Thursday, June 30, 2005

Penence 

i was in disgrace. John's eyes were hard as nails when he looked at me. i was due at Mr. Catlette's and so he couldn't attend to me much then. But, he refused to give me any Daddy's Little Helpers. So for the first time i had to go and face my own private hell without my crutch.Later, tied face down on the little canopy bed Mr. Catlette had bought just for me, i endured by calling April's sweet face to my mind. As the lashes ripped my flesh and whatever he was shoving into my ass ripped me open i berated myself for a traitor. i screamed at myself, my grandfather's words playing in my mind. Eventually the pain broke through even this and the voices in my head melded with the voice of the man torturing me. When next i woke, i was in the back basement room at Edward's house. my toes just brushed the dirty concrete floor and my wrists and shoulders held my weight suspended from the ceiling. John sat on a stool in front of me, a pair of pliers and a modified extension cord in his lap. He looked as though he had been sitting there a while."Ah, are you back now?" he asked.i nodded my head, my eyes locked on the items in his lap. i trembled."If you leave, if send some little girl to come and take your place, i swear to god, you will wish you were never born. Do you understand me?"i nodded again. i was unsure what he was talking about. At that point i had no idea what was wrong with me... but i figured he meant that i couldn't find the hole in an object and escape through it.

Raven screamed at 6:41 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, June 29, 2005

Shameful Behavior 

Soon after i started back to work from my ribs... i broke a cardinal rule of the house. i begged John not to make me go to Mr. Catlette's. i knew better. i knew i was making a horrible mistake. But, i couldn't seem to stop myself. From somewhere around my navel, i listened to my voice pleading with John, and promising the moon and stars if only he would not make me go. Just this once.Some detached part of me noted the pinched look his face took on, and the way his shoulders rose defensively. But, all sense of self preservation was gone. This was craven, broken begging. i was horrified with myself. And, yet i didn't shut up. Finally, i pointed out that April was smaller and more delicate than me. That she was more child like. Hearing this pour out of my mouth finally shut me up. i was completely disgusted with myself. He asked me coldly if i was through. And, i whispered that i was. He asked me if i knew i had to pay for that. i said i did. He asked me if i thought i could control my big mouth now. i nodded. Then i began to pay.

Raven screamed at 6:40 PM

 0 comments

Tuesday, June 28, 2005

my Special Client 

Mr. Catlette was about 50, balding, and short. He looked like a cross between Donald Duck and Porky Pig in a three piece suit. He liked tears. He liked screams. But, he didn't want to hear you speak. When i arrived, i was to say "Hello Granddaddy, i've missed you," and when it was time to go, if i was cognizent i was to say "Goodbye Granddaddy, i love you." That was it. Any words besides that resulted in extremely harsh punishment. i remember very little of my sessions with Mr. Catlette. He was extremely skilled at pushing me to that place where i would find an object to look at until i fell through it. And, then, a child part of me would be there. And, he would have his hottest fantasy. A small child to use and torture and pet and kick as he pleased.

Raven screamed at 6:39 PM

 0 comments

Monday, June 27, 2005

Getting Back on the Horse 

So, i've had my mental health break. i'm doing better. Thanks so much to my readers for the kind comments, email, and IMs i have received. You folks rock. Thank you.
So, for now i'm backing away from my Granddaddy for a while. It's harder to tell. So, lets go back to things a bit more recent. Things that haunt me but don't leave me feeling hunted for the most part.

Raven screamed at 6:38 PM

 0 comments

Friday, June 24, 2005

Consequences, Wanted or Not 

So... i missed yesterday's entry. i couldn't write it. i was wrong. Trying to look at these episodes without their consequences was a bad idea. i won't say that's all of what is going on with me... but i definitely think its a big contributor.i've gotten majorly flaky. The boogyman has been to visit me every night this week, as i lay in my lonely bed. Night before last, he got me. And, once again i smelled spilled beer and old cum and tobacco juice. The sounds of my house dropped away, and i heard again the sounds of a time i try to escape but can never forget. Leathery hands were on me again, and when i tried to scream for J, my voice wouldn't come. Its been years since i tried to speak but fear robbed me of voice.
Enough. Next week, i'll go in a different direction. But, for this week. i am done.Whoever said the past cannot hurt you lied. It can. And, it has sharp, pointy teeth.

Raven screamed at 6:38 PM

 2 comments

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Rage Stories - 2 

So... skipping the horrible consequences of that last story. On to another. And, skip its consequences too. Don't worry... we'll come back to it eventually.
One day Jackson and i were on my mother's front porch. It was about 8 or 9 feet off of the ground. This was after things had turned into a nightmare, but before he had in essence sold me to Edward. On this day, he was lecturing me on being unresponsive in bed. i tucked my head down and listened to him go on and on and i got madder by the minute. If i showed any pleasure in the act at all, he got angry and hit me. And, i could tell he was gearing up to beat me for being listless. His voice rose in that dangerous way and he kept shaking me for emphasis. i knew that the punch was going to come any minute. But, it didn't. Not for a long time. He kept droning on and on and on, and i became more and more furious by the second. His whining and moaning was annoying me. Then he said something in the exact words of my Granddaddy. And, like a switch being flipped, i was completely enraged."Fuck you!" i spat at him.He looked at me in shock. i didn't care. i jumped off of the porch swing and was striding towards the door when he caught me. He spun me around towards him and out of long experience i knew his fist was sailing towards me before i even got turned around, and i ducked. His fist shot over my head and i leaned forward and sunk my teeth into his chest. He yelped (he always was a terrible pussy) and pushed me away. But, once again, i was in the grip of a beserk rage. i charged him and punched him everywhere i could land my fist. It was completely ineffectual and only served to frustrate me more. But, he was getting really angry now. He grabbed me and shook me and threw me on the floor of the porch. i, as usual, lay there and played dead. i knew he was too fast for me. But, this time... i wasn't playing dead so he would get tired of beating me faster. i was waiting. And watching. and, this time... when he got close, when he leaned down to punch me in the stomach, i pistoned my strong dancer's legs out and kicked him completely off the porch. There was a second when he looked like he might recover by grabbing a porch support. Then his fingers slid off and with a cry of fright (i felt that surge of joy again) he went over the edge. He hit his head on one of Mama's decorative rocks and lay in a heap groaning. i thought he might have bashed in his head, but i didn't stop to check.i went in the house and slammed the door shut, cutting off the sound of his pained groaning. He laid out there until my mother came home about 3 hours later.

Raven screamed at 6:37 PM

 0 comments

Tuesday, June 21, 2005

Rage Stories - 1 

Four random examples of rage. Starting with...
i was about seven years old the first time i remember loosing it like that. i was upset and pissed off because i had been scheduled to spend the weekend with my parents, but something had suddenly come up and i was now stuck with Granddaddy alone all weekend. Granny was in the hospital. i was hurt and angry.So, then he wanted to play. And, i just was NOT able to cope with it this time. i was standing there, under the willow tree with smoke coming out of my ears, and he was laughing at me. Then he told me to take my clothes off. And, i wouldn't do it.He stalked over to me, and bit me on the shoulder and i just snapped. Screaming and cursing like a banshee i met him on his next charge and punched him as hard as i could in the groin. He made a sound of agonized misery that sent a rush of joy to my heart and i used my tiny malnourished frame to ram into him again. i was so filled with hate and rage that the impossible happened, and i knocked him back a few steps. Then he was teetering on the edge of the bank to the creek and i felt the greatest rush. i set my small feet, let out a shriek that was terrible and gave voice to all of my pain and hurt and miserable sense of betrayal and worthlessness. And, i charged him.And, with a cry of pained surprise, he toppled over the edge of the bank, rolled down the hill, and splashed into the creek. The only thought in my head was that i hoped he broke his neck. Unfortunately, he didn't.

Raven screamed at 6:37 PM

 0 comments

Monday, June 20, 2005

Another View 

So, i've been reading through the archives here, trying to decide where i want to go this week, (i do this every damn Monday, i need a better system) and i realized, there is a whole side of me that isn't represented. i was often a defeated, hopeless girl, beaten down by my circumstances. That side of me is clearly drawn. But, every so often, i would look at the shitty hand i got dealt, and get really pissed off. If someone happened to rub me the wrong way during that time... they would break through the barrier stifling my rage and a bit would boil out. So... this week is just going to be flashes of that anger. We aren't dealing with the consequences yet... i'll probably come back and tell those stories... but for now, lets have a whole week of this other side of me. Watch out, i could be a little bitch. Now i can be a big one.

Raven screamed at 6:32 PM

 0 comments

Sunday, June 19, 2005

About Granny 

When Granny was feeling fairly good (which was rare) i was a very lucky little girl. She spoiled me rotten. We spent many hours on the side of her bed while she brushed my hair and tied red ribbons in it. With Granny, everything was red, it was her favorite color. She made me special food when she was able to cook, and sat with me while i ate it, so i got every bite. She fussed over how pathetically skinny i was and how i was always covered in bruises. Granddaddy always blamed these two conditions on contrariness and clumsiness. These explanations were accepted without question, but when she felt okay, Granny always wished she was well enough to help me over those two conditions.Some of our favorite things to do together were singing and bouncing. We sang together for hours while taking turns gently bouncing the bed so that we rocked softly together. Swing low sweet chariot was our favorite, and looking back now, i think it was because we were both so desperate to escape the pain we were living in.Granny was everything good in my life, most days. And, such was the strength of her personality, that even sick and exhausted and dying, she was a force to be reckoned with. Granny lived until i was 11. i barely got to see her after i was 8, but i will always see her there, on the side of her bed singing.

Raven screamed at 6:31 PM

 0 comments

Friday, June 17, 2005

Lost Virginity 

So, it was on that stained mattress, with the chain in clear view that he took the little girl. And, for the first time he completed the act. She still shrieked but this time was just too defeated to fight. The ripping grew so intense, so horrible that she finally just shut down. The shrieks continued, but she no longer felt herself voicing them. She no longer felt anything. The whole world became where the chicken wire met a wooden beam. She stared at that until she fell through it, and knew no more.

Raven screamed at 6:30 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, June 15, 2005

A Lesson Learned 

When the air cooled still further, she knew it was dark. She tried to sleep but the chain was too short to allow her to lay down, and if she set up, when she fell asleep it choked her. Eventually, she gave in. Two days was the longest so far that she could go. She knew it would kill her. It felt like he was tearing her guts open. But, as well to be torn open as to stay here anymore. Let it end.So when the door finally opened and the trickles of light told her it was early morning, she strained as far towards the door as she could. And, this time, when he said, "Do you want me to fuck you, cunt?" She said yes.

Raven screamed at 6:29 PM

 0 comments

A Small Animal 

The little girl is huddled in the dark. She feels the bugs crawling on her and claws at her skin. She is terrified and disgusted. She strains against the chain at her throat, but makes no progress. Her throat burns with thirst. She cannot reach her water bucket. The heat and thirst are unbearable. She waits. And, waits. And, waits. Unable to bear the burning in her throat any longer she uses her outstretched feet to kick the bucket over, sending her water into the the trench where she used the bathroom many hours ago. She gags with disgust but leans down and laps her water. Feeling the burning in her throat ease a bit, she thinks of outside. Of plenty of room to run away. Of air that doesn't stink and cool water washing the yuck away from her skin. She longs for outside. But, to get outside, the door will have to open. And, with that, comes the pain.

Raven screamed at 6:28 PM

 0 comments

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tour 

This is going to take a different writing style. The whole week may. i don't even know how readable it will be. i just have to get it down. Right now i cannot edit because i delete. But, someday...

Out the backdoor and onto the porch. Its fairly high. About 8 feet. Just a cement stoop really. Down the steps. 12 of them. Now turn around. Walk the length of the porch. Right there. That's the gate to hell.It looks harmless to others i suppose, but i have never been able to see those kinds of cellar doors without breaking out into a sweat. my neighbor has one, and if i happen to see it unexpectedly, my mouth fills up with spit and i feel sick. It looks like a full sized door at an angle to the ground. It's old grey paint is chipped and peeling and it has a metal handle to pull it open. The door is heavy.Inside there are 18 steps leading down. The stench hits you on the 4th or 5th step down. A musty, earthy smell that is not unpleasant, and found in most cellars of this kind, but, also human waste and old blood. Despair and depravity have a scent as well. It is damp, cool (cold in the winter) and dark. At the bottom of the steps there is a switch. Flipping it, a bare bulb snaps on in the middle of the room. Its radiance chases away the cockroaches which scurry across the floor. The walls are only partially there. Wooden beams hold up dirt walls. Chicken wire is used in places. There is a potato bin, that hasn't been used for potatoes in years. It now has chains and rope coiled inside of it. And blood stains.There is a cabinet. Not opening that today. And, in the center of the room there is a stake driven into the ground. Attatched to it is an extremely short length of chain. Nearby there is a bucket of dirty water. And close to that a small trench filled with filth. And in the far corner, an old blood stained mattress stands.

Ugh, that's enough. More details and exploring down there later. For now, lets get the fuck out of here.

Raven screamed at 6:28 PM

 0 comments

Monday, June 13, 2005

Going Back 

So... it took me all day to decide where i wanted to go this week. i have finally decided to deal with a flashback that just doesn't go away. It requires a fair amount of back story. But, for now... just know we are going back. All the way back to when i was a little girl. Probably about 4. i hadn't started kindergarden yet, but was in preschool. So late 3 or early 4.

Raven screamed at 6:27 PM

 0 comments

Sunday, June 12, 2005

Birthdays, my Mother's Specialty 

my mother really excelled at birthdays. Every year no matter what was going on she would make a big fuss over my birthday. It was especially hard because my birthday falls 2 weeks after christmas. But, she always managed it. i always had a party. When i was little and still had lots of friends, my party tended to be a big social event. The year i turned 12, the last year i had a party, it was a dance. Lots of girls got off the bus at my house and Vanessa came over and helped everyone get ready. It was great fun, and for once, i was at the center, and accepted. More than the gifts i received... that was my favorite. my mother and sister gave me the gift of belonging. If only for one night.

Raven screamed at 6:27 PM

 0 comments

Saturday, June 11, 2005

The Necklace 

That turned out to be the hardest date i had experienced so far. i, mercifully, don't remember much of it. i hope i never have to. i do know that when John arrived to retrieve me four hours later, i was covered in various bodily fluids and seemed catatonic. That, he told me himself. i heard lots of other rumors, but i won't recount those here, because i just don't know.It was the next day before i remember anything. i came to myself in my bed. Kayla was sitting on the dresser reading a magazine. She had been left to watch me for any change. When i asked her what was going on, she jumped as if the dead had spoken. She was so relieved to see me not staring into space, she risked the wrath of Edward and gave me a granola bar she had in her bedside table. i tried to argue with her, but my hunger was bigger than my fear, and so i gulped it down. i went to take a shower and rid myself of any evidence, and she went to report my return to sanity.i was lame and sore and my ribs felt as though the bones had been removed and replaced with shards of heated glass. But, i was breathing almost as well as i had before, and there was no blood coming from my mouth. There was blood in other places, but i washed it away and treated the wounds i could reach. Nothing too bad. When i arrived in the basement Benny grabbed me and hugged me much too tight, making me squeak in pain. He let me go, but immediately clutched my upper arm in a very marked way. i let him take this possession of me without complaint. i was exhausted, and i was beginning to realize that the chances of me ever surviving to escape Edward's house were small. If Benny could help, let him.Usually clients who inflicted the kind of damage that laid a girl up in bed for more than an hour or two were dropped from the client list. But, Mr. Catelette was not. The price for my services just went up astronomically. This made me a very valuable girl. Because even though i spent less time in the house, and thus servicing clients, i brought in as much or more money. So, i was much too valuable to loose.Which leads us back to Jackson. And, his complaint to Edward. Edward had refused to have me punished. The girls in the basement were under no duress to do anything whatsoever for the runners. Edward kept his two businesses fairly separate, and in fact the only real crossover was Benny. Edward was unwilling to have me punished as that i had not broken a rule of his house. But, he didn't like for Jackson to be unhappy. So, he came up with an idea.The necklace was a very simple tool designed to destroy not only the idea of resistance, but also any sense of self worth i may have had. It was very effective. When i was a girl, if you could pull the ring top off of a canned drink it was a "free screw." Haha, very funny. Well, at least if you punched the guy in the arm and threw the ring top in the trash. The necklace made the free screws real.If i annoyed Jackson he gave me one of those ring tops. It went into a little box. Jackson could then give the ring tops to any boy in our school and i had to fuck him. Then he'd give me the ring top and i had to wear it on my necklace. It became, to me, a symbol of my hatred for myself. Every kid in school knew what those rings meant. i became even more of a pariah than before. The jingle of that necklace was echoed in the voices of my fellow students. The whispers of whore. Being penned against the table in the locker room and used. The necklace destroyed all peace and happiness in my life away from Edward's.i vividly remember sitting alone in the floor of the gym during lunch (my one friend had a different lunch period, as did Jackson) watching the girls play volleyball. i listened to a girl who had stayed at my house when we were in elementary school cracking jokes about my too short skirt and my whore's necklace. They laughed and pointed and their healthy young bodies sweat as they jumped around in good health. i watched and hated them. i hated them for never having fainted from lack of food. For never having to watch John take his belt off. For never tasting their own blood. i hated them with a dark passion. But, more than that... i desperately wanted to be one of them.The weight of my necklace became unbearable and i had to run to the bathroom. i dry heaved and retched, and cried. i would never be one of them.

Raven screamed at 6:26 PM

 0 comments

Thursday, June 09, 2005

Sympathy From the Devil 

So, i finally finished my homework and April's client had left. i apologized and she forgave me. She was such a sweetie. She asked me for the five millionth time, what i had ever seen in Jackson. i could only shrug. We were playing cards and smoking a joint when John came out of the back basement room. He called me to him, and i went with trepidation. i had no doubt he had heard my disagreement with Jackson."Open your mouth."i eyed him. This could mean anything from a pick me up to something nasty to a breath check. i opened my mouth most unwillingly and closed my eyes. He had been known to stick his finger down my throat and make me puke... but that usually happened in the bathroom. And, besides... i was now waayy underweight according to George. my stubborn tits and ass weren't gone... but i was doing the best i could.These random thoughts ceased when i realized he had slid a nice stamp of acid into my mouth. i felt it melt and opened my eyes and grinned at him. But, to my surprise, the indulgent smile he usually wore when handing out goodies wasn't on his face. He looked, curiously, sad."Oh kid," he said, "oh you have fucked yourself royally this time. Edward will take his side now. You know that don't you?"i may have realized how bad this was if i hadn't been watching the way his normally limp dirty blonde hair had turned into a rainbow. i had never felt the full measure of John's wrath. i was mostly a very obedient girl. i had had minor adjustments over my body's stubborn refusal to look more childlike, and had once fallen asleep at a client's house and woke screaming from a nightmare. But, that was the extent my my transgressions at that point, and i had not yet felt more than the weight of John's hand or his belt. But, i had seen it. Seen the monstrous things done to the girls who hadn't learned their place. Or who temporarily forgot it. And, if this man looked sad... what did that mean? John took me upstairs and enlisted the help of Kayla, whose room i shared, in getting me ready. And, when i was finally decked out in my little Holly Hobby nightie and pink ribbons tied into my pigtails, he pressed a teddy bear into my hands. Although it was part of Mr. Catlette's fetish, i found the teddy bear oddly comforting. i clutched it tightly as he pulled me out the door and led me to the car.When we arrived, he turned to look at me. i was huddled against the door, my legs drawn up beside me. i had my thumb in my mouth, and i was stroking the fur on my teddy with one hand, watching it grow and shrink. When i looked up, i saw him looking at me tight lipped. Then he said something that made me actually wake up to the situation."Maybe i can let you take a few Daddy's Little Helpers home with you sometimes. If you are a real good girl."

Raven screamed at 6:25 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, June 08, 2005

Breaking Point 

So about a week after my 5 week reprieve ended... the breaking point came. i was trying to do my homework and ignore April and her client moaning away on the sofa. i had a hangover, my ribs were killing me, and i knew i had a really shitty job later that day. To say the least, i was not happy. So, when Jackson showed up in the basement and jerked me out of my chair, i just snapped."Oh for fuck's sake, Jackson! Can't you see i'm busy? If i get a bad grade on my report card, you know Mama and Daddy will yank my chain. Then John will have my fucking hide!" i did have enough sense not to yell, but i hissed it at him. He dropped my arm in shock. He looked at me with sparks flying from his eyes."You little fucking cunt. You have forgotten what the fuck you are! For-fucking-gotten! I'm going to talk to Edward you whore!"And, he, OF COURSE, didn't have the sense not to shout. His voice pulled up short April's client. She shot a look of pure hatred in my direction and moved down to begin the tedious job of sucking him hard again. Old men can be such a pain in the ass.i sighed deeply, tried not to cry and settled back to my homework. At the moment, my biggest worry was John. i would have to deal with the rest of it later, but there was no way in hell i wanted to piss off John. Getting grounded for a month over a C on my report card, would definitely piss him off.And, yes, at this point i do see the irony in studying to not piss off my handler. Aint life grand?

Raven screamed at 6:24 PM

 0 comments

Tuesday, June 07, 2005

Reprieve 

Over the next month several things happened. For one thing, i turned thirteen. Edward gave me an absolutely stunning pair of thigh length leather boots. They were to die for. Jackson gave me a locket. John, a sheet of acid. And, Benny gave me the switchblade. i liked all of these gifts a lot, and bestowed kisses and hugs (well... sorta, was still nursing my ribs) on all four men. When Edward gave me his gift, i could see the speculative gleam in his eye, but wasn't expecting it when he decided it was time to try me out, see if i was well enough to work. He fucked me till he was finished, even though i lost control of myself and started screaming halfway through. When he was done, he stood up and sighed. He said at least another two weeks he supposed, and sent me to find John... and the salvation in his pocket.During that month Benny and i also spent a LOT of time together. i couldn't bear the jostling of my post on his lap, but, i could most often be found hugging my pillow by his side. i rode with him to ferry the girls. i sat in the car while he collected money. i sat by his side while he played countless games of spades and poker. i held his drink while he showed the girls to clients. In short, i found my greatest allie and most likely protector and held tight to him. John probably would have made a better protector, since he was ruler supreme in the basement (Edward hardly ever entered the basement) where the girls spent most of their time when they weren't on dates. But, John was no one's allie.This relationship with Benny annoyed Jackson greatly, but he never said anything. He wasn't totally stupid. And, during this relatively peaceful month, i began to let my disgust with Jackson show. Only in very small ways. Refusing to look at him, being slow to obey his commands, and occasionally sighing and rolling my eyes at him. Looking back i can see it was stupid. But, my hatred for Jackson had become bigger than my fear of him.That didn't last long.

Raven screamed at 6:24 PM

 0 comments

Monday, June 06, 2005

A Debt 

So... a few minutes after the slashing, during which i sat horrified on that couch, there was a rap on the door. Edward called for the knocker to enter, and Benny stepped through the door. He looked at Jackson with a complete lack of surprise, and a note of disgusted smugness. It seemed everyone had known this was going to happen, everyone but me.Edward told Benny that he needed to introduce Jackson around to all the runners. Jackson was going to be working off the two months profit my injury would cause him to loose. my reaction to this was mixed. On one hand, two months! It had only been a month. That meant i had another month to recover before servicing any clients. A solid month. i felt like dancing.On the other hand, Jackson, a runner for Edward. Piss. One of the few nice things about Edward's was not having to deal with Jackson. Now he would be around all the time. Working off a debt incurred because of me. Fuck. i knew this was bad news, but even i couldn't guess just how bad it was.

Raven screamed at 6:24 PM

 0 comments

Sunday, June 05, 2005

Sunday Traditions... A Story for my Sunday Tradition 

From the time i was very little my parents always went on picnics in the fall. my mother and sisters cooked a nice meal and we would all pile into Daddy's truck. Most of us on the back, but one kid was always chosen to ride up front with them. Never, me... but Jenny, Iris or Frank (Marcie's son.) i never felt sad about this, because i had a BALL on the back of that truck.Vanessa and i would sing silly songs like Annie Mae and The Hotdog Man. Iris and i would play clubfist or the alphabet game and Jenny or Frank and i would have tickle wars. There were also times when Marcie went along, and she would always have me sit between her legs and play with my hair. i sucked up this positive loving touch greedily. It was heaven.We would drive around the mountains until we found a likely spot. Then everyone would pile out. We would feast on the delicious food, and the grownups would sit around and talk while the kids ran around playing. We could be as loud and rambunctious as we wanted on these outings. Then my Mama would tell a story. She always weaved a magical new story. And we would sit rapt and listen to her while the men cleared up. And, then, finally we would climb back into the truck. Usually by the time we got home all the kids were asleep, except me. They would be carried in and i would go take my bath,reliving the day in my mind.

Raven screamed at 6:23 PM

 0 comments

Friday, June 03, 2005

Jackson's Scar 

A month later, i was well enough to be back at Edwards. my ribs were still agony more often than not, but i was breathing better. The few days in the hospital had been pure hell, but that was behind me. And, on this day... i was actually eager to get to Edward's. i badly wanted to see John. Well, at least his pocket. Upon arriving i slipped through the door to the basement and went down into the domain of Edward's girls and their keepers. Jackson stayed upstairs, in the kitchen. He had to speak with Edward.i was received below with kisses and gentle hugs by all the girls in attendance. Benny was out. i eyed John warily. i knew i had caused him a headache, and i was frightened he would be angry with me. But, i needed him. He called the pills in his pocket "Daddy's little helpers", and at the moment, i badly needed some help. When i approached him, as he sat cleaning his nails with his pocket knife, he looked at me strangely. i was relieved to see there was no gleam in his eyes, but puzzled by the expression i saw there.He reached out and took my wrist, pulling me to him slowly. Obviously being extra careful not to hurt me. He settled me between his thighs and reached up to tilt my head down. And, to my shock, kissed me gently above my right eye."I'm sorry, kid. I shouldn't have let it happen. That little bastard. I thought he understood how things worked. And, I'm sorry I had to hit you. Don't you be scared of me. John's not going to hurt you unless you earned it. That won't happen again. I promise you."my mouth hung open. i had expected a scolding. i certainly hadn't expected an apology. After that speech, i felt a lot easier about asking for a pick me up. He passed me a couple of blue oblongs and his beer. i settled back and concentrated on not leaning forward far enough to compress my ribs. And, soon enough, i was flying.Some time later, Benny came down the steps. i could tell by looking at him he was pissed off about something. i sincerely hoped it wasn't me, but the combination of my high and my comfort level with him, i wasn't really afraid. His expression softened when he looked at me and i felt my own features transform into a lighted smile. i was beginning to care for Benny a great deal. He kissed my neck and pulled up a chair close to mine. We were still talking when Candy came to tell us we were wanted upstairs. Benny looked around at the girls. He sighed."Go tell Ricky to come down here with ya'll, that I have to go upstairs." He turned to me. "Go ahead, tell them I just had to get someone to stay here while I was gone."i nodded and went upstairs, dreading this meeting with Edward. i just didn't think i could do it yet. The thought of being jarred over and over again made me feel like crying. i climbed the steps with a heavy heart.When i got to the kitchen, there was no one there. Which was unusual, but not unheard of. i heard sobbing, which was normal, but strangely, it sounded like a man. i walked to Edward's door with a feeling of dread.At my knock, the door opened, and i entered slowly. Jackson was on the floor, crying. He was bleeding from the mouth and nose and cradling what had once been a perfectly normal looking foot in his arms and rocking. It was now decidedly mangled. i looked away. i tried to shove down the glee that erupted in my heart.Edward motioned me towards him, and i made my way over to the sofa carefully, making a wide arc around Jackson.Edward told me that John had instructed Jackson on the things worked in this household. He assured me that i would not be harmed in his house again, unless i had disobeyed. He stroked my hair softly and i tensed. Terrified that he was going to use me. He read this gesture, as usual."No. Not yet. I know you can't yet. I don't want you to forget who and what you are, so take off your clothes. But, no one will fuck you for a while."i was humiliated as i took off my clothes. But quite thankful that i wouldn't have to feel my ribs jarred repeatedly. i stood there nude, looking at the floor. Just waiting to be told what was wanted. i had a sinking suspicion that perhaps something similar to Jackson's fate was about to befall me. John stepped from around the sofa then.Edward told me that John was special to him. (i was stunned at this change of topic.) And, that when he was unhappy, it made him unhappy. And, that he would go to great lengths to make John happy. He said that John wanted me to watch something, and that i would do that. He told me to make myself as comfortable as possible, and but to keep my mouth shut. He didn't want to hear a peep out of me. Then he motioned to John and sat back, obviously through. John was now running the show."I have a job to do. My job is to run these girls. I protect them, I keep them going, and I correct them. They belong to Edward, but they are in my care. And, you, you little fuck, caused me to have to hurt this one when she hadn't done a damn thing! Now all of those girls might think less of me. This girl was hurt on my watch, put in the fucking hospital. And, I hit her for nothing. And, that's your fault. You have caused them to distrust me. And, now I have to earn that back. They have to see what happens to people who fuck with me."This was an extremely long speech for John. He usually didn't talk much, but rather listened. i was still absorbing his words when he stepped forward suddenly and cut Jackson's forehead deep with his pocket knife. Over his right eye.

i saw Jackson last year. And, he still had that scar.i wanted to cover the necklace this week. But, all this backstory was needed. So i guess we'll get there next week.

Raven screamed at 6:23 PM

 0 comments

Thursday, June 02, 2005

Accidents Will Happen 

So... to condense. The ribs were, indeed, broken. George couldn't determine if my lung was only scratched or punctured. It was dangerous, he said. Get her out of here, he said.By then i was in and out. All i could think of was the pain. When it wasn't the pain, it was how there was no air in the air. Finally i realized John was snapping his fingers in front of my face."Ahh. There you are. Okay kid, listen. I'm going to take you to the hospital. I found you wondering on the side of the road. I thought you may have been in a car accident. I will leave you there."i think he went on talking. i couldn't concentrate any longer. Then he was lightly smacking my face."Come on, kid. Come on. You have to hold on. I cannot take you to the hospital if you don't know what to do. Come on!"The unaccustomed sound of desperation and fear in his voice grabbed my attention for a moment."If they put you in the hospital, give them your real name. ONLY if they put you in the hospital. Pretend confusion until you are actually in a hospital room. Got it?"He emphasized this question with a little shake. If i had had breath i would have screamed. Instead i nodded frantically. No names, not a fucking name... my name is Pussywillow, just for fuck's sake, don't do that again! This thought must have been clearly readable, because he nodded and continued."If you aren't put in the hospital... sneak out. Go to the parking garage and call me. I will come get you."His fingers tightened on my shoulder and i nodded again."Well, alright then. I don't think this is the best fucking plan... but your goddamn shirt is covered in blood, I don't have time to think of another.""Remember, you are confused. You don't remember. You don't know. You hit your head."With that he hit me hard above my right eye. And, i knew no more for a while.

Raven screamed at 6:22 PM

 0 comments

Wednesday, June 01, 2005

A Scary Trip 

So, Edward arrived and things began to happen like magic. He had Jackson sent to the kitchen and dispatched Lindy to patch him up a bit. i was in John's arms before i knew it. Hard to believe the man who could be so relentless with administering justice could cradle me so tenderly. Blood was on my lips, and Benny was wringing his hands.Edward was calm cool and collected."Take her to George. I'll ring him. If you have to go farther than that, car accident. Her face will need a mark. Don't panic, be sure to take your ring off first. Call me when you get there."As i struggled for breath in the car, more blood began to come out of my mouth. i was terrified. i would have blubbered if i had had the breath. Instead i clutched Benny and felt tears stream down my cheeks. He looked upset. And, he couldn't shut up. i wanted him to, the things he was saying were horribly upsetting, but i couldn't make him be silent."Give her something John. She's dying. Just like Loni. That fucking little prick. I can't do that again man. She's a sweet kid. Fuck. Give her something. Goddamn it GIVE HER SOMETHING!"John patiently explained that he couldn't give me anything in case i had to go to a hospital. Finally he yelled at Benny to shut the fuck up. Benny didn't, but John quit listening.After a decade at least, we were there. John pulled into a garage and Benny jumped out and jerked the garage door down. Then they were pulling me out of the car and i was being carried.The doctor was in.

Raven screamed at 6:21 PM

 0 comments