew where there was supposed to be a killer party that night. One of the best of the summer. He was supposed to go with two friends but he'd tell them he was coming with me and that he'd meet up with them there. i was infinitely cooler, he said. Fuck 'em he said.
The night before the party seriously contemplated suicide. How could i go on without J? i looked at how i was living my life and knew it wasn't worth living. Tommy came along (he lived right across from Vanessa) while i was sitting in my car thinking about going to my mother's house and getting my little pink pearl handled pistol and blowing out my brains. He leaned in the car window and said "Whoa you thinking heavy thoughts."
"Yeah."
"So why don't you come back to my place and drive them away, I got a new song you gotta hear. Funny as fuck."
So i got out of the car and walked back to his place with him. We got trashed and ended up in bed together again. But, i was just tired and wrung out and i fell asleep. And, that fucked everything all up.

Raven screamed at 9:08 AM

 1 comments

Monday, June 12, 2006

Out Of Bounds - Again 

So, technically, this shouldn't be here. This is supposed to be the story of my life before J. But, this is kind of my life without J. We broke up in 1996 for about three months when i called off our wedding 6 days before it was to take place. (Men are so touchy!) Not shockingly, he was a bit pissed and kicked my ass to the curb. i moved in with Vanessa and her ex husband who partied constantly and tried to "get high enough that i can forget his name even for a second." To say i was devastated is a huge understatement. Although i had done it to myself, that didn't make it any less painful. i was 19 years old, i just wasn't ready to get married. i was scared. Scared i didn't deserve him. Scared that i wouldn't be allowed to get married. Scared of throwing away the necklace. Scared of so many things. Just scared. i chickened out and then i was so heart broken. Life without J was not worth living.
i stayed stoned out of my mind perpetually. i got drunk every single solitary day. i snorted enough coke that my nose bled constantly. Every chance i got i chased me some colors. And, as always my happy little friends soothed my heart. i took enough pills to float a battleship.

When that wasn't enough i went back to what i knew. i started fucking all the guys around me. i felt like i owed it to them. If a guy wanted to use me, i didn't belong to anybody anymore, and that's what i was good for, so i gave it to them. i was with a different guy most every night, but the same guy a few times. None of them meant anything to me or me to any of them. i was still desperately in love with J, and the sex was just part of who i am.

i had a good friend during this time, Tommy. We slept together a couple of times, but we never let that affect our friendship. i always got up and went home as soon as we were done fucking with a casual see you later that let both of us know that the sex meant zero. He had just broken up with a girlfriend that he was pretty broken up over as well. We spent hours at the river getting drunk and stoned and talking about J and his ex.

As what should have been my wedding night approached Tommy promised me something special to take my mind off of it. He'd be my buddy. We'd do something.

What a great friend, huh?

Raven screamed at 11:43 PM

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Friday, June 09, 2006

Bitch Slap 

The trunk was already popped and i grabbed the clear plastic that Ricky favored and hurriedly tucked it over his back seat with practiced ease. i jumped in and slammed the door and tucked myself into a little plastic encased ball, dropping boots and clothes into the floorboard, not really giving a shit about the bloody finger prints i had left of them.
Ricky glanced up at me and recoiled in genuine horror. "Jesus Christ! Do you need George?"
"No it isn't my blood, let's just get the fuck out of here. Drive."
He turned to face me.
"Raven, what have you done? Is that guy dead? Do I need to page John?"
"No, the fucker is fine. He's satisfied. i did my job. i've got the money. Fucking DRIVE!"
He looked at me very carefully for another moment or two and recoiled again from whatever he saw in my eyes and turned and pulled the car out of the driveway. i relaxed back into my protective ball. i huddled and pulled the tablecloth tight around me, willing it away. It didn't happen, i told myself. i chanted it over and over again.
A voice broke my into my thoughts. "You fucking stink."
"Fuck you Pearl."
"You nasty bitch, ever notice you always get the most fucked up tricks?"
And, there went the bucket down into the lake of poison, and my fist shot out and smashed her mouth. Drying flecks of cat blood mixed with the fresh blood that began to pour from her torn lips.
She grabbed her mouth and said, "Oh you bitch, I'm going to tell John and you are going to pay!"
"Tell John! Do you think he gives a fuck about you anymore? Your cunt is so loose you are about half a step from being out on the street turning tricks for 50 bucks a pop. Oh wait, i forgot, you aint earning much more than that now are you? When was the last time you were in John's bed that Lindy wasn't there too? When was the last time John stuck his cock anywhere but up your ass? Your mouth aint got no talent and your cunt won't suck or snap, hell its so loose most guys can't even touch the sides. i'm worth five times what you are and i'm in the house a tenth of the time you are. So go ahead you worthless bitch. Go tell John."
Tears welled in her eyes and she turned from me and looked out the window. Later i would feel really bad. A month or so later George would fix her vagina. At the moment, all i felt was vindictive pleasure. Someone else was hurting too. Good. i wanted the whole fucking world to hurt and feel as nasty as i did.
She never told John. And, if she had... i probably would have been right.

Raven screamed at 9:59 AM

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Thursday, June 08, 2006

Sick Shit 

i'm seriously considering moving all my shit to wordpress or typepad or fucking something. Blogger has annoyed the absolute living hell out of me lately. i write it, but its not truely out until i post it here. i need it out of me. i need here. i need it chained. And, blogger is seriously fucking this process up. i tried to post yesterday five fucking times. When you consider the small amount of time to myself i have at this point and how much of it blogger ate up yesterday it rather makes me want to scream. Or kick the shit out of something. This week's time line is totally fucked. I'm just going to combine yesterday with today. If that is blogger will let me even post this. It took me about 30 minutes of constant fucking with it to get a post published on If. i want to post on Always His angel today too, but i don't know if i have the energy to fuck with blogger again. This is bullshit.

Mark's kink was animals. Not me and animals, him and animals. Small ones. He'd fuck a cat or a small dog til he killed it. That first time i watched in horror as he held a small declawed orange tabby cat against a sofa cushion and fucked it to shreds. i felt in such sympathy for it. i had felt like so many of them were doing that to me. It's struggles and screams weakened and finally it laid limp and lifeless, it's eyes glazed as he ejaculated into its corpse.
i closed my eyes and remembered all the animals i watched my grandfather kill when i didn't cooperate with him. i remembered the he'd made me stab. my head was spinning. i was fighting not to gag. And, the worst was yet to come.

Mark ordered me to get naked while he cut the cat up. In a daze i found myself naked on the floor next the cat pieces. He smeared me in the blood head to foot and wanted me to masturbate to orgasm. On no planet was i ever going to reach orgasm after this shit, but of course that was no problem, i knew how to make that look convincing. The only problem was i was so damn freaked out that i kept spacing in and out and freaking the fuck out. But, this just made things even better for Mark. Shortly after i deemed it long enough and reached my manufactured orgasm he reached his second and jacked off on my face.

He refused to let me clean up. When Ricky and Pearl arrived to pick me up, i wrapped myself in a plastic table cloth and ran for the car gagging.

Raven screamed at 1:34 PM

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Clearer 

This was written yesterday. It should have been posted yesterday. i've changed the date on it so it will archive like it was posted yesterday. But, yesterday blogger was being a bitch, and i had to time or patience for it so i said fuck and went about my business. Today's post will be posted later today provided that blogger is not ragging.


Mark was one of those men. If John or Benny dropped me off, it was fairly straight up. Maybe some light bondage. A half and half. Straight up on the kitchen table or the washing machine. Easy money.
And, while i was still being dropped off it was hard to get a read on his kink. Sometimes i thought he got off on banging Suzy Highschool, because sometimes he asked me about school. Other times I though perhaps he liked paying for it because he always made a mini production about giving me the money. At the time i thought he was just being i don't know... naive and sort of a dork's idea of gentlemanly.
Then came the day that Benny was on a collection, there were several girls to deliver and Mark's house was close enough to Pearl's client to walk from. Things became clearer.

Raven screamed at 10:39 AM

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Monday, June 05, 2006

Pretty Plaything 

There was a comfort in working with the other girls. Even when it was hard, knowing another girl like you sweated and strained and writhed close by was a comfort. Fucked up? Yes, totally. But, its true.
For me the worst hell was always walking alone into a client’s home (not a hotel or a seedy motel, that was neutral ground, as much my territory as theirs) for the first time with no idea of what their kink was. They all had a kink of some sort. Even if it was only paying for a whore or fucking a girl young enough to be their daughter or their granddaughter.
It was always alone that the wildcards came out of the deck and the freaks dropped all their masks and let the boogie men that lived in their souls glide free. For the most part their was safety in numbers and safety in them seeing your handler drop you off. For many of them it was only when you appeared alone, unattended that they could really get into the fantasy that you were no longer human but instead a pretty plaything whose only purpose was to amuse them.

Raven screamed at 8:05 PM

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Friday, June 02, 2006

The Game 

He put two bullets in the six bullet chamber of his gun. i rolled the condom down over his cock and climbed astride him. i rode him as skillfully as all my training and years of experience had taught me. He kept the gun pressed against my heart as I did. Every three minutes a little alarm by his head gave a single shrill beep and he pulled the trigger.
That first time he pulled the trigger twice before I coaxed his orgasm from him.
After the game he treated me like a princess. He called me Raven again. He took me out and bought me nice clothes I could go out into public in without squirming in shame. He took me to dinner, bought me cds, took me to the movies and finally took me back to Edward's. There he paid the fee and gave me a very generous tip which he insisted to Edward that i be allowed to keep. He threatened to never shop there again and went so far as to threaten to let slip with certain men that Edward's girls had venereal disease. i was allowed to keep the tip.

i played the game eight more times. I guess it just wasn't my time to go.

Raven screamed at 3:16 PM

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Thursday, June 01, 2006

Then Beg 

He smiled at me, a gaze i returned but inwardly winced from.
"My goodness, my little cunt, I think you are the best playmate I've ever had. I hope you are skilled. Are you skilled?"
"Yes." No use in lying or false modesty or any form of pretense.
"Can you cry or have you been robbed of that?"
"I can fake it for you."
"No, my little cunt- I love the way you flinch when I say that- I want you genuine. Now, what is it that your tricks, Johns, er," he floundered.
"Clients," I supplied.
"Yes, of course," he laughed merrily. "Clients. What do your clients sometimes do that you hate the very most. And, why do you hate it?"
I bit my lip and thought. I hate it all of it it. What was the worst? What made my skin crawl? Why the fuck was I trying so hard to help this man hurt me?
"They lick my face. I don't know why I hate it so bad," I shrugged. "Its disgusting."
"Then beg me to lick your face. Crawl over here like a good cunt and beg me to run my tongue all over your dirty little face."
So i did. And, he did.
And, finally, it was enough.
Time to play the game.

Raven screamed at 12:49 PM

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